Today I got the best email I have had in quite some time. Our ICPC (the piece we have been waiting for the last 3 months - to the day) was approved today! Tomorrow we will hopefully receive a date and a timeline to pick up our kids! A little part of me is thinking things like this:
Oh my gosh! I still haven't ordered our daughter's bed! Should I wait until that is on the way? I already set that date with my husband to go see Cirque du Soleil - can I really hire a babysitter right after they get here? Do I really want to miss my students' Christmas party? What about that project I have due before break? Can a sub take care of that, or should I stay until that is done?How long do the kids need to process that they are moving before we can get there? A few weeks?
Then another part of me is thinking things like:
I can be available to go get them next week! I will cancel all plans I have and empty my bank account to get there in record time (Does anyone have a jetplane I can borrow for the weekend?). Can they show the kids our welcome book tomorrow? Is that just rushing it? Are people going to work over the holidays so we can get our family? How horrible will it be to have to wait until after Christmas?
I am sure there is a happy medium somewhere. I guess that is why we have a worker and the kids have a worker. Those people will guide us so that the best for all involved.
Another hoop successfully jumped! Waiting for the next one!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Visit
We spent an hour today visiting with our little buddy at McDonald's. It was pretty difficult. When I saw him, I just wanted to hug him and hold him and be his mommy again. Instead, I asked questions and played the role of a teacher/mentor. His speech is regressing, and I imagine his reading is as well. It's hard. We watched him frolicking (for real) in the play place, and try to be brave enough to go the very top. I was very proud of him. I asked him when he got his hair cut, and he replied with, "Um....a few days back." That made me smile. What a funny little boy. What five year old talks like that? He asked about his kindergarten teacher, and whether or not we could go visit some of our friends and family. We had to explain that we probably wouldn't be doing that when we visited with him because the visits won't be very long. Heartbreaking. Anyway, it was definitely a time of mixed emotions.
So we came home and my hubby put up a photo wall. I have been asking him to put up the photos for about three weeks, but I guess a five day weekend and the emotions of the afternoon helped out. Now I can see my kids from any of the living spaces in our home.We also set up all of our Christmas decorations. Stockings for the kids are in the mail from a good friend (super excited to see them!), but everything else is set up and ready to go. Now we wait again. What a special holiday season this will be!
So we came home and my hubby put up a photo wall. I have been asking him to put up the photos for about three weeks, but I guess a five day weekend and the emotions of the afternoon helped out. Now I can see my kids from any of the living spaces in our home.We also set up all of our Christmas decorations. Stockings for the kids are in the mail from a good friend (super excited to see them!), but everything else is set up and ready to go. Now we wait again. What a special holiday season this will be!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving
Flashback to Thanksgiving 2010...
We had recently lost our first pregnancy, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, so I flew home for her surgery, and my husband's grandpa died while we were visiting. It was pretty hard to find something to be thankful for. I was pretty angry, depressed, and hopeless. A friend came over during Thanksgiving break to tell me that my time for grief was up. I was supposed to be moving forward. How could I move forward when every time I was almost at a good place again, someone else died? She brought her Bible, and read verses that condemned my attitude and grief. And that was the end of our friendship. Honestly. Although we still saw each other, it was just the beginning of the end. I spent Thanksgiving quietly at home with my husband and a friend, and I truly felt I had nothing to be thankful for. Little did I know that in the next three months we would lose another baby and my stepfather.
Thanksgiving 2011
We had just moved to a new state, started new jobs, and had become foster parents a few days earlier. We were thankful for the opportunity to parent. We set up Christmas decorations with a 4 year old (what a crazy adventure!). We drank hot cocoa, hoped for snow, and spent a lot of hours sleeping on his floor so he wouldn't be scared at night. I definitely felt like things were looking up, and I felt thankful for the changes that had moved us out of our comfort zones on every level.
