History of an Adoptive Mother

So it has been awhile since I last blogged. That really isn't too surprising since I am a teacher, grad student, and mother of three school-age kiddos. The semester of the school year has passed without anything of real significance occurring. In our world, that is a good thing!

Everyone is doing well in school. We are loving our riding lessons and the great things that horses can teach us. Church is still a major part of our world and our social circle. I have one more paper before I complete my program. I have been getting healthier and feeling stronger and more fit. I actually feel like I am reaching a point in my life where I can focus more on myself again. That only took 3-5 years, depending on when I start counting. In reality, I went in to "the dark ages" in 2010 after our first miscarriage. I couldn't go out in public. I had panic attacks when I saw pregnant people and baby stuff. Essentially, I was hibernating. Was I hiding? Perhaps. I remember that I finally worked up the courage to go to Walmart, only to discover they had rearranged it so that baby items were right near the entrance. I nearly ran out of the store. Then there was the panic attack in the theatre when my husband and I went to see Salt. And the birthday I don't remember. Literally. I am not sure if I celebrated or just stayed in bed. The stress wiped all memories of that time like a magnet over a hard drive. There was the school year that I didn't start because I had a mental breakdown and flew to be with my grandmother who had just had surgery for colon cancer. That was the year I didn't even set up my own classroom. Some wonderful friends and colleagues took care of it all for me. I mean, there is literally a folder in my file cabinet labeled "first week of school," so I am sure they had some help on my end.

I had almost felt normal again after awhile. Not really normal; more like "settled." I could talk to pregnant people again, and I had a bit of a social life. Then, nearly three years ago, we brought home our kids. What a wonderful Christmas gift they were! That began the next phase of life that lasted until now. Maybe I will refer to it as "the great depression." Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my kids. The adjustment was very difficult. In hindsight, I hadn't really stabilized my mental health fully. I was still running on fumes, depleted by anxiety and anticipation. When the kids came, we all held it together for awhile, and then we all fell apart. Adjustment, trauma, loss, grief, and stress caught up to us all. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I withdrew into myself and became angry and fearful. I lost my whole identity. All of my interests and pursuits were put on hold. I literally gained 25 pounds. I felt, at times, like I was folding down into myself. Yes, there were times of great joy and fun memories, but it was a difficult period.

I now feel like I am on the verge of the "the enlightenment." [I do realize these time periods do not match up with the actual historical time periods.] I am finding myself again. I went on a trip to NYC. I drove to the airport, hopped on a plane with a backpack and a carry on bag. I had my friend's address and a vague plan of how the trip would go. When I was hungry, I ate. I didn't plan anything. When I landed at La Guardia, I got in the taxi line and gave the cabbie the address. I nearly vomited during the ride, but I made it. And I loved the freedom and unpredictability. I rode the subway for over an hour to pick up my sister the next day. By myself. I was not lonely. I just listened to music and went with the flow. Then my sister and I went to Grand Central Station to meet up with another friend. We had no plans besides going to see Wicked the next day. We explored neighborhoods, checked out gelato and bagel shops, and ordered cookies at midnight from a cookie delivery place (they arrived still warm). We took in all the tourist sights that Manhattan offers in seven hours - the whole island. From the World Trade Center Memorial to a carriage ride in Central Park, Little Italy and China Town to Rockefeller Plaza. My feet were killing me, and my stomach ached, but somewhere on the Metro, I found myself again. The strong, educated woman who isn't intimidated by new people and experiences. The woman who enjoys reading, cooking, and performing. The small-town Minnesotan who has traveled all over the world. The same woman whose guts and determination were exactly why she was able to find her kids and adopt them. Somehow this woman had been lost. I am so glad she is found. Do I think that life will be easy now? No. But I feel hopeful that I can now continue to return to the woman I once was, albeit an older and less naive version.

The Grief Cycle

The other day my daughter entered back into the grief cycle. The pain was fresh and raw; she was angry and sad. she had been thinking about her birthday in October, and she wished her birth family and her forever family could all be together for her birthday. I explained why that probably wasn't a possibility. She wept bitterly. Then she brought me her life book and asked me to tell her the story of her life up until she came to live with us. Although I had told her this story before, she seems to have trouble remembering any of it because she was so little. Unlike her big brother, she doesn't have any actual memories of her birth parents -- just photographs and stories. For better or worse, she doesn't remember the trauma of witnessing domestic violence and seeing chemical abuse. She talked about how she sometimes feels lonely and aches for both of her families to be united. She told me a dream she has where our house burns down, and she has no parents. She tries to ride her bike to get to her horse so she can ride it to where her birth parents live so she can ask for help. Anxiety was overwhelming her, so we talked about realistic outcomes if she were to lose both my husband and I. Although I would normally try to explain to her that she needs to focus on rational thinking, our therapist recently helped us to see how coming up with backup plans (even if the fear is completely irrational such as someone will steal all of the kids' toys while we are at school) can be very reassuring for our kids. When we talked through all of the people that could raise her if my husband and I both died, she seemed to be less anxious.

