Abused Animals

You know those terribly depressed commercials about abused animals? They just rub me the wrong way. In fact, the last time I saw one during a family gathering, I spewed a bit along the following lines: 

So we all know that abused dogs don't like loud noises and things, right? They will tremble and sometimes even pee. No one yells at them for acting on their instincts. We all are careful to be cautious with the animal because the abuse was not the animal's fault. We realize that they will have problems, possibly for the rest of their lives, and we don't expect them to ever go back to being a "normal" dog because of what they experienced. The abuse changed them permanently, no matter how long ago it took place. How come people expect humans to be able to overcome abuse and neglect and just "act normal"? Those abused animals clearly have PTSD, but no one accuses them of making up the long-lasting effects of the trauma. No one tells them to get over their fear of balloons or loud noises. Instead, we have commercials and fundraisers. But a kid with PTSD must just be hyper and naughty, choosing to act in ways that are socially unacceptable, right? That makes absolutely no sense to me. We can see how trauma affects creates that can't really process things, so why do we expect kids to get over it? That just irritates me! 

No one responded. I think I made my point. And I don't think anyone called in to start up a monthly donation to rescue any animals. Don't get me wrong, I feel great compassion and deep sadness when I think about animals that have experienced abuse and neglect. I just think humans deserve the same compassion and empathy that we extend to animals. 

The Grief Cycle

The other day my daughter entered back into the grief cycle. The pain was fresh and raw; she was angry and sad. she had been thinking about her birthday in October, and she wished her birth family and her forever family could all be together for her birthday. I explained why that probably wasn't a possibility. She wept bitterly. Then she brought me her life book and asked me to tell her the story of her life up until she came to live with us. Although I had told her this story before, she seems to have trouble remembering any of it because she was so little. Unlike her big brother, she doesn't have any actual memories of her birth parents -- just photographs and stories. For better or worse, she doesn't remember the trauma of witnessing domestic violence and seeing chemical abuse. She talked about how she sometimes feels lonely and aches for both of her families to be united. She told me a dream she has where our house burns down, and she has no parents. She tries to ride her bike to get to her horse so she can ride it to where her birth parents live so she can ask for help. Anxiety was overwhelming her, so we talked about realistic outcomes if she were to lose both my husband and I. Although I would normally try to explain to her that she needs to focus on rational thinking, our therapist recently helped us to see how coming up with backup plans (even if the fear is completely irrational such as someone will steal all of the kids' toys while we are at school) can be very reassuring for our kids. When we talked through all of the people that could raise her if my husband and I both died, she seemed to be less anxious.

For now, she is back to her normal six-year-old self. The grief cycle can sneak up on you. It resurfaces in times of great sorrow or great joy, and it hides behind transition times like returning to school. Each time we go through the grief cycle, it brings up different aspects of loss. Hopefully time will help her heal.

The Head Wound

Not too long ago, my oldest, the one with PTSD, had a meltdown. A really big meltdown where he was beyond reason and needed some space to calm down. At our house, we have practiced moving the whole family to a different area so D can have room to calm down safely - he gets a little like a Tasmanian devil at times. During this meltdown, for whatever reason, I decided that it just wasn't fair to always rearrange the whole family for one kiddo. I was walking D to his room, holding his hand, and he gave a big yank. He bumped his head, not very hard, on the door frame we were walking past. He said something like, "Ow," but that was it. When we got to his room, he sat down and was continuing his fit. At the same time, we both saw a drop of blood fall on the floor. Since neither one of us knew he had really injured himself, we were shocked. Well, blood, surprises, and heightened emotions don't mix well for a kid with PTSD. Immediately, he started hyperventilating. I calmly called for my husband and my friend who were both in the other room. The first priority was to get rid of the blood so D could calm down. Apparently he bonked his head right on the part of the door where the door where the lock is. You know, the only metal part of the door. Fortunately, it was in his hair, so we knew we wouldn't have to get stitches as long as we could get the bleeding stopped. Bringing my son to get stitches would be just as traumatic as the initial injury, so we definitely avoid those when possible. After stopping the bleeding and then calming him down, we were able to discuss the incident. When I asked what he learned from the head wound, he responded, "You should listen to your mom when she says take a break or you can crack your head open." Well, I guess he understood the main point....kind of. What did I learn? Our plan of moving the other people instead of him is probably not "fair," but it is the best plan - stick to the plan!

