The Ranch

Big D has his first job, at the ripe old age of 7, as a ranch hand. Let me explain. For the past two years, he has had a mentor, like a big brother. This mentor comes at least once a month, sometimes more depending upon his work schedule. Big Brother, as I will call him, is patient, attentive, and really helps to provide extra support our son. For the first year and a half, D spent his two or three hours at each visit showing his mentor every game, toy, and idea he has ever had! About two months ago, I was nearly knocked right over when D invited his little brother to go to the park with them! His growth and maturation were just shining through in that one simple invitation. As is usually the case, life changes. Big Brother told us he is going to move over the summer. This was quite a blow for D. We didm't really see it coming. We have a few months to prepare for the loss of Big Brother. Here we are right back in the middle of the grief cycle again. D isn't the only one morning the change. I have been fretting about what this will do to him to lose such a solid support figure in his life. I mentioned it to an out of state friend, but I have kept it pretty quiet.

Then my phone rang. It was a family friend we met through our neighbor. She was talking in circles, and I could tell she was leading up to something uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and waited to hear another piece of unsolicited parenting advice or sales pitch. Instead, I heard an answer to prayer. She and her husband have grown children, but she has always wanted more. As a compromise of sorts, they had called to offer D a job on their ranch. He would be responsible to gather eggs, feed the chickens and goats, learn how to feed the cows, and take care of their horse. In reality, he would be working on the ranch and growing another root to help stabilize him as he grows. Just as Big Brother leaving left the potential for one area of D's life to become stagnant, another part popped up ready to grow. What a blessing! They have a special spot for his work clothes. The cupboard is stocked with treats that are perfect for a 7 year old, and they are ready to love on him!

We went out there once as a family to check out the job. He was so excited that someone needed him!  He gladly accepted the position...and then asked what they were going to pay him! "Well, since this is a job, you are going to pay me, right?" He loves his job, and is thrilled with the $0.50 he earned last time. It truly takes a whole village to raise a child.

I will always be your mother

Yesterday I posted about our exciting adoption finalization. I wanted to highlight all of the excitement and memories we will have forever! I forgot to mention the low point of the day. We invited the foster family that the kiddos had lived with for two years, and the kids loved seeing their foster mother and her kids. It was a great time of hugs and playing, but it was tarnished by the mom's behavior. Upon seeing her, the kids shouted her name and ran to greet her (except my daughter who was NOT interested in reconnecting). When she pulled them in for a hug, she very sternly said, "You do not call me by my name. You can me mom. I will always be your mother, and you will ALWAYS call me mom." Huh?!?!?!

First of all, I am a foster mother. I have foster three kiddos, who I have seen after they have moved on (either back with parents or with another relative). I never told a child to call me mom, and I definitely tried to keep the confusion to a minimum by helping them understand that I would always love them and be their foster mom, but that I didn't expect or want them to continue calling me mom when they left. In the photo album, we labeled everything with our names. One mother asked if the kids could call us "Aunt and Uncle." We told her they could call us whatever she thought was best. Yes, it was hard, especially with the kiddo we had for a year, but that is how fostering goes.

What bothers me the most, though, was how confusing that was for our kids! They have already lost their biological parents, gone through several sets of foster parents, and transitioned to our home. I am sure they were confused and emotional anyhow because of the finalization and seeing their foster family again. Why would she EVER say that they have to call her mom, especially ten minutes before their finalization?

Now, I tend to be a bit sensitive, especially if it comes to my children, but I feel like this was way across the line. I actually feel like talking to the worker and explaining why the kids may have limited contact with her for a bit. Lots to think about. I know it is food for the kiddos to have connections, but not if those connections are adding confusion and pain, right?

Birth mom and best mom

Wow! I missed the two month date, just like I missed the one month. I guess that means we are keeping busy. I survived ONE WHOLE week of work! This was my first week of work since the middle of December, so it was a bit tough to be away from the kids that long. Overall, the kids did much better than I thought they would. I expected lots of eczema flare ups, tears, and time-outs, but they didn't do too badly!

Recently my oldest child found out a teacher at his school is pregnant. He came home talking about babies in tummies and them sitting "criss-cross applesauce." I was not sure where it would all go. In fact, I was terrified. Especially when he began like this:

"Mommy, I wish that..."

I knew what was coming. He was going to say that he wished he was still with the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was going to be sad and feeling this horrible loss. I was going to try to be brave, not cry, and say something profound and understanding. 

"...I wish that I had been in your tummy."

Whoa. I was shocked. I did cry, but not for the reasons I thought I would, and I did say something intelligent like:

"You know what, I wish that too, but that isn't how it is. I'm sorry you are sad about that, but I think it is pretty great that I got to pick YOU to be my kid! Not every mom gets to do that!" 

Then we went home and read Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell.

After thinking about that for the last few days, I know that he and I both feel the same loss. We missed the first five and a half years together. We can't ever get that back, but we can have rest of the years to spend loving each other. I know there will be a day when he does wish that he was with his birth mom, but I am glad that, for now, he is so thankful for us. I will pray for wisdom when those tougher days come, I will be able to respond appropriately. I pray that I will empathize and validate his feelings while somehow showing him his security and love.

For now, I will settle for the fact that he likes to tell me that I am his "best" mommy. Not his birth mom, foster mom, real mom, or adoptive mom. I am his best mom. That's better than any other title.

Going Home...Coming Home

The first child my husband and I ever parented has gone home to his biological family. The two weeks leading up to yesterday were quite horrible. Stress, tears, and tantrums while still trying to make some great memories. When we first talked about this day as kind of a vague idea, we told our worker that she should just come pick him up one day and not tell us when it would be - that way we wouldn't have to dread a day for weeks before it came. Obviously that is not how it worked. We did make a few more wonderful memories, and we have a plan to see him again in a couple of weeks. It will be hard, but we want him to know that he will always be in our hearts.