For now, she is back to her normal six-year-old self. The grief cycle can sneak up on you. It resurfaces in times of great sorrow or great joy, and it hides behind transition times like returning to school. Each time we go through the grief cycle, it brings up different aspects of loss. Hopefully time will help her heal.

Back to School

School is back in session. That means a change in routine. Changes in routine lead to anxiety. Anxiety leads to scratching and insomnia. For a neurotypical kiddo, going back to school is an adjustment. For a kiddo with PTSD and anxiety, going back to school is a huge challenge. It stirs up memories of grief and loss. It causes separation anxiety, eczema flair ups, and insomnia. My youngest has the least amount of trauma from his early life experiences, so he is able to go with the flow a bit more. My daughter, however, cried at Meet the Teacher night. I realize that isn't too unusual for a first grader, but she has the same teacher, classroom, and students as last year. Our elementary school loops, so they have two years with the same people. I couldn't believe she had tears again! My oldest, on the other hand, is a mess. He can't sleep at night. We are back to someone laying with him or him sleeping in our room. He is a third grader, and we still go through this with each transition. He has been here almost three years. He has nightmares, his legs are full of scratches, and he can't stop thinking about his birth mom. All of this stems from his "normal" summer routine morphing into his "normal" school routine. I told people that I don't do anything for the first month after school starts. No appointments. No activities. I was thinking maybe I didn't need to pause everything this year, but I am glad I did. D just needs extra time with us. He needs to be reassured that we are not leaving him, he is safe, and he will be okay with this new normal again. Just like my daughter, he has the same classroom, teacher, and students. It isn't anything new. The challenge is just to readjust. We will make it, but it takes a lot of extra TLC. A lot of hugs, patience, and extra family time. We also experience a spike in tantrums and angry outbursts. We will survive.

Get Your Girl Back

Parenting takes a lot out of me. Especially parenting kiddos with special needs. From 2010 until now, I have really struggled with my mental, physical, and emotional health. Recently I attended the Thirty-One National Conference in Denver, and I heard four amazing motivational speakers. The one that really spoke to my heart, however, was Traci Bild, author of Get Your Girl Back. She talked about prioritizing life and taking deliberate steps to get your life back to the way you want it to be. We can't do everything, but we can prioritize and really focus on what is important to us. When I sat down with myself and figured out what "girl" I wanted back, I came to these conclusions:

• Fitness and Health - feel better, stronger, and fit back into my clothes. This includes having time to work out and the resources to eat healthy. 
• Parenting - spending time actually playing with my kids, cuddling, reading, and interacting one-on-one in a fun way every day for at least 10 minutes. Sometimes I spend an hour with one kid, but it is on homework or a project. I want to enjoy my kiddos. After all, I spent years trying to get them, right? Ten minutes doesn't seem like much, but ten minutes of one-on-one attention for each of my lovelies is a lot more than I have been giving.
• Marriage - We obviously married each other because we loved one another. Somewhere over the last few years, we have become a bit disconnected. It happened in little steps with events in our lives: miscarriage, moving, fostering, adopting, parenting, recruiting trips, etc. In the last few months, we have been more intentional about spending time together and remembering why we enjoy one another. We are even going to start "dating" again! 

Wow! My Thirty-One business and my teaching career didn't even make the list! What is truly important to me has nothing to do with money or prestige. It is health and family. Traci has emails, a dream journal, and a book coming out soon. I can't wait to dig further into her challenge to get my girl back! 

Summertime

I have been very quiet on social media lately. Part of the reason is that I needed to complete two graduate courses this summer, and one of them was extremely labor intensive. I mean, 8+ hours a day for three weeks straight. No joke. We also had a nice trip to see my family. The kids did great. They were flexible during changes in routine, they got along with cousins and extended family, and they were so much fun! D ended up picking his legs, but they did well overall. They are amazing travelers! We did boating, fishing, four-wheeling, water park hotel, amusement park, mini golfing, tubing down a river, and more. Memories to last a lifetime!

In other news, D grew 3 inches in the last year! That means, although he is still very small compared to his peers, we do not have to look at human growth hormones. We are so thankful! We will just keep up with high protein, high fat, and lots of fruits and veggies. D lost another tooth, and S finally lost her first tooth. It has been super exciting around here.

One of the biggest changes is that we acquired a second dog. It took eight years for me to agree to the first dog, and now we have two. A seven year old blue heeler mix joined our lab retriever mix. They get along fabulously, and the new dog loves to cuddle with the kids. She is actually more therapeutic than our dog has ever been. Although I am not enjoying the extra dog fur, it is great to see my kids experience unconditional love from an animal.

D continues working on his farm, and the big two went to a therapeutic horse camp this summer for kids who have experienced grief and loss. The sessions were full, so they actually created a separate camp for kids who are in similar situations to my kiddos (adoption, foster care, divorce) rather than death. It has stirred up some emotions, but it is also making them stronger. It is so cool to see my kids leading around these huge animals and gaining confidence. They have all decided to be vets now.

