Charging Our Batteries

After several weeks of difficult behaviors and unpredictable emotional outbursts, I was feeling pretty rundown, agitated, and, well, angry. I was tired of D ruining everyone's morning, afternoon, and evening with his outbursts, screaming, yelling, arguing, hitting, pushing, throwing, and intimidating. Consequences didn't work. Incentives didn't work. Therapy didn't provide relief. Family game night, Xbox night, and stations didn't work. Even our nanny had mentioned how challenging things had gotten for her in the 30 minutes she watched the kiddos after school. Everyone was constantly on guard, ready to intervene at a moment's notice.

My husband had to work late, and I was supposed to do homework, supper, and baths. I decided to change the plan. The weather had been cold and yucky for a few weeks, so we couldn't go outside. What could we do instead? Well, we did homework and then watched a movie, at supper, and then watched a second movie. I was kind of embarrassed and horrified that my children were spend three hours watching TV on a school night, but I was amazed at the result! My kids were just as run down and agitated as I was! We had a great evening together with no fighting, screaming, or physical aggression. We laughed at Alvin, Simon, and Theodore and their crazy antics. Everyone went to bed without fighting and woke up the next morning in a pleasant mood. After nearly two months of crazy schedules, holiday events, vacation, and lots of indoor recess, they just needed a night to charge their batteries!

I am making a note to self that kids need veg time too sometimes. Not once a day or once a week, but they need it just the same. When I look back, we have been on the go since about Thanksgiving! No wonder my older two said they felt angry and mean but didn't know why. Sometimes good parenting is not following the "good parent" guidelines - it is making exceptions and breaking rules. 

Sometimes we all need to charge.

Conferences

I haven't had much to say lately. Quite honestly, things have been a bit of a struggle. But I think we are beginning to see the light again here. The turning point was probably attending the kids conferences this week. It was the first real set of parent teacher conferences we have attended. Hearing about the changes in our kids from 10 months ago when they arrived was seriously astounding. The boys' IEPs will have to be amended because they met their goals, and our daughter is doing wonderfully as well. Socially, physically, intellectually, and emotionally, they are doing so much better than when they arrived. Every day is a challenge, balancing discipline and love, dealing with tantrums and emotional baggage, and cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. Seeing my kids grow and develop in such amazing ways makes it all worth it though. Now I will continue taking it one day at a time.

Discipline

I am the parent of two preschoolers and a first grader. I have known them for about nine months. I am a middle school special education teacher, and my husband is a college coach. I am home evenings and weekends, and he is usually gone those times. What this means is that I am a single parent about half the time, and sometimes I run out of patience.

When I was on adoption leave, I had a lot of patience. I returned to work at the end of February, and I a  lot of patience. Just a few weeks until it was spring break, right? After spring break, I started to lose some patience. Then, in April, we got a puppy. Patience gone! Finally - summer vacation! Patience returned. We spent two glorious months together where I could use my great parenting techniques. Then I went back to work. The last month has been quite the struggle. As we all are struggling to figure out our new normal, Daddy and I have been cranky, impatient, and have become yellers. Not the kind of parenting I want to be doing. 

This weekend Daddy left for his first recruiting trip. I was so scared to be alone with them because I didn't want to yell or be angry. So I decided to refresh my Love & Logic skills. Thank God for You Tube! Then I even purchased a book with a gift card I had for my birthday! In no time at all, I had my patience back! 

Did my kids notice? YES! My six year old had really learned how to push my buttons over the last few months, but he quickly discovered that I wouldn't be pulled into power struggles anymore! His first time out lasted 37 minutes. He tried everything to get a rise out of me: throwing toys, spitting, yelling mean things...and he finally gave up. His second time out lasted 18 minutes. How long was his third time out? 6 minutes. And he only needed gentle reminders after that. Whoa! That left me LOTS more time to love my kids this weekend! 

Seriously, I think it is saving my relationship with my children. It is an adjustment for me because sometimes they aren't "punished" for their behavior. Is discipline really about punishment and consequences, or it is about teaching kids how to behave and understand boundaries in a loving way? My idea of discipline had definitely turned into a completely different idea than how I started this parenting thing. I am thankful Jim Fay, Foster Cline, and Charles Fay were able to remind me of my parenting ideals and bring some joy back into my parenting. 

Tonight we had a small problem before bedtime. My eldest had to go to bed before the others. He was angry. He threw his animal off his bed, but he didn't throw his blankets because he was sad without them last night. He did say some mean things and tried to argue, but when I said, "I love you too much to argue sweetie," he replied, "I love you too." When I asked if he needed a hug, I got a hug and a kiss. His consequence of no stuffed animals stands, but he apologized (unprompted) and said he loved me. Then he told me where he had stuffed a couple more animals in anger. I love my kids!