Unconditional Love

I listened to this wonderful program on NPR recently. It is about unconditional love and attachment. What an encouragement for my husband and I have been going through. This American Life: Unconditional Love explains a lot about what might be happening in our son's mind as he deals with his past and his future. It is a tragic story, but yet incredibly hopeful! Just listen and see!

Mommy Takes a Vacation

I took a vacation - alone. For the last few months, things have been pretty hard. Let's face it, things have been hard for a few years. I think it finally caught up with me. My family is my pride and joy, my reason for everything I do, but it is hard - a lot. About a month ago, my husband and I decided I needed a vacation without my family. So I went on a "retreat" to stay with a friend. I asked if I could hole up in her apartment for a few days with no commitments, no cooking, no laundry, no cleaning, and no expectations other than finishing a few projects.

Why not just have a night out with friends? Since December 24th of 2012, I have not had one day to myself. Seriously. By allowing my "bucket" to be so drained, I needed to take intense action to fill it back up. Everyone has an invisible bucket that is either being filled up by positive experiences or being dipped into when negative things occur. My bucket was nearly empty.

It wasn't easy. I had to leave my kids. I know that was kind of the point, but it was still hard. I have been the only person in their lives in the last year that they have seen every day. I even cried for the first three miles, deciding whether or not I should just cancel the trip and stay home with my family...but I forced myself to keep driving.

Was it worth it? Not only did I finish my projects, I had a great time with a friend and ventured to a movie. I ate popcorn until my stomach hurt and slept on a couch like I was in college. I feel rejuvenated and the best I have felt in several years. I will not let my bucket get so low again!

The First Thanksgiving

My oldest son's favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. So here we are, Thanksgiving 2013. Our first Thanksgiving as a family. We celebrated differently than I would have thought. We didn't have a huge dinner with lots of friends and family. Instead, we celebrated with just the five of us. We had a pretty good menu:

Turkey - big hit

Mashed potatoes - the kids avoided them like the plague

Stuffing - see mashed potatoes

Cranberries - enjoyable

Rolls - our daughter ate two

Corn - delicious

Sweet potatoes - our sons ate seconds

Sparkling cider - aka apple soda

Cheesecake - YUMMO! 

We had a good meal together, and the kids were excited, and it was a great time to reflect on how thankful we are to have them in our lives. 

Conferences

I haven't had much to say lately. Quite honestly, things have been a bit of a struggle. But I think we are beginning to see the light again here. The turning point was probably attending the kids conferences this week. It was the first real set of parent teacher conferences we have attended. Hearing about the changes in our kids from 10 months ago when they arrived was seriously astounding. The boys' IEPs will have to be amended because they met their goals, and our daughter is doing wonderfully as well. Socially, physically, intellectually, and emotionally, they are doing so much better than when they arrived. Every day is a challenge, balancing discipline and love, dealing with tantrums and emotional baggage, and cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. Seeing my kids grow and develop in such amazing ways makes it all worth it though. Now I will continue taking it one day at a time.

Loneliness

When you decide to do foster adoption of a sibling group, you know you are going to face challenges. I never dreamt the loneliness would be one of them. I am lonely. I have no one to talk to about everything that is going on. Yes, I read blogs and read books, but I have no one to discuss how it feels to suddenly have three kids 6 and under. The only other person I know who did this is my husband, and sometimes he isn't who I want to be talking to. I need a friend who can understand. My friends are very supportive, empathetic, loving, and helpful, but they can't truly understand. Just like I will never be able to understand giving birth and having a newborn, they cannot understand adopting three preschoolers from foster care. I knew this would be a difficult path, but I didn't anticipate the loneliness.

In Poor Taste

Sometimes I wonder if I am too sensitive. Well, I know I am too sensitive, but sometimes I wonder if I am offended for good reason or not. For example, a relative posted this as their Facebook status today:

Well IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!! I have some AMAZING but at the same time shocking news! I'M EXPECTING!!!!! A little under 15 weeks and counting! I know, I'm shocked too. I can hardly believe it myself. I wasn't going to post it (on Facebook) but since y'all are my family and friends, I wanted to make it official. I'm too overwhelmed to keep it a secret!!! Who would have guessed that me of all people would be expecting again!! But I am!! I am expecting Santa in just 15 weeks! Repost if you have a sense of humor. Lets see how many people read the whole status. That's why it's good to read the whole story before you go run & gossip!!!