Resources for Adopted Children

The following is a list of resources that our family has found useful. We adopted a sibling group of three children under the age of six through foster care. Many of these resources focus on adoption and dealing with trauma, anxiety, and behavior difficulties. It is a list in progress!

• Tapestry Books – A website that states the following: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need.
•  Adoption is for Always by Linda Girard – a book to help children understand the permanency of adoption.
• God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren – a mother’s story about how God brought her forever family together.
• Welcome Home Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell – a book geared towards children who were adopted after infancy.  
• I Wished for You: An Adoption Story by Marianne R. Richmond – a good explanation of how adoptive families come together.
• A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza – Choco is trying to find his mother, who ends up being a different species of animal.  
• A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret Holmes – an excellent book for children who have experienced any traumatic event.
• Todd Parr is a prolific author with a very unique illustration style. His books cover many emotional topics including being different, making mistakes, and being adopted.  
• What to do When You’re Scared or Worried: A Guide for Kids by James J. Crist
• What to do When It’s Not Fair: A Kid’s Guide to Handling Envy and Jealousy by Jacqueline B. Toner and Claire A. B. Freeland – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When Your Temper Flares: A Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger by Dawn Heubner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Worry Too Much: A Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Problems with Sleep by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids an families

Resources for Foster & Adoptive Families

Before reading the list, I want to give a little background information to help you understand the lens through which I view the world. My husband and I do not have any biological children. We have always had an interest in adopting a sibling group through foster care. After experiencing the pain and loss of miscarriage, we decided to become foster parents with the end goal of adoption. We found our children on a waiting child list. We knew they were difficult to place and had special needs. Prior to adopting them, we foster three children, all under the age of six. One of the children we fostered had some challenges, including physical aggression, tantrums lasting up to three hours, and extreme nightmares. The children we adopted were in foster care for as long as they had been alive by the time we got them at ages 3, 4, and 5. They have experienced trauma and neglect, loss, and multiple homes in a short amount of time. Although our youngest seems to have few lasting effects due to trauma, he remains developmentally behind his peers in some areas, such as fine motor, due to his early life experiences. Our daughter has high anxiety and moves to "flight" mode whenever she is faced with too much anxiety. Our oldest has anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. As I have written about in many of my other posts, his behaviors are very challenging at times. Therapists and foster-adoption professionals have recommended the majority of the resources below:

•  NACAC – North American Council for Adoptable Children – This is a wonderful website for all adoptive families. There is a wealth of information covering all angles of adoption.   
• The Adoption Exchange – This is the website where we found our forever family on a waiting child list. It also has many resources and information for adoptive parents.
• Adopt US Kids – This website is a great starting point for people looking for more information about foster adoption. It also includes a waiting child list that includes all fifty states.  
•  How Neglect Shapes the Brain – This is a great article for anyone who interacts with someone who has been through trauma.
• Tapestry Books – This website does exactly what it says: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need. 
•  IFAPA – Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association – This website has information specific to Iowa, but it also includes two major sections that are excellent resources. The resources section includes links about foster care, adoption, kinship care, resources for youth, trauma information, and legislative resources. The publications section has some great publications as well as life book pages and welcome books pages. 
•  TCU Institute of Child Development – This is a wonderful resource that includes a great program entitled Trust-Based Parenting, one of the best approaches to children who have experienced trauma and loss and who demonstrate challenging behaviors. Dr. Karyn B. Purvis is the Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development. The Connected Child: For Parents who have Welcomed Children from Other Countries and Cultures, from Troubled Backgrounds, with Special Behaviors by Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine explains some of the basic principles found in the Trust-Based Parenting DVD series.
•  Love & Logic – Information on a parenting approach that focuses on natural consequences instead of punishments. This website includes a plethora of resources for parents and teachers of children of all ages and backgrounds.
• Empowering Parents – This website is devoted to child behavior assistance. There are many articles, resources, and printables for parents.  
• Kathy Harrison is a foster and adoptive mother who has authored several books including One Small Boat and Another Place at the Table. These books give great insight into life as a foster and adoptive parent.
• Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos – The actress from My Big Fat Greek Wedding authors this highly-entertaining and honest book about her experience with infertility and adopting through foster care. 
• Dr. Bruce Perry has authored several excellent resources that make neuroscience accessible to the general audience. His books help to explain why children who have experienced trauma behavior the way they do and how to help them heal.
• The PTSD Breakthrough by Dr. Frank Lawlis – Although this book focuses on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in adults, much of the information can be used for children as well.
• When Love is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder by Nancy L. Thomas. This book provides some parenting advice for helping children with some of the most severe behaviors. Most parents will not need many of the parenting guidelines found in this book.
• The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson
• Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories edited by Kay Marner and Adrienne Ehlert Bashista
• Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors by Heather T. Forbes & B. Bryan Post