Tomorrow D will experience respite for the first time. His case manager is providing the respite for four hours, so he decided he could give it a try. They will be going hiking or playing at a park, eating lunch, and then playing games. He used to say that he didn't want to do respite (because he didn't understand what it is), but now he is excited to hang out with his friends from summer group. I hope it goes well! During the school year, he can go one Saturday a month to do some really neat activities like skating, the YMCA, movies, going out to eat, and more. I don't think any of us are interested in overnight respite, but I think he will enjoy the time away from his parents. It will be nice for the little two to get some more attention as well.

Next week the kids are going to their grandparents' house for a week while Dad and I get ready for the beginning of school. We will miss them, but I think it will be nice to have time with Nana and Granddad and get spoiled a bit. When they return, it is back to school with a Kingergartener, 1st grader, and 3rd grader! Crazy!

Are we done?

A couple weeks ago marked five years since we first found out we were pregnant. Five years. Wow. In some ways, it seems like just the blink of an eye. At the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago. Since then, we have lost two children to miscarriage, lost a grandfather and stepfather, parented and lost three great kiddos, moved three times, had three different jobs, and gained quite an extra 25 pounds each that we are trying to take off. So the question is, are we done? Do we plan on parenting any more kids? Biological? Adoptive? If the answer is no, which I think it is. Isn't 31 really early to decide you aren't going to have anymore kids? Do we take a surgical route to make sure we won't ever be pregnant again? If we decide to have surgery, then we eliminate all changes of us having biological children. We really and truly will never pass along our genes. We will never experience the first kicks of a child we created. We will never see which traits of ours got passed along. We will never get to pick names and decide if we want to find out the gender or be surprised when the baby is born. On the other hand, my kids are enough for me. Although I don't want to to be "left out" of those experiences, I don't want to parent another child. It all sounds so selfish when I write it all out, but it is really something to think about.

Grandparent Trip

We are so blessed to have such wonderful grandparents for our kids on both sides of the family. I am so grateful for the love and experiences our parents share with our kids. Here is just one example. D is currently on day six of a nine day trip with his paternal grandparents. About a year ago, Nana brought up the idea of a grandparent trip when each kid was at least seven years old. This year, D turned eight, and his cousin turned seven. So off they went! At Christmas, they found out the destination, Mount Rushmore, and received book about some of the places they were going to see as part of their Christmas gifts. Nana created an itinerary to help D with his anxiety, and he has been having a blast! He called the first couple days, but he has just been having too much fun to worry about us. They have gone to Denver, Cheyenne, and Rapid City. Pretty soon they will head back to Denver to drop off the cousin and then return home to Kansas. It is amazing that Nana and Granddad were willing to take my son and all of his baggage (literal and metaphorical) on a nine day adventure. That is true love.

Bad Memories

When I was a first-time expectant mother, life was full of possibilities. We became pregnant right away, and we were thrilled! I had taken the day off work to have a mental health day with my best friend who was moving to Georgia. When she got to my house, I told her I wasn't feeling well. I decided to take a pregnancy test, and it was positive! I am a worrier, so I called the doctor and had a blood draw just to make sure. Then I called my husband at work, and we promised not to tell anyone else until it was safe. By the time he got home, he had already told his work friends, so we decided to tell our "circle." We knew that some people have miscarriages, but we really didn't know anyone that had happened to. I vividly remember a hailstorm sometime that week, and my husband was outside watching. I told him to be careful, and he quipped, "I am a father now. I can do anything!" We were invincible.

Appointments came and went, and then we had a regular checkup. I hadn't gained any weight and the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat. That happens sometimes, they told us. So we had an ultrasound. When the tech said nothing, we knew it was over. I was supposed to go golfing with my dad. I had plans for lunch. They all stopped. After they moved us to a different room, we heard the doctor talking to a colleague outside the door about how she hated this part of her job. I told my husband we had lost the baby, but he was still being optimistic. When she finally came in, we were really just in shock. After she left, I did the required blood work. My husband, trying to be an optimist still, said, "Well, we weren't sure we could afford daycare, so maybe it will be okay." As we rode the elevator down, it was immensely symbolic. We arrived full of hope and left with sinking emotions. It was all too much. I passed out right there. When we arrived home, I was able to call my family and tell them what was going on. We would wait to see if my body would "take care of things" or if I would need a D&C. The next week was torture as I waited for my surgery. The only two things I really remember from that week are that my medical chart labeled the loss of my child as a spontaneous abortion and waking up from surgery and asking for my husband. The nurse told me I should still be asleep, but I very clearly explained to her that I would do whatever needed to be done to get out of there.

Since it was summer, I had no job to attend. I tried not to hate myself and my body for losing my child. I played mini golf on the Playstation and watched Food Network. I avoided my friends and prayed for time to speed up. My best friend moved away, and life continued. Wal-mart moved its baby section closer to the check out for the ease of parents. I had spent virtually my entire life checking out strollers and bassinets. My sister and I spent hours pouring over the JCPenny catalogues picking out baby items from the time we were small. Now baby paraphernalia made me burst into tears. I quit doing the shopping. If we went together, I made sure I had a plan for a quick escape. I still visited my sister-in-law. She was due with her second child the two weeks before me. I suffered through watching her grow my nephew and prepare for his arrival, a very real-time reminder of what we are missing. I tried to see a movie, Salt, with my husband. Right before the lights went out, I lost it. I had a panic attack. I am not sure I knew what it was at the time, but I felt like every patron in the theatre knew, somehow, that my child had died and I was out watching a movie.