As I said, I know I am overly sensitive, but there are many people who have been unable to have kids, have lost a child after birth, or have lost a child while pregnant. I find this offensive and not funny. It isn't a joke to pretend you are pregnant. I find posts like this to be in poor taste. I hope I have never done something offensive like this. 

Now the question is, do I tell my relative how posts like this are VERY hurtful to people like me? Or do I drop it? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I feel like she should know. 

Discipline

I am the parent of two preschoolers and a first grader. I have known them for about nine months. I am a middle school special education teacher, and my husband is a college coach. I am home evenings and weekends, and he is usually gone those times. What this means is that I am a single parent about half the time, and sometimes I run out of patience.

When I was on adoption leave, I had a lot of patience. I returned to work at the end of February, and I a  lot of patience. Just a few weeks until it was spring break, right? After spring break, I started to lose some patience. Then, in April, we got a puppy. Patience gone! Finally - summer vacation! Patience returned. We spent two glorious months together where I could use my great parenting techniques. Then I went back to work. The last month has been quite the struggle. As we all are struggling to figure out our new normal, Daddy and I have been cranky, impatient, and have become yellers. Not the kind of parenting I want to be doing. 

This weekend Daddy left for his first recruiting trip. I was so scared to be alone with them because I didn't want to yell or be angry. So I decided to refresh my Love & Logic skills. Thank God for You Tube! Then I even purchased a book with a gift card I had for my birthday! In no time at all, I had my patience back! 

Did my kids notice? YES! My six year old had really learned how to push my buttons over the last few months, but he quickly discovered that I wouldn't be pulled into power struggles anymore! His first time out lasted 37 minutes. He tried everything to get a rise out of me: throwing toys, spitting, yelling mean things...and he finally gave up. His second time out lasted 18 minutes. How long was his third time out? 6 minutes. And he only needed gentle reminders after that. Whoa! That left me LOTS more time to love my kids this weekend! 

Seriously, I think it is saving my relationship with my children. It is an adjustment for me because sometimes they aren't "punished" for their behavior. Is discipline really about punishment and consequences, or it is about teaching kids how to behave and understand boundaries in a loving way? My idea of discipline had definitely turned into a completely different idea than how I started this parenting thing. I am thankful Jim Fay, Foster Cline, and Charles Fay were able to remind me of my parenting ideals and bring some joy back into my parenting. 

Tonight we had a small problem before bedtime. My eldest had to go to bed before the others. He was angry. He threw his animal off his bed, but he didn't throw his blankets because he was sad without them last night. He did say some mean things and tried to argue, but when I said, "I love you too much to argue sweetie," he replied, "I love you too." When I asked if he needed a hug, I got a hug and a kiss. His consequence of no stuffed animals stands, but he apologized (unprompted) and said he loved me. Then he told me where he had stuffed a couple more animals in anger. I love my kids! 

Soccer Mom

Today was the day I became a soccer mom - minus the minivan. I still drive my Prius. And I hire a babysitter to help me. Maybe that is a little unorthodox, but it is what I need to do to survive. Here was my morning:

6:00 Wake up, take care of the dog, get ready
7:00 Feed kids and eat breakfast
7:30 Dress kids, brush teeth, do hair
8:00 Load car
8:15 Soccer game for my 3 year old. Here is what I have to say about that. He doesn't understand the rules or listen to his coach, but he does run after the ball the entire time. That makes him about the 4th best player on the team! Lol. Some kids just cry, stand there, or go sit on the sidelines.
9:15 Soccer game for my 6 year old. The kids actually understand what is going on, so it is pretty fun.
10:30 Come home and start lunch.

Whew! It was a good thing I had my babysitter from 8:30-10:30 because my daughter was sure glad to have someone to play with! I am impressed by all the other moms who can take three young kiddos in public alone. Maybe someday I will be that kind of a soccer mom. And maybe I will even get a minivan...maybe those new ones with the built in vacuums! Why did it take so long for that to be invented??

