Resources for Adopted Children

The following is a list of resources that our family has found useful. We adopted a sibling group of three children under the age of six through foster care. Many of these resources focus on adoption and dealing with trauma, anxiety, and behavior difficulties. It is a list in progress!

• Tapestry Books – A website that states the following: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need.
•  Adoption is for Always by Linda Girard – a book to help children understand the permanency of adoption.
• God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren – a mother’s story about how God brought her forever family together.
• Welcome Home Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell – a book geared towards children who were adopted after infancy.  
• I Wished for You: An Adoption Story by Marianne R. Richmond – a good explanation of how adoptive families come together.
• A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza – Choco is trying to find his mother, who ends up being a different species of animal.  
• A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret Holmes – an excellent book for children who have experienced any traumatic event.
• Todd Parr is a prolific author with a very unique illustration style. His books cover many emotional topics including being different, making mistakes, and being adopted.  
• What to do When You’re Scared or Worried: A Guide for Kids by James J. Crist
• What to do When It’s Not Fair: A Kid’s Guide to Handling Envy and Jealousy by Jacqueline B. Toner and Claire A. B. Freeland – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When Your Temper Flares: A Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger by Dawn Heubner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Worry Too Much: A Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Problems with Sleep by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids an families

The Leash

Big D has been experimenting with attention-seeking behavior lately. He wants to see where I will draw the line. These behaviors usually only come up when Dad has been gone for a couple of days or Big D is feeling anxious. In the last six weeks, here are some of the behaviors he has tried out.

He was sitting with me one morning eating his breakfast while I got ready for work. This is not a normal mourning routine, but he was having a rough morning. He was trying to ruffle my feathers, but I held my cool. So he kept raising the stakes little by little: name-calling, sassing, pushing, and so on. Finally he threatened to touch my flat iron and then immediately followed through. Luckily it was only a minor burn on the very tip of one finger, but he spent several days upset over his own behavior.

The second incident was when he got angry and threatened to jump out of his window - on the second  floor of our old Victorian home. Since I was home alone and still freaked out by the flat iron incident, I nailed his window closed. Maybe not the best solution, but it was all I had at the time. At least it kept him safe.

Awhile later, we had an incident with a leash. He was playing nicely with his siblings, and then he came to me and said, "Look at my neck." Upon inspection, i correctly guessed that he had taken he leash and choked himself.  Neither of his siblings ever mentioned anything about it, but I was pretty upset.

Although he is not trying to hurt himself, I am concerned about his need for attention and for his exploration of self-harming behavior. Needless to say, we have had some extra therapy sessions and some interesting communication with school. I am very thankful we have such a network of support for ourselves and for our children. We haven't had an incident for a couple of weeks now, so I am hoping this phase is over.

Charging Our Batteries

After several weeks of difficult behaviors and unpredictable emotional outbursts, I was feeling pretty rundown, agitated, and, well, angry. I was tired of D ruining everyone's morning, afternoon, and evening with his outbursts, screaming, yelling, arguing, hitting, pushing, throwing, and intimidating. Consequences didn't work. Incentives didn't work. Therapy didn't provide relief. Family game night, Xbox night, and stations didn't work. Even our nanny had mentioned how challenging things had gotten for her in the 30 minutes she watched the kiddos after school. Everyone was constantly on guard, ready to intervene at a moment's notice.

My husband had to work late, and I was supposed to do homework, supper, and baths. I decided to change the plan. The weather had been cold and yucky for a few weeks, so we couldn't go outside. What could we do instead? Well, we did homework and then watched a movie, at supper, and then watched a second movie. I was kind of embarrassed and horrified that my children were spend three hours watching TV on a school night, but I was amazed at the result! My kids were just as run down and agitated as I was! We had a great evening together with no fighting, screaming, or physical aggression. We laughed at Alvin, Simon, and Theodore and their crazy antics. Everyone went to bed without fighting and woke up the next morning in a pleasant mood. After nearly two months of crazy schedules, holiday events, vacation, and lots of indoor recess, they just needed a night to charge their batteries!

I am making a note to self that kids need veg time too sometimes. Not once a day or once a week, but they need it just the same. When I look back, we have been on the go since about Thanksgiving! No wonder my older two said they felt angry and mean but didn't know why. Sometimes good parenting is not following the "good parent" guidelines - it is making exceptions and breaking rules. 

Sometimes we all need to charge.

Intervention Manual

I know I am not the first or the last parent to wish that their children came with a manual. This manual would have two main sections: Section 1: Health and Wellness; Section 2: Behavior & Discipline. I would pay big bucks for Section 2!

A few years ago, with the advent of RTI (Response to Intervention) rolling into schools, our school obtained a wonderful RTI Behavior Intervention Manual. It covered a wide array of problem behaviors such as cheating, fighting, and work avoidance. The behaviors were listed alphabetically for easy access, each behavior description included a list of possible motivations for that behavior as well as several interventions to try. For example:

Cheating

Possible Motivation: 

• lack of knowledge/skill
• did not complete work
• work avoidance
• worried about getting good grades 

Interventions: 

• test student's knowledge/skill level
• student conference to help determine motivation
• teacher or peer tutoring in the knowledge or skill area
• peer mentoring
• counseling sessions to work on testing anxiety

This isn't a great example, but it shows the general idea. 

I wish there was an intervention manual for parents. Not a book with theories or large programs. Just a manual, listed by topic. When one of your children displays a problem behavior like biting, using inappropriate language, or throwing food at the table, there would be a list of interventions to try. Not all consequences or strategies make sense for each behavior, so this would give parents some related, instructional interventions to help eliminate the behavior in the future. 

Who wouldn't love that? 

Conferences

I haven't had much to say lately. Quite honestly, things have been a bit of a struggle. But I think we are beginning to see the light again here. The turning point was probably attending the kids conferences this week. It was the first real set of parent teacher conferences we have attended. Hearing about the changes in our kids from 10 months ago when they arrived was seriously astounding. The boys' IEPs will have to be amended because they met their goals, and our daughter is doing wonderfully as well. Socially, physically, intellectually, and emotionally, they are doing so much better than when they arrived. Every day is a challenge, balancing discipline and love, dealing with tantrums and emotional baggage, and cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. Seeing my kids grow and develop in such amazing ways makes it all worth it though. Now I will continue taking it one day at a time.