3 days!

We meet our kids in THREE days! We are as ready as we could possibly be to welcome home three kids we have never met. We have everything assembled, cleaned, and organized. We have visited schools, made appointments, and planned for our absences from work.

As I was cleaning some things, I found my journal entries from my first pregnancy. I was shocked at how "quickly" I have forgotten the terrible pain of our loss. We were so excited, and a bit worried, until our 8 week appointment. Then we felt reassured that everything was perfect. We were back to pure joy and imagining the future. I don't have any entries that are not happy (what happened to the ones after we found out that the baby had died??). It just is like a frozen frame of two people, in love, waiting for the birth of their first child. I cried when I read it. It just seems so unfair that a special time like that was taken from us. I really had forgotten how life felt before all the bad news started. I haven't really thought about the trauma of it all in quite some time. I thought about sharing the pages with my husband, but I figured they would have no positive effect on his day, so I will file them away in a different hidden corner. It's okay that I forget those feelings and focus on the feelings of now.

THREE DAYS UNTIL FOREVER FAMILY! We are super excited! We are praying for a smooth transition and lots of happy memories :)

Visit

We spent an hour today visiting with our little buddy at McDonald's. It was pretty difficult. When I saw him, I just wanted to hug him and hold him and be his mommy again. Instead, I asked questions and played the role of a teacher/mentor. His speech is regressing, and I imagine his reading is as well. It's hard. We watched him frolicking (for real) in the play place, and try to be brave enough to go the very top. I was very proud of him. I asked him when he got his hair cut, and he replied with, "Um....a few days back." That made me smile. What a funny little boy. What five year old talks like that? He asked about his kindergarten teacher, and whether or not we could go visit some of our friends and family. We had to explain that we probably wouldn't be doing that when we visited with him because the visits won't be very long. Heartbreaking. Anyway, it was definitely a time of mixed emotions.

So we came home and my hubby put up a photo wall. I have been asking him to put up the photos for about three weeks, but I guess a five day weekend and the emotions of the afternoon helped out. Now I can see my kids from any of the living spaces in our home.We also set up all of our Christmas decorations. Stockings for the kids are in the mail from a good friend (super excited to see them!), but everything else is set up and ready to go. Now we wait again. What a special holiday season this will be!

Showers and Crafts

We were blessed this week our church and my workplace both hosted showers for us. It feels like everything is more real. I have clothes, shoes, toys, bedding, and so on. This weekend my friend made the 7 hour trip to come visit, and we even did some crafting! For those people who know me, I am great at organizing, sorting, and cleaning, but I abhor crafts! However, when I am about to get my forever family, crafting is necessary. Not only does it help prepare my home, it makes me feel like I am doing something productive during this waiting game.

What did we make? We made some initials as art for the bathroom, hair bows for my daughter (love that word), and we turned an oatmeal can into a headband and hair bow holder. It was not a relaxing weekend, but it was productive and helped me feel like we are getting closer to being a family.

One tiny worry...

What if they don't show up and we have to somehow give back all of the gifts?!?!? 

Now that I have voiced that fear, I will do as one of my administrators says and "put in a bubble and blow it away." I have known in my heart since May 22 that these are my kids. The rest of the world has known since the end of August. Now I just have to have faith that they will get here when they should.

Here are some photos of the aforementioned crafts. Seriously, I can't believe I spent an afternoon on these things!

Going Home...Coming Home

The first child my husband and I ever parented has gone home to his biological family. The two weeks leading up to yesterday were quite horrible. Stress, tears, and tantrums while still trying to make some great memories. When we first talked about this day as kind of a vague idea, we told our worker that she should just come pick him up one day and not tell us when it would be - that way we wouldn't have to dread a day for weeks before it came. Obviously that is not how it worked. We did make a few more wonderful memories, and we have a plan to see him again in a couple of weeks. It will be hard, but we want him to know that he will always be in our hearts.

Now we turn our full attention to welcoming our children home. I have organized their clothes and toys, and started some full-fledged "nesting." Next weekend I am making some crafts for in their bedrooms as well as the bathroom. I am also going to make them each a fleece tie blanket. Gives me something to do while I wait.

Today is a relatively good day. Busy and full of looking ahead. I am sure there are quite a few more down days as I mourn this vast loss and pine for new beginnings.