Thanksgiving 2012
I can barely begin to think about everything I am thankful for without tearing up. This last year has not been a picnic, but I feel so blessed to have found my forever family! I just knew it from the moment I saw them online! They will be our children forever. What more can I say? It is the biggest blessing I have ever received. Thanks are definitely in order.
We had recently lost our first pregnancy, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, so I flew home for her surgery, and my husband's grandpa died while we were visiting. It was pretty hard to find something to be thankful for. I was pretty angry, depressed, and hopeless. A friend came over during Thanksgiving break to tell me that my time for grief was up. I was supposed to be moving forward. How could I move forward when every time I was almost at a good place again, someone else died? She brought her Bible, and read verses that condemned my attitude and grief. And that was the end of our friendship. Honestly. Although we still saw each other, it was just the beginning of the end. I spent Thanksgiving quietly at home with my husband and a friend, and I truly felt I had nothing to be thankful for. Little did I know that in the next three months we would lose another baby and my stepfather.
Thanksgiving 2011
We had just moved to a new state, started new jobs, and had become foster parents a few days earlier. We were thankful for the opportunity to parent. We set up Christmas decorations with a 4 year old (what a crazy adventure!). We drank hot cocoa, hoped for snow, and spent a lot of hours sleeping on his floor so he wouldn't be scared at night. I definitely felt like things were looking up, and I felt thankful for the changes that had moved us out of our comfort zones on every level.
Thanksgiving 2012
I can barely begin to think about everything I am thankful for without tearing up. This last year has not been a picnic, but I feel so blessed to have found my forever family! I just knew it from the moment I saw them online! They will be our children forever. What more can I say? It is the biggest blessing I have ever received. Thanks are definitely in order.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Showers and Crafts
We were blessed this week our church and my workplace both hosted showers for us. It feels like everything is more real. I have clothes, shoes, toys, bedding, and so on. This weekend my friend made the 7 hour trip to come visit, and we even did some crafting! For those people who know me, I am great at organizing, sorting, and cleaning, but I abhor crafts! However, when I am about to get my forever family, crafting is necessary. Not only does it help prepare my home, it makes me feel like I am doing something productive during this waiting game.
What did we make? We made some initials as art for the bathroom, hair bows for my daughter (love that word), and we turned an oatmeal can into a headband and hair bow holder. It was not a relaxing weekend, but it was productive and helped me feel like we are getting closer to being a family.
One tiny worry...
What if they don't show up and we have to somehow give back all of the gifts?!?!?
Now that I have voiced that fear, I will do as one of my administrators says and "put in a bubble and blow it away." I have known in my heart since May 22 that these are my kids. The rest of the world has known since the end of August. Now I just have to have faith that they will get here when they should.
Here are some photos of the aforementioned crafts. Seriously, I can't believe I spent an afternoon on these things!
What did we make? We made some initials as art for the bathroom, hair bows for my daughter (love that word), and we turned an oatmeal can into a headband and hair bow holder. It was not a relaxing weekend, but it was productive and helped me feel like we are getting closer to being a family.
One tiny worry...
What if they don't show up and we have to somehow give back all of the gifts?!?!?
Now that I have voiced that fear, I will do as one of my administrators says and "put in a bubble and blow it away." I have known in my heart since May 22 that these are my kids. The rest of the world has known since the end of August. Now I just have to have faith that they will get here when they should.
Here are some photos of the aforementioned crafts. Seriously, I can't believe I spent an afternoon on these things!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Going Home...Coming Home
The first child my husband and I ever parented has gone home to his biological family. The two weeks leading up to yesterday were quite horrible. Stress, tears, and tantrums while still trying to make some great memories. When we first talked about this day as kind of a vague idea, we told our worker that she should just come pick him up one day and not tell us when it would be - that way we wouldn't have to dread a day for weeks before it came. Obviously that is not how it worked. We did make a few more wonderful memories, and we have a plan to see him again in a couple of weeks. It will be hard, but we want him to know that he will always be in our hearts.