In October, I received an invitation to a ceremony for "all parts from conceptions" from the hospital. We did not attend since I had already planned a trip to Florida, but I felt strangely uncomfortable as I vaguely remembered signing that the hospital could take care of the "remains" and that I wouldn't be there for the burial. It was easier for me to think of the miscarriage as a medical condition rather than a lost child. Avoidance and denial was the name of the game during that stage of the grief cycle.

Then we became pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck. Rather than testing biology again, I was leaning towards adoption, an option we had discussed for several years before even trying to become pregnant. My first doctor, who I really did love despite the whole situation, had switched practices. My new doctor was not willing to do the things my first doctor had discussed such as progesterone, regular heartbeat checks, and early ultrasounds. She said, "There really isn't any point in any of those things until we see if this baby lives." After that appointment, I never set food back into that practice again. I found a new doctor willing to work with and help ease my fears. The waiting room was hell. All of the very pregnant glowing mothers with their entourages in tow, finding out the sex of their child or counting down the days until the birth while holding hands lovingly. My husband and I were cowering in the corner squeezing hands tightly in fear. Blood draws and ultrasounds were a regular torture we endured. I didn't drink a sip of caffeine, I took care of myself in every possible way. I even went so far as to wear a special necklace someone had given me in order to help my body be strong. Seriously. For a month, we knew that our numbers weren't good. They were going up but not doubling. There was nothing to be done except have hope and wait. My doctor told me that things did not look promising but that she had seen all things in her time as a doctor and that nothing was beyond hope. One day we finally got a picture of our baby on the ultrasound! A real printout and everything! A few days later, on a Tuesday, I started bleeding. Since I had appointments about every three days, I had an appointment that afternoon. As I went in for an ultrasound, the necklace I had been wearing for luck fell to the ground and broke. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell us anything, so we knew the drill. This time, instead of a surgery, I was able to miscarry on my own at home. The amount of pain was quite intense, cramping beyond belief. I imagine it is probably worse when actually giving child birth, but the adrenaline of knowing you are about to meet your child probably dulls some of the pain and allows you to make it through. Miscarriage pain is not only physical, but emotionally and mentally painful. The cramps were bringing me a bundle of joy, they were tearing my world apart again. My child was unceremoniously "passed" at home still in the egg sac and all. I am truly ashamed to say that my baby, my tiny little baby who had just become recognizable on an ultrasound, was flushed down the toilet. It took me ten minutes to write that. And now I am crying in shame. What could I have done? We lived in a town home so there was nowhere to bury him or her. There isn't a "thing" to do when you miscarry. To most people, it isn't even a baby, just tissue, nerves, and lots of blood. Was I supposed to take the "remains" to the hospital to be buried? Should I have contacted a funeral home? I still don't know what options there were. The doctor had sent me on my way, assuring me she would check in and see how I was doing. She never warned me or asked me about what was really going to happen.

I was now a "spontaneous aborter" because I had miscarried twice. What an awful phrase. As if I wasn't suffering enough from my first "spontaneous abortion," I now had a history of it. It was what I did with babies. It made me feel like a teenager sneaking into a shady clinic to meet a scary doctor to hide the evidence of my sins. I felt dirty and ashamed, like I was covered in the blood of my child, a scarlet letter of sorts.

Theses memories are the worst of the worst for me. I know there are more that I have forgotten, but after five years, these memories still remain; painful, raw, and shameful. I don't talk about them in these details. It makes people uncomfortable. I get a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, and my blood feels thick. Bad memories.

Still Mothers

Tomorrow is the launch of a new group called Still Mothers.

I am very excited to be part of this project for mothers who have no biological living children. There are many facets to the group including a part for grandparents who have lost a grandchild, grieving parents who are trying to conceive, and families like our who have decided to adopt after losing a biological child. Losing a child can be a very isolating experience, so hopefully this is a great way for us all to connect and support one another. We are also on Facebook.

The Head Wound

Not too long ago, my oldest, the one with PTSD, had a meltdown. A really big meltdown where he was beyond reason and needed some space to calm down. At our house, we have practiced moving the whole family to a different area so D can have room to calm down safely - he gets a little like a Tasmanian devil at times. During this meltdown, for whatever reason, I decided that it just wasn't fair to always rearrange the whole family for one kiddo. I was walking D to his room, holding his hand, and he gave a big yank. He bumped his head, not very hard, on the door frame we were walking past. He said something like, "Ow," but that was it. When we got to his room, he sat down and was continuing his fit. At the same time, we both saw a drop of blood fall on the floor. Since neither one of us knew he had really injured himself, we were shocked. Well, blood, surprises, and heightened emotions don't mix well for a kid with PTSD. Immediately, he started hyperventilating. I calmly called for my husband and my friend who were both in the other room. The first priority was to get rid of the blood so D could calm down. Apparently he bonked his head right on the part of the door where the door where the lock is. You know, the only metal part of the door. Fortunately, it was in his hair, so we knew we wouldn't have to get stitches as long as we could get the bleeding stopped. Bringing my son to get stitches would be just as traumatic as the initial injury, so we definitely avoid those when possible. After stopping the bleeding and then calming him down, we were able to discuss the incident. When I asked what he learned from the head wound, he responded, "You should listen to your mom when she says take a break or you can crack your head open." Well, I guess he understood the main point....kind of. What did I learn? Our plan of moving the other people instead of him is probably not "fair," but it is the best plan - stick to the plan!