Now we turn our full attention to welcoming our children home. I have organized their clothes and toys, and started some full-fledged "nesting." Next weekend I am making some crafts for in their bedrooms as well as the bathroom. I am also going to make them each a fleece tie blanket. Gives me something to do while I wait.

Today is a relatively good day. Busy and full of looking ahead. I am sure there are quite a few more down days as I mourn this vast loss and pine for new beginnings.

Faith

I admit that I have a high-strung personality, and I constantly operate with a state of stress running my life. I have always been like this, and it is my "normal." I am not sure I would ever get anything accomplished if I didn't  feel like this! It is the same type of stress that some people cite as reasoning for saving things until the eleventh hour. It motivates me and keeps me on track.

My current level of stress is something I cannot get used to. Waiting for the next task to complete in a series of tasks I have done over and over again, not knowing when my children will officially become mine, waiting to hear when I can meet them and bring them home. Add this on top of just the every day things (housework, parenting, groceries, school work), and I am tipping the scales of what I can handle. How am I supposed to get up each day and do what needs to be done while all I really can think about is my family? I feel like the right answer is to just have faith that things will work out for the best.

If I am honest with myself, the last two and a half years have been the biggest struggle I have ever had in my faith. I know the scriptures and cliches about waiting for God's perfect timing. They were quoted to me regularly over the last few years. I am supposed to be faithful and wait for everything to work out in a way that should overshadow all the pain and loss of the last chapter of my life. Once I have my family, I am suddenly supposed to feel thankful and joyous and understand why God chose to make my parenting journey such an intense struggle. I just don't believe this. God is good, and He is heartbroken as well. He is hurting because of our intense pain. He didn't decide my husband and I needed to learn a lesson or that we weren't good enough to be parents. Our babies died. God could have saved them, but that isn't what happened. He didn't make us lose our babies. I think the book Empty Arms  by Pam Vredevelt explained this best for me. After my first miscarriage, I was really struggling with people telling me that is just wasn't meant to be, and the timing must just not have been right. It made me feel like I was truly to blame for my miscarriage and that God didn't think we were ready. What a horrible way to make a person feel! I felt pressured to turn my frown upside down and pretend I was thankful that God was teaching me a lesson and causing my struggles. Some things just happen. God doesn't make them happen, but He allows them to happen. What we do with those struggles is what shapes us as a person.

So here I am, still waiting on my family. Worried that this will all fall through, for one reason or another, and that I will be back in a state of grief and loss, and stressed out to the max. I am trying to turn my fears over to God, but it is a risk. If I turn them over to Him and something bad happens, how will I process that? Will I feel like God is punishing me? Maybe it would just be better to avoid talking to God about it because then I don't have to worry about feeling abandoned. Am I supposed to act like I have no worries about everything going on, and that, no matter what happens, I will be full of thanks? The only thing I can do or control in this situation is to be honest with God and ask for His peace.

Father God, 

I don't know why things happen as they do. I am still hurting every day over many losses: my two babies, motherhood through pregnancy, passing on my genetics to my children (for better of worse), my innocence and joy related to pregnancy, the children I have fostered, and so much more. I refuse to believe that You would cause these struggles. I choose to believe You, as my loving Father, are hurting through all these things too. Even when I am silent for awhile, fearful of the future and putting my faith in You, You still love me and know everything I am feeling. You never leave my side. God, I need to release my stress to You and breath in Your love and peace. I ask that You intervene in our adoption process and help us jump through all the hoops we have in front of us. Renew my faith, and help me to be a witness to Your love and compassion despite my struggles.

Amen

October

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It is a time to remember babies we have lost or never got to meet. I did not know about this until this year. Sometimes I wonder why I never knew about it before, and if I still wouldn't know about if I hadn't lost two babies. Some people post on Facebook, some hold remembrance celebrations, and some people do nothing at all. We fall into that last group. I am thinking back to when we were invited to a ceremony for our first baby. I had already planned a trip with my friend, so I couldn't go. I don't think we would have gone anyway because the pain was too raw. Let's face it, sometimes the pain is still too raw, and it's been 2 1/2 years. But maybe I am ready to deal with the pain rather than run away from it. Or maybe thinking about the pregnancy loss is easier than thinking about having my foster child leave in a few weeks. Whatever the case, I hope that we find a way that less people can be affected by pregnancy and infant loss in the future. It is a loss beyond losing the life of a child. It is losing your dreams as well. Dreams of a family, dreams of happy pregnancies in the future, dreams of showers and nurseries and Christmas cards. It is good to have a time to remember and reflect so that we can move forward and hope. 

Decisions

After my last post, my little buddy prayed this: "Dear God, if I can only have one thing, please let me live with my grandma." I guess we are not the only ones with broken hearts in this home. The next day, we were told that he could do just that, so I guess God has answered all of our prayers and helped us to make our decision. It is impossibly difficult to think about losing the first child to call us Mom and Dad, and I know that we will always have a hole in our lives that would be perfectly filled by him, but we have faith that this is what is best for us all. Lots of tears to come, though. I don't regret becoming a foster parent and having to deal with struggles and pain, however, because that 10 months we have had to love on him have outweighed everything else.

We can now look forward to our forever family joining us soon. We don't have timelines for anything, but we are very hopeful for Thanksgiving. What a blessing that would be! I know I haven't met them yet, but I already love everything about them, even their struggles.