Now we turn our full attention to welcoming our children home. I have organized their clothes and toys, and started some full-fledged "nesting." Next weekend I am making some crafts for in their bedrooms as well as the bathroom. I am also going to make them each a fleece tie blanket. Gives me something to do while I wait.
Today is a relatively good day. Busy and full of looking ahead. I am sure there are quite a few more down days as I mourn this vast loss and pine for new beginnings.
Now we turn our full attention to welcoming our children home. I have organized their clothes and toys, and started some full-fledged "nesting." Next weekend I am making some crafts for in their bedrooms as well as the bathroom. I am also going to make them each a fleece tie blanket. Gives me something to do while I wait.
Today is a relatively good day. Busy and full of looking ahead. I am sure there are quite a few more down days as I mourn this vast loss and pine for new beginnings.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Postponed
It looks like my little kiddos will be postponed. Originally we thought Thanksgiving was a realistic timeline. This week it was suggested that the end of December is more realistic. Maybe even two or three more months. It was a bit hard to deal with that information. What difference does one month make, right? Well, when you have been waiting two and half years, it is quite frustrating. Of course, having an extra month means one more month of planning, cleaning, and mommy-daddy time before chaos begins. It also means being able to hang out with friends and having an extra month to save up money for things we want to have for them (bunk beds and a kitchen island are at the top of the list).
Today I hung up all my girl's clothes according to size. Since I don't really know what size my daughter wears, at least she can start with her size, and I can give away the items that are too small. Next weekend I hope to organize the boys' room. I probably won't hang up all the clothes, but I might fold them neatly into piles and move a second bed into that room. In two weeks, my friend will be visiting. She is a crafty person, so I have enlisted her help on some other projects: bathroom and bedroom name art as well as a headband holder (thank you, Pinterest). So I guess I am rolling with the punches as postponement becomes an expected part of our lives. I will be so glad when this is all over.
Today I hung up all my girl's clothes according to size. Since I don't really know what size my daughter wears, at least she can start with her size, and I can give away the items that are too small. Next weekend I hope to organize the boys' room. I probably won't hang up all the clothes, but I might fold them neatly into piles and move a second bed into that room. In two weeks, my friend will be visiting. She is a crafty person, so I have enlisted her help on some other projects: bathroom and bedroom name art as well as a headband holder (thank you, Pinterest). So I guess I am rolling with the punches as postponement becomes an expected part of our lives. I will be so glad when this is all over.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Faith
I admit that I have a high-strung personality, and I constantly operate with a state of stress running my life. I have always been like this, and it is my "normal." I am not sure I would ever get anything accomplished if I didn't feel like this! It is the same type of stress that some people cite as reasoning for saving things until the eleventh hour. It motivates me and keeps me on track.
My current level of stress is something I cannot get used to. Waiting for the next task to complete in a series of tasks I have done over and over again, not knowing when my children will officially become mine, waiting to hear when I can meet them and bring them home. Add this on top of just the every day things (housework, parenting, groceries, school work), and I am tipping the scales of what I can handle. How am I supposed to get up each day and do what needs to be done while all I really can think about is my family? I feel like the right answer is to just have faith that things will work out for the best.
If I am honest with myself, the last two and a half years have been the biggest struggle I have ever had in my faith. I know the scriptures and cliches about waiting for God's perfect timing. They were quoted to me regularly over the last few years. I am supposed to be faithful and wait for everything to work out in a way that should overshadow all the pain and loss of the last chapter of my life. Once I have my family, I am suddenly supposed to feel thankful and joyous and understand why God chose to make my parenting journey such an intense struggle. I just don't believe this. God is good, and He is heartbroken as well. He is hurting because of our intense pain. He didn't decide my husband and I needed to learn a lesson or that we weren't good enough to be parents. Our babies died. God could have saved them, but that isn't what happened. He didn't make us lose our babies. I think the book Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt explained this best for me. After my first miscarriage, I was really struggling with people telling me that is just wasn't meant to be, and the timing must just not have been right. It made me feel like I was truly to blame for my miscarriage and that God didn't think we were ready. What a horrible way to make a person feel! I felt pressured to turn my frown upside down and pretend I was thankful that God was teaching me a lesson and causing my struggles. Some things just happen. God doesn't make them happen, but He allows them to happen. What we do with those struggles is what shapes us as a person.