Belly Laugh

As I read through my posts from the beginning of our foster adoption journey, I think I have lost some of my perspective. For two over two years, I prayed constantly for my children. I had faith and hope. 

Tonight, listening to my daughter tell about her field trip, I was reminded of the joy in my life that arrived with my children. S is an amazing story-teller. She has great inflection, detail, body and hand movements, and wonderful humor in everything she says. I could listen to her tell stories all day! Her class trip to the zoo today involved a very detailed description of a baboon's appearance, her time in the petting zoo area, an inattentive parent whose children were digging in the gross "poop and pee" sand while she checked her phone, and explanations of why the lion area isn't near the zebra area. I laughed. In fact, I belly-laughed. Many times. Great big guffaws, little snickers, maybe even a snort. Meanwhile, D listened to her story intently, asking questions and enjoying her narrative. J, on the other hand, took a sheet of stickers and covered his face. I love my family. 

Despite all of the tough days and challenges that come with parenting, especially parenting in our situation, my kids bring me joy, laughter, and love. 

The Ranch

Big D has his first job, at the ripe old age of 7, as a ranch hand. Let me explain. For the past two years, he has had a mentor, like a big brother. This mentor comes at least once a month, sometimes more depending upon his work schedule. Big Brother, as I will call him, is patient, attentive, and really helps to provide extra support our son. For the first year and a half, D spent his two or three hours at each visit showing his mentor every game, toy, and idea he has ever had! About two months ago, I was nearly knocked right over when D invited his little brother to go to the park with them! His growth and maturation were just shining through in that one simple invitation. As is usually the case, life changes. Big Brother told us he is going to move over the summer. This was quite a blow for D. We didm't really see it coming. We have a few months to prepare for the loss of Big Brother. Here we are right back in the middle of the grief cycle again. D isn't the only one morning the change. I have been fretting about what this will do to him to lose such a solid support figure in his life. I mentioned it to an out of state friend, but I have kept it pretty quiet.

Then my phone rang. It was a family friend we met through our neighbor. She was talking in circles, and I could tell she was leading up to something uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and waited to hear another piece of unsolicited parenting advice or sales pitch. Instead, I heard an answer to prayer. She and her husband have grown children, but she has always wanted more. As a compromise of sorts, they had called to offer D a job on their ranch. He would be responsible to gather eggs, feed the chickens and goats, learn how to feed the cows, and take care of their horse. In reality, he would be working on the ranch and growing another root to help stabilize him as he grows. Just as Big Brother leaving left the potential for one area of D's life to become stagnant, another part popped up ready to grow. What a blessing! They have a special spot for his work clothes. The cupboard is stocked with treats that are perfect for a 7 year old, and they are ready to love on him!

We went out there once as a family to check out the job. He was so excited that someone needed him!  He gladly accepted the position...and then asked what they were going to pay him! "Well, since this is a job, you are going to pay me, right?" He loves his job, and is thrilled with the $0.50 he earned last time. It truly takes a whole village to raise a child.

Keeping Ties

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I got a text from the foster family my kids lived with for two years. They asked if they could talk for awhile. We used to Skype or call pretty regularly, but somewhere, over time, the kids became much less interested in keeping connections. This time, everyone was eager to chat! We started out with a few minutes on the phone, and then we moved into Skype. The foster family recently had a new baby, so everyone enjoyed "meeting" her. The foster mom even suggested she might come and visit this summer. At first I was kind of taken aback! I mean, shouldn't someone preview that with the parents before they announce they will be coming to visit? But then I realized that she truly is always welcome at our house, just another extension of a large family tree. 

Today my daughter spent time making a family book of her own (kind of like the life book we gave each kiddo). She used illustrations only, but here are the contents of the book: 

Page 1 - Our family 

Page 2 - Her foster parents (but she really meant her birth parents). I think her only "memories" of her birth parents are what she hears from her brother or sees in her life book. 

Page 3 - My sister and her family 

Page 4 - Her foster family, including their new baby 

Page 5 - All of her cousins 

It truly melted my heart to read her family book. It wasn't a sad book at all but rather a celebration of all the people in her life that love her and have taken care of her or meant something special. The idea that her family book is growing with time is an amazing statement of the love and support I hope she is feeling. My hope for each of my kids is that they will see their support system grow a little bigger each year and that their roots will get a little deeper. Over time, their "family tree" will be so massive from their birth family, foster family, adoptive family, teachers, and our church family that, even if they have a limb that breaks or they experience a season of drought, they will be able to continue to thrive and grow strong.  