Spirit Week and Slumber Parties

I have come to dread a few things since adopting my kiddos. First of all, spirit week. This is supposed to be a fun week where teachers and students can dress up and do something different - out of routine. Therein lies the problem. I am certain spirit week was not created to torture kids with special needs, but it does a great job of it. Every day this week, we had tears, fits, and internal/external struggles. Since my oldest verbalizes all of his thoughts, it was very interesting to hear the turmoil this fun event was causing. Let me paraphrase cowboy day: 

I don't want to wear those pants, but I like the vest. 

I like the hat, but not with my shirt. 

I can't wear that, but how can I tie the hat on? 

I am not wearing anything today! 

Seriously! How can I help him if he can't even decide what he wants!? 

Finally the weekend arrived. Our tradition since moving into this house has been to let the kids sleep together in one room on either Friday night or Saturday night. Since they slept in the same room until they came to live with us, we figured it was comforting. For about the last three months, D sabotages his chances every time. Tonight was no exception. After an hour of fits, bartering, going back and forth, and throwing his stuffed animals everywhere, I finally verbalized my observation. 

D (sobbing): I don't get to sleep in her room and they do! 

Me: I don't think you actually like sleeping in other places. 

D (sobbing subsiding): What? 

Me: I think you just like sleeping in your own bed by yourself. Have you ever noticed that you always end up in here? You are only happy when you are alone in your own room like normal? 

D (sniffle, sniffle): Yeah. 

Me: It's okay to not like things being different. You can always sleep in your own bed. You don't have to sleep with your brother and sister or let them sleep with you. It doesn't mean anything bad. It just means you like things to be the same everyday. 

D: Oh. Okay. 

And he was asleep in five minutes. 

PTSD affects every part of my son's life. Even if he wants to enjoy something, the stress of being out of routine sucks all the fun right out of it. I hope we can give him strategies to be able to cope with his past trauma and the lasting effects. I pray every day for him to continue healing and feel better. For now, we stick with routines and remind him we love him not matter what - good days and bad. 

PTSD and Vacation

I am not an expert in trauma or PTSD. In fact, I really only started caring about it last spring when I discovered the depth of 6-year-old's trauma during a birthday party . We have been pretty 'incident free" since then. Yes, trauma affects my child's behaviors and thought processes, but we haven't had any major incidents since last June…until yesterday.

Spring break is here, and my in-laws offered to take my kiddos for for four days so I could pack the house for our upcoming move to the big house. The kids would get to see their uncle and have some special experiences with the in-laws while I pack the house and take care of some appointments that are difficult to schedule when I am working. Knowing the kids get nervous about "new things," we explained that they would be on vacation with the grandparents for four days, and then return home. Immediately my oldest said he didn't want to leave me because I might be lonely, and I shouldn't have to pack everything myself. This was a warning sign that I didn't pick up on.

Flash forward to yesterday. At lunch time, my phone had several messages on it from school and my husband. My son had an earache and needed to come home. My husband would pick him up and take him to work with him. Upon pickup, my son lost it. He sobbed and screamed, unable to explain the problem. His "earache" turned out to be a bleeding ear from him scratching it raw. My husband is very calm and patient, and he was able to get my son calmed down. They called me, and I asked some questions, discovering that he was very concerned about going away. In his mind, he was moving to his grandparents' house, and would no longer have any parents. He began hyperventilating and sobbing again, so my husband brought him home and called me again. I decided that, although my son wasn't sick, he really was sick. I went home for the day.

By the time I arrived home, my husband and son were settled nicely. He was ready to eat lunch and play. We decided he needed to go back to school….and he needed to stay with us. So, I did what any mother of a child with PTSD would do; I called the school to see if I could stay there the rest of the day with him. They made a nice table in the hallway for me to do work while he returned to his first-grade classroom. About every 15 minutes, he found a reason to come out and check in with me. This continued for three hours. I started to feel a bit paranoid, surely all of the paras and teachers thought I was overprotective and a bit crazy.