So here I am, still waiting on my family. Worried that this will all fall through, for one reason or another, and that I will be back in a state of grief and loss, and stressed out to the max. I am trying to turn my fears over to God, but it is a risk. If I turn them over to Him and something bad happens, how will I process that? Will I feel like God is punishing me? Maybe it would just be better to avoid talking to God about it because then I don't have to worry about feeling abandoned. Am I supposed to act like I have no worries about everything going on, and that, no matter what happens, I will be full of thanks? The only thing I can do or control in this situation is to be honest with God and ask for His peace.
My current level of stress is something I cannot get used to. Waiting for the next task to complete in a series of tasks I have done over and over again, not knowing when my children will officially become mine, waiting to hear when I can meet them and bring them home. Add this on top of just the every day things (housework, parenting, groceries, school work), and I am tipping the scales of what I can handle. How am I supposed to get up each day and do what needs to be done while all I really can think about is my family? I feel like the right answer is to just have faith that things will work out for the best.
If I am honest with myself, the last two and a half years have been the biggest struggle I have ever had in my faith. I know the scriptures and cliches about waiting for God's perfect timing. They were quoted to me regularly over the last few years. I am supposed to be faithful and wait for everything to work out in a way that should overshadow all the pain and loss of the last chapter of my life. Once I have my family, I am suddenly supposed to feel thankful and joyous and understand why God chose to make my parenting journey such an intense struggle. I just don't believe this. God is good, and He is heartbroken as well. He is hurting because of our intense pain. He didn't decide my husband and I needed to learn a lesson or that we weren't good enough to be parents. Our babies died. God could have saved them, but that isn't what happened. He didn't make us lose our babies. I think the book Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt explained this best for me. After my first miscarriage, I was really struggling with people telling me that is just wasn't meant to be, and the timing must just not have been right. It made me feel like I was truly to blame for my miscarriage and that God didn't think we were ready. What a horrible way to make a person feel! I felt pressured to turn my frown upside down and pretend I was thankful that God was teaching me a lesson and causing my struggles. Some things just happen. God doesn't make them happen, but He allows them to happen. What we do with those struggles is what shapes us as a person.
So here I am, still waiting on my family. Worried that this will all fall through, for one reason or another, and that I will be back in a state of grief and loss, and stressed out to the max. I am trying to turn my fears over to God, but it is a risk. If I turn them over to Him and something bad happens, how will I process that? Will I feel like God is punishing me? Maybe it would just be better to avoid talking to God about it because then I don't have to worry about feeling abandoned. Am I supposed to act like I have no worries about everything going on, and that, no matter what happens, I will be full of thanks? The only thing I can do or control in this situation is to be honest with God and ask for His peace.
Father God,
I don't know why things happen as they do. I am still hurting every day over many losses: my two babies, motherhood through pregnancy, passing on my genetics to my children (for better of worse), my innocence and joy related to pregnancy, the children I have fostered, and so much more. I refuse to believe that You would cause these struggles. I choose to believe You, as my loving Father, are hurting through all these things too. Even when I am silent for awhile, fearful of the future and putting my faith in You, You still love me and know everything I am feeling. You never leave my side. God, I need to release my stress to You and breath in Your love and peace. I ask that You intervene in our adoption process and help us jump through all the hoops we have in front of us. Renew my faith, and help me to be a witness to Your love and compassion despite my struggles.
Amen
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