Resources for Adopted Children

The following is a list of resources that our family has found useful. We adopted a sibling group of three children under the age of six through foster care. Many of these resources focus on adoption and dealing with trauma, anxiety, and behavior difficulties. It is a list in progress!

• Tapestry Books – A website that states the following: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need.
•  Adoption is for Always by Linda Girard – a book to help children understand the permanency of adoption.
• God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren – a mother’s story about how God brought her forever family together.
• Welcome Home Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell – a book geared towards children who were adopted after infancy.  
• I Wished for You: An Adoption Story by Marianne R. Richmond – a good explanation of how adoptive families come together.
• A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza – Choco is trying to find his mother, who ends up being a different species of animal.  
• A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret Holmes – an excellent book for children who have experienced any traumatic event.
• Todd Parr is a prolific author with a very unique illustration style. His books cover many emotional topics including being different, making mistakes, and being adopted.  
• What to do When You’re Scared or Worried: A Guide for Kids by James J. Crist
• What to do When It’s Not Fair: A Kid’s Guide to Handling Envy and Jealousy by Jacqueline B. Toner and Claire A. B. Freeland – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When Your Temper Flares: A Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger by Dawn Heubner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Worry Too Much: A Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Problems with Sleep by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids an families

Resources for Foster & Adoptive Families

Before reading the list, I want to give a little background information to help you understand the lens through which I view the world. My husband and I do not have any biological children. We have always had an interest in adopting a sibling group through foster care. After experiencing the pain and loss of miscarriage, we decided to become foster parents with the end goal of adoption. We found our children on a waiting child list. We knew they were difficult to place and had special needs. Prior to adopting them, we foster three children, all under the age of six. One of the children we fostered had some challenges, including physical aggression, tantrums lasting up to three hours, and extreme nightmares. The children we adopted were in foster care for as long as they had been alive by the time we got them at ages 3, 4, and 5. They have experienced trauma and neglect, loss, and multiple homes in a short amount of time. Although our youngest seems to have few lasting effects due to trauma, he remains developmentally behind his peers in some areas, such as fine motor, due to his early life experiences. Our daughter has high anxiety and moves to "flight" mode whenever she is faced with too much anxiety. Our oldest has anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. As I have written about in many of my other posts, his behaviors are very challenging at times. Therapists and foster-adoption professionals have recommended the majority of the resources below:

•  NACAC – North American Council for Adoptable Children – This is a wonderful website for all adoptive families. There is a wealth of information covering all angles of adoption.   
• The Adoption Exchange – This is the website where we found our forever family on a waiting child list. It also has many resources and information for adoptive parents.
• Adopt US Kids – This website is a great starting point for people looking for more information about foster adoption. It also includes a waiting child list that includes all fifty states.  
•  How Neglect Shapes the Brain – This is a great article for anyone who interacts with someone who has been through trauma.
• Tapestry Books – This website does exactly what it says: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need. 
•  IFAPA – Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association – This website has information specific to Iowa, but it also includes two major sections that are excellent resources. The resources section includes links about foster care, adoption, kinship care, resources for youth, trauma information, and legislative resources. The publications section has some great publications as well as life book pages and welcome books pages. 
•  TCU Institute of Child Development – This is a wonderful resource that includes a great program entitled Trust-Based Parenting, one of the best approaches to children who have experienced trauma and loss and who demonstrate challenging behaviors. Dr. Karyn B. Purvis is the Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development. The Connected Child: For Parents who have Welcomed Children from Other Countries and Cultures, from Troubled Backgrounds, with Special Behaviors by Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine explains some of the basic principles found in the Trust-Based Parenting DVD series.
•  Love & Logic – Information on a parenting approach that focuses on natural consequences instead of punishments. This website includes a plethora of resources for parents and teachers of children of all ages and backgrounds.
• Empowering Parents – This website is devoted to child behavior assistance. There are many articles, resources, and printables for parents.  
• Kathy Harrison is a foster and adoptive mother who has authored several books including One Small Boat and Another Place at the Table. These books give great insight into life as a foster and adoptive parent.
• Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos – The actress from My Big Fat Greek Wedding authors this highly-entertaining and honest book about her experience with infertility and adopting through foster care. 
• Dr. Bruce Perry has authored several excellent resources that make neuroscience accessible to the general audience. His books help to explain why children who have experienced trauma behavior the way they do and how to help them heal.
• The PTSD Breakthrough by Dr. Frank Lawlis – Although this book focuses on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in adults, much of the information can be used for children as well.
• When Love is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder by Nancy L. Thomas. This book provides some parenting advice for helping children with some of the most severe behaviors. Most parents will not need many of the parenting guidelines found in this book.
• The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson
• Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories edited by Kay Marner and Adrienne Ehlert Bashista
• Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors by Heather T. Forbes & B. Bryan Post

The Leash

Big D has been experimenting with attention-seeking behavior lately. He wants to see where I will draw the line. These behaviors usually only come up when Dad has been gone for a couple of days or Big D is feeling anxious. In the last six weeks, here are some of the behaviors he has tried out.