The day ended without incident, and my children and I got into our car to head home. I always drive with the windows down when we leave school so that I can hear what is going on around me in addition to looking out for little ones running around. As we got to the crosswalk, a teacher approached my window and said, "You are a wonderful mother." I was quite surprised and stammered something like, "I…I just felt he needed me here today." She nodded her head and repeated, "You are a wonderful mother." At that moment, I realized that my paranoia and worry about what others think will never keep me from supporting and comforting my son. Even if other people think PTSD is an excuse, I know that I am doing what is best.

Will he decide to go on vacation or to stay home with me? I don't know, but I am okay with whatever he decides.

Dance Pictures

I knew it was going to be a stressful experience for my daughter. I had prepared her for the posing and the photographer, but I didn't know exactly what things would be like since I hadn't brought a child to take dance pictures before. When we arrived, she immediately started getting upset. We had to walk past a handful of strangers and then into a room where 15 or so teenagers were changing their costumes. My daughter changed into her costume and moved closer and closer to me as her anxiety grew. She wouldn't speak to her friends or their moms. When it was time for pictures, I had to walk her down the stairs, and attempted to pry her off my leg. She wouldn't budge. The mom that was in charge of pictures asked the dance teacher if I should come in with my daughter. Maybe she would make it okay if I was in the room with her, right?

As each of the cherubs took their pictures in their charming Belle tutus, tears silently rolled down my daughter's cheeks. With each advance toward the photographer, her tears increased in size and frequency. Finally it was her turn. The photographer could tell she was upset, so he asked me to walk her to her position. The dance teacher peeled her off of my leg, and I backed up next to the photographer. I watched my daughter turn into her teacher's arms and heard her begin to cry. They made funny faces; I waved; everyone tried to get her to relax and take a picture. After what seemed like forever, I had to remove myself because I beginning to cry as well. I felt embarrassed, saddened, and worried. Then I realized that making my daughter stand in front of a room full of people, terrified and sobbing, was a ridiculous idea. I walked to the photographer and announced that it was enough. We were finished. I held my daughter and comforted her, my five-year-old going on fourteen who had come so far since last year.

We watched as her class took some great pictures together, and I hoped that she realized photographers don't hurt people. I knew we still had to make our way back to the changing area, passing many people, and I wished that I had brought all of her stuff with me when we went to take the pictures. Just as it was time to leave, her teacher approached me. I apologized for the meltdown and reminded her that my daughter's anxiety might just prevent her participation in the recital next month. The teacher's face morphed into a look of pity, and then she quietly proceeded to inform me that I was the problem. My daughter would be fine if I hadn't worried about it. I was shocked. I numbly got my daughter changed and started driving home.

By the time I reached my home, my shock had turned to anger. I realize I have the tendency to be overprotective of my children, but my daughter was truly terrified. Her previous life experiences included trauma that leads to anxiety in new situations or places in which there are lots of people. This situation was both of those things. I did not create my daughter's trauma, and I certainly don't perpetuate it. In fact, my husband and I have worked very hard to help her come out of her shell and make great progress. Besides making me feel ashamed for my parenting skills and the behavior of my daughter, her teacher demonstrated to me just how uninformed people are about the realities of how trauma affects children's brains. My daughter was not embarrassed or shy or something like that; she was terrified. Her teacher knows my daughter's background, but she doesn't understand the implications. As much as I would like to think we have settled into being a "normal" family, there are some things that will be unique to us and incomprehensible for people outside of this type of experience.

What did I learn from this experience? I need to trust my instincts. Once it is clear my daughter is not ready for something, I need to be her advocate. I wouldn't make a child who suffers from PTSD because of a near-drowning experience swim in the deep end unaided; why would I expect a child who suffered trauma and is fearful of strangers to enjoy smiling in front of 30 people? Next time, I will be prepared to push my child to try new things but never to push until she breaks. She cried for one and a half hours that day, and it was 100% preventable.

A Birthday Bash(ed)

So today was a pretty great day overall. We took the kids to the library to try out the "literacy stations." It was pretty wonderful! They played very nicely, checked out some books, and then left without incident. We were impressed! Having had other kiddos before, we were sure someone would be disappointed when time was up on the computer. We just knew someone would have a major meltdown, but we were wrong! Then we came back, took a rest, and I got ready to take my 6 year old to his first friend birthday party. I figured this was destined to be a disaster, ending in tears over not getting presents, having to leave, or something of the like. I was prepared for a meltdown.

