Visit

We spent an hour today visiting with our little buddy at McDonald's. It was pretty difficult. When I saw him, I just wanted to hug him and hold him and be his mommy again. Instead, I asked questions and played the role of a teacher/mentor. His speech is regressing, and I imagine his reading is as well. It's hard. We watched him frolicking (for real) in the play place, and try to be brave enough to go the very top. I was very proud of him. I asked him when he got his hair cut, and he replied with, "Um....a few days back." That made me smile. What a funny little boy. What five year old talks like that? He asked about his kindergarten teacher, and whether or not we could go visit some of our friends and family. We had to explain that we probably wouldn't be doing that when we visited with him because the visits won't be very long. Heartbreaking. Anyway, it was definitely a time of mixed emotions.

So we came home and my hubby put up a photo wall. I have been asking him to put up the photos for about three weeks, but I guess a five day weekend and the emotions of the afternoon helped out. Now I can see my kids from any of the living spaces in our home.We also set up all of our Christmas decorations. Stockings for the kids are in the mail from a good friend (super excited to see them!), but everything else is set up and ready to go. Now we wait again. What a special holiday season this will be!

Going Home...Coming Home

The first child my husband and I ever parented has gone home to his biological family. The two weeks leading up to yesterday were quite horrible. Stress, tears, and tantrums while still trying to make some great memories. When we first talked about this day as kind of a vague idea, we told our worker that she should just come pick him up one day and not tell us when it would be - that way we wouldn't have to dread a day for weeks before it came. Obviously that is not how it worked. We did make a few more wonderful memories, and we have a plan to see him again in a couple of weeks. It will be hard, but we want him to know that he will always be in our hearts.

Now we turn our full attention to welcoming our children home. I have organized their clothes and toys, and started some full-fledged "nesting." Next weekend I am making some crafts for in their bedrooms as well as the bathroom. I am also going to make them each a fleece tie blanket. Gives me something to do while I wait.

Today is a relatively good day. Busy and full of looking ahead. I am sure there are quite a few more down days as I mourn this vast loss and pine for new beginnings.

Decisions

After my last post, my little buddy prayed this: "Dear God, if I can only have one thing, please let me live with my grandma." I guess we are not the only ones with broken hearts in this home. The next day, we were told that he could do just that, so I guess God has answered all of our prayers and helped us to make our decision. It is impossibly difficult to think about losing the first child to call us Mom and Dad, and I know that we will always have a hole in our lives that would be perfectly filled by him, but we have faith that this is what is best for us all. Lots of tears to come, though. I don't regret becoming a foster parent and having to deal with struggles and pain, however, because that 10 months we have had to love on him have outweighed everything else.

We can now look forward to our forever family joining us soon. We don't have timelines for anything, but we are very hopeful for Thanksgiving. What a blessing that would be! I know I haven't met them yet, but I already love everything about them, even their struggles.