He was sitting with me one morning eating his breakfast while I got ready for work. This is not a normal mourning routine, but he was having a rough morning. He was trying to ruffle my feathers, but I held my cool. So he kept raising the stakes little by little: name-calling, sassing, pushing, and so on. Finally he threatened to touch my flat iron and then immediately followed through. Luckily it was only a minor burn on the very tip of one finger, but he spent several days upset over his own behavior.

The second incident was when he got angry and threatened to jump out of his window - on the second  floor of our old Victorian home. Since I was home alone and still freaked out by the flat iron incident, I nailed his window closed. Maybe not the best solution, but it was all I had at the time. At least it kept him safe.

Awhile later, we had an incident with a leash. He was playing nicely with his siblings, and then he came to me and said, "Look at my neck." Upon inspection, i correctly guessed that he had taken he leash and choked himself.  Neither of his siblings ever mentioned anything about it, but I was pretty upset.

Although he is not trying to hurt himself, I am concerned about his need for attention and for his exploration of self-harming behavior. Needless to say, we have had some extra therapy sessions and some interesting communication with school. I am very thankful we have such a network of support for ourselves and for our children. We haven't had an incident for a couple of weeks now, so I am hoping this phase is over.

Spring Break

Spring break is not a "relaxing" time for kids who require a predictable routine every day...so we welcomed back the visual schedule to our home!

Due to D's anxiety, OCD, and PTSD, he needs a regular and predictable schedule. When he first came to live with us, we used these schedule cards every day for a year and a half. For kids who have been through foster care and trauma, unscheduled time is not relaxing. There are more cards than shown above, but this gives the general idea. We have cards for bath, homework, swimming, playtime, etc. To help with the 11 days at home (four of which Dad was gone), I made sure to go over the daily plan each morning during breakfast. It didn't change hardly at all since we spent the break playing at home, but the cards were discussed daily. If we decided to change something during the day, we all went to the schedule and changed the cards around. Even though it doesn't have times, the kids could see what was "coming up next." Appointments, walks, art, and movies also made appearances during break.

Overall, it was the best spring break we have had in the three years we have had the kiddos. We had dentist appointments (again) and a few excursions like a picnic at a local outdoor area and checking out a ranch. There were very few meltdowns and fits! I am not sure the cards can take all the credit, but I think they were a major factor.

Visit my Etsy shop for these schedule cards as a digital download! They have been a lifesaver!

Saving & Making Money

As a family of five with both parents in education, I am always looking for "easy" ways to make money! Here are some of the best ways I have tried out that take minimal effort!

• Open an Etsy Shop! $0.20 to list an item and 3.5% of the cost goes back to Etsy. Not too bad! This is great if you have a hobby or like to make digital products. I just spent $0.60 to open my shop with some digital files I had created for myself including schedule cards, a lesson plan book that will also have a notebook in the back (so tired of carrying so many things around at school!), and a 2016 planner. Yes, I realize it is only 2015, but I was in a mood :) Check it out! www.etsy.com/shop/TheOrganizedMe 
• Direct Sales are an option for people who have a bit more available time. I started selling Thirty-One about 2 years ago. I now have a team of people, and I average about $150 a month with only one party a month. Not all companies are the same, but I love Thirty-One. I do not need to keep any stock on hand, and I earn 25% commission on everything I sell. Plus I get some great rewards and incentives from the company and a small override from my team. Some months I have made as much as $700. Check it out! www.mythirtyone.com/348459/
• Ebates I signed up for Ebates in 2013, but I really didn't understand it or use it well. Living in a small town, I do the majority of my shopping (besides groceries) online. I shop at Amazon, Walmart, Target, The Children's Place, Barnes and Noble, and iTunes on a fairly regular basis (at least once a quarter). My kids use a lot of hand-me-downs, but sometimes I have to supplement with new clothing. I can also find all of the obscure items I can't find in my town. I try to shop local as much as possible, but then I move on to my online friends! Ebates will also show you all of the current coupons and deals for the store you are going to shop at, including the codes. You just log into Ebates, then search for your store. Ebates redirects you and then rewards you! Up to 6% at some stores, but most are 1-3%. 
• Nielsen Panel - You can download an app that tracks data from your phone, and you earn rewards that can get you actual items or gift cards. We love anything that can get a gift card. There are so many choices! I downloaded the app in December and am just racking up points right now for doing nothing besides sharing my information. Some people are really up posed to sharing information, but it doesn't bother me - definitely a personal choice!  
• Virtual Bee - If you have good typing skills, there are places that allow you to work from home and get paid by completing projects. At Virtual Bee, you take a three part "assessment" to evaluate your typing skills. The biggest challenge is following the complicated directions! You can take the assessment every 24 hours to improve your score. You are given a percentile and then may be offered jobs. I haven't completed any of the jobs so far, so I can't say any more about this one. 
• Walmart Savings Catcher - It is a free app that you download onto your phone. After shopping at Walmart, just scan the QR code on your receipt, and the app will compare what you paid to the nearby stores. If there is any lower advertised price than what you paid, you get the difference. You can get the money back in the form of a Walmart gift card. Since October, we have earned over $20 by scanning receipts. I am saving up for some items for the guest room! 
• Healthy Wage and Diet Bet - Two sites that allow you to "bet" on what you are going to lose. After entering your data, it shows you the returns you can earn on your money if you meet the goals. You have to have money in order to place a bet, however. 
• Thred Up and Like Twice - These online clothing thrift stores/consignment stores offer store credit for referrals as well as sending in your own clothes to sell. This won't be a huge money-maker, but it could help with clothing bills! 