Did I mention it was a water themed birthday party? Squirt guns, water balloons, and hoses. How fun for a group of boys! Upon arrival, my kiddo was a bit slow to warm up. He was acting distant and sulky. I played with him a bit and tried to get him engaged with the others. This is a kid who is normally Mr. Gregarious! What was going on? He started to skirt the perimeter, and I know something was seriously wrong. Being a loving mother, I called him to sit on my lap. I talked with him calmly to try to figure out what the problem was.

And then it happened. Someone popped a huge water balloon right in our faces. BOOM! It was all over. Yep, I forgot that my child is terrified of balloons. Water balloons? Apparently. The balloons in the yard to mark the location? Yep. The balloons tied to the chair I was now sitting in? Yessireee. He went into a fetal position on my lap and covered his ears. I tried to talk to him. Not happening. I brought him in the house and coaxed his hands away from his ears. I talked calmly to him, explaining I was sad that he was scared and that I would be happy to take him home and do something else fun if he was scared. The birthday boy's mom offered for him to come back another time. We made it clear we were not angry; we just wanted him to be happy. But then she mentioned cake. What kid is going to leave when cake is an option? So he decided to stick it out.

As the other kids sang "Happy Birthday," my son was covering his face mumbling, "I am scared. I am angry. I am frustrated." He was clearly still very upset. So, I did what any good mother-of-a-foster-adopt-child-who-has-been-through-trauma-and-sensory-issues would do. I decided to make the choice for my son. I decided we were going to leave. I told him he was not in trouble, but that I wanted him to feel happy and safe, so we were going to go home. He lost it.

We went to the car, and I tried to reason with him. I asked if he wanted to calm down so he could try the cake again. Nope, still scared. I asked if he wanted to go home. Nope, want cake. I drove home. He screamed all the way home that I was being mean. I continued to ask if he wanted to go back to the balloon party. No way, but he didn't want to go home. He wanted an impossible solution. I wanted it all over. I drove the worst 10 minutes of my life, and arrived home frazzled. At one point, sadly, I yelled at him. Not a you-are-being-naughty-and-I've-had-enough-of-this kind of yell. A I-love-you-so-much-that-I-am-taking-you-home-so-you-are-safe-and-can-do-something-fun kind of yell. Does that make it any better???? No, I don't think it does.

When we arrived home, I yelled for back up. My husband spent several minutes calming him down from his near-hyperventilation state. He explained everything that I had tried to rationalize with him while he was freaking out, and my amazing son apologized for his behavior. I told him there was nothing for him to apologize for because he was scared and not thinking. I explained that my job as his mom is to keep him safe, and that I had to make a decision to keep him safe, even if he didn't like it. It was a rough experience for both of us, but I think we learned something from each other.

Then we went in the backyard and played in the pool. What else can you do? His behavior was irrational, as was his fear. I can't punish something that he couldn't control. I can try to help him learn. I can ask his therapist for advice. I can avoid balloons. I can apologize for yelling. I can love him even when his behavior is soooo different than other kids his age.There it is. His first birthday party - bashed.

3 days!

We meet our kids in THREE days! We are as ready as we could possibly be to welcome home three kids we have never met. We have everything assembled, cleaned, and organized. We have visited schools, made appointments, and planned for our absences from work.

As I was cleaning some things, I found my journal entries from my first pregnancy. I was shocked at how "quickly" I have forgotten the terrible pain of our loss. We were so excited, and a bit worried, until our 8 week appointment. Then we felt reassured that everything was perfect. We were back to pure joy and imagining the future. I don't have any entries that are not happy (what happened to the ones after we found out that the baby had died??). It just is like a frozen frame of two people, in love, waiting for the birth of their first child. I cried when I read it. It just seems so unfair that a special time like that was taken from us. I really had forgotten how life felt before all the bad news started. I haven't really thought about the trauma of it all in quite some time. I thought about sharing the pages with my husband, but I figured they would have no positive effect on his day, so I will file them away in a different hidden corner. It's okay that I forget those feelings and focus on the feelings of now.

THREE DAYS UNTIL FOREVER FAMILY! We are super excited! We are praying for a smooth transition and lots of happy memories :)