I hope maybe one or more of these ideas can help you out! Rather than putting this money towards the general family fund, I find that I am more invested if I use it to save up for special things. On my current wish list: summer vacation splurges, trip to New York, fitness tracker, decorating the guest room, trip to Colorado, and patio furniture! Happy saving! 

Different

Our family is different. Although the kids look like dad a bit (he has a darker completion and dark hair), they look nothing like me. I am very Scandinavian looking, and they are Hispanic. Today at the swimming pool, another Hispanic little girl about 5 years old asked me where my children were. I pointed the kids out, and then she asked, "What does the dad look like?" It doesn't really bother me, but it bothers my daughter. She draws our family with brown skin and black hair - except for me. I am pink with yellow hair. She has lamented, "I wish I had hair like yours" and "Can I pretend I was in your tummy?" I don't mind these things, but I hope that I am also teaching her to embrace her heritage and not to worry about how people look.  A few weeks ago, she came home and said her friend at school was teaching her Spanish because "her family speaks Spanish...and they all have the same hair color." My husband and I are both fluent in Spanish, so that is not anything too new for the kiddos. It was that last part of the sentence that breaks my heart knowing that she is uncomfortable because she feels different than other families. I hope she never feels less than others because she is adopted, Hispanic, a female, or part of an interracial family.

Because of this, I am learning to be more aware of things. For example, it is nearly impossible to get a personalized book (where your kids get to be in the story) with a protagonist who has dark hair and eyes. In Barbie, the Hispanic doll is the mean one, and there are some other minor "not blonde" characters. Tinkerbell and her fairy friends at least have a bit more diversity, and they seem to be more equally important than in other shows. Disney Princesses are a challenge as well. This week we watched Pocahontas and my kids thought they finally found someone that looked like them! It is about time for a Disney major motion picture musical featuring a Hispanic female lead!

But I digress. This post isn't about how poorly minorities are represented in today's culture. It is about helping my daughter to accept that our family is different, but that doesn't mean we are less.

The Performance

Our elementary school does a performance each year for every grade. In kindergarten and first grade, the performance went really well. As a second grader, D's performance gave him quite a bit more anxiety. I don't know why this year was different. Maybe it was because his teacher wasn't going to be there. Maybe it was because there was a new music teacher. Maybe his anxiety is just growing. I don't really know. All I know is that D spent the three days leading up to the performance crying, throwing fits, and obsessively reminding me of what time he needed to arrive. He worried about people staring at him. He worried about being late.

In the end, he did great. The days leading up to the event, however, nearly did us all in. I am not sure how to help him relax and not worry when we are getting near a big event. We talk through it. We mark it on the calendar. We have never been late or missed a big event. Hopefully we can find the magic answer soon.

The Dentist

Not everyone enjoys the dentist. I have always loved going for my check-ups every six months. If it was allowed, I would probably go every month just to have that really clean, sparkly feeling in my mouth. I love it! My oldest, however, really hates the dentist. When a child struggles with PTSD, anxiety, and hypervigelence, something like a dental visit is complete sensory overload! Between all the people, noises, and smells, it is enough to make him want to run the other way. Talk about intense! The actual feel of the dental instruments, the water sprayer, and - gasp - the suction straw make him almost sick. I don't really recall the first time or two we took D to the dentist. Maybe Dad sat with him while I was with someone else. I now know that it is definitely on his list of activities he would prefer to avoid - at all costs! On Monday, he will have sealants done. His last hygienist was great, so hopefully she will have him again. Last time, he looked at her and said, "I like you, but I hate you touching my teeth." Without missing a beat, she smiled and thanked him. Amazing! We had to cover his face with a washcloth while she sprayed them, and he spit into a cup rather than the suction straw as much as possible. Here's to hoping Monday goes well!

OCD

Footsteps went down the hall. 

"Stupid blankets." 

I opened one eye to see that it was barely 7:00 in the morning. More footsteps. 

"Stupid bed." 

I stumbled into D's room to find him obsessively re-making his bed, blankets strewn all over. I helped him make the bed and set his animals neatly on the covers. 

"Go watch cartoons or something," I said. 

He looked at me like I was crazy and then stared at the clock. 3:12. What?!?! Apparently I can't trust my eyes when I first get up! 

"Okay, go back to sleep," I suggested. 

"I can't! I will mess up my covers!" he protested. 

"Then come lay in my room." 

"What about a pillow?" he questioned. 

"You can't move the pillows either? Okay...here is one you can have." 

He tossed and turned for over 45 minutes before finally succumbing to sleep. 

What in the world? Is he starting to demonstrate severe obsessive compulsive tendencies? Is this a one time event? I guess only time will tell.