The Minority

My husband and I spend a lot of time on a college campus because of his job. We see lots of minorities.  My kids also attend head start and the elementary school in town that has the most diversity in it. It kind of skews our view of our community. Sometimes, however, we see very clearly that my kids are in the 5% of the community that is not white. Our daughter goes to dance class in a nearby community that is made up almost exclusively of Mennonites. My daughter is literally the only child with brown hair - no joke. They are all blondes except for the one redhead. I wonder if any of the kids notice. I wonder if any of the parents notice. I wonder if anyone else wonders. Today my boys started soccer - that is a little bit better. At least 2 or 3 kids on each team are minorities, so my kiddos only stand out because they are tiny, not because of their race. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the kids' head start classes are filled with lots of ethnicities - in fact, my daughter has only one white child in her class. Interesting, isn't it?

Shoes

Our little one wears orthotics. His ankles are turned in, and his fleet are incredibly flat and wide, so he came to us with special shoes and orthotics...and, in an unsurprising fashion, no paperwork about it all.

Well, he finally outgrew his "shoes from the doctor," so I bought a new pair of shoes from the store and tried to put his orthotics in them. Fail. Then I bought a better, more expensive pair of shoes online. Fail. So I took him to the local shoe store. We live in a small town. There is one shoe store - literally, and I just imagine the shoes will be ridiculously expensive. When we went in, we found out he had grown TWO shoe sizes since he has arrived! I guess that goes along with the TWO inches he grew over the summer (from April to August). Whoa. That would be why the next size up wasn't cutting it.

The salesman was VERY knowledgable about feet and shoes. He explained the foot thing (it is hereditary), the orthotics, where I will need to go to buy new ones someday, and how to buy shoes that will fit my kiddo well. It was great! So I called my husband to have him bring the other two down - just to make sure they were wearing the right sizes and didn't have any special foot needs. Thankfully they were in good shape. Another adventure!

Faith?

I have always been a worrier. I remember that when I started reading the Bible on my own (in middle school sometime), I immediately "claimed" verses that talk about anxiety, worry, and fear as my theme verses for my life. From 2010-2013, I experienced a lot of true heartache and toxic stress. I never lost my faith, but I was angry and bitter at times. I had to grieve. One night right before Thanksgiving of this year, I broke down and wept about my lack of trust, the amazing blessings I have, and how thankful I am for my journey. I vowed never to lose trust in God's plan - all the waiting was very worth finding my three kiddos.

Fast forward a few months. Here I am facing some extreme difficulties again (this time financial), and I am back to toxic stress. Yes, I know that no matter what happens, God will provide. We have a savings. We are both employed. We all have good insurance. I know that this too shall pass, so why do I still spend energy fretting? Does that reflect a lack of faith? If I say I know God will take care of us but I still worry, am I revealing that I really only trust when things are going well?

I began spending more time reading God's word over the summer (I hope to keep it up when I return to work next week), and I read story after story and promise after promise that God makes. I feel like I am being reminded that I am truly blessed beyond my wildest imagination and greatest dream. I love my family, job, friends, family, and I have enough. I will make it through whatever comes my way, and I just need to let go of the worrying. It ruins my day.

I will always be your mother

Yesterday I posted about our exciting adoption finalization. I wanted to highlight all of the excitement and memories we will have forever! I forgot to mention the low point of the day. We invited the foster family that the kiddos had lived with for two years, and the kids loved seeing their foster mother and her kids. It was a great time of hugs and playing, but it was tarnished by the mom's behavior. Upon seeing her, the kids shouted her name and ran to greet her (except my daughter who was NOT interested in reconnecting). When she pulled them in for a hug, she very sternly said, "You do not call me by my name. You can me mom. I will always be your mother, and you will ALWAYS call me mom." Huh?!?!?!

First of all, I am a foster mother. I have foster three kiddos, who I have seen after they have moved on (either back with parents or with another relative). I never told a child to call me mom, and I definitely tried to keep the confusion to a minimum by helping them understand that I would always love them and be their foster mom, but that I didn't expect or want them to continue calling me mom when they left. In the photo album, we labeled everything with our names. One mother asked if the kids could call us "Aunt and Uncle." We told her they could call us whatever she thought was best. Yes, it was hard, especially with the kiddo we had for a year, but that is how fostering goes.

What bothers me the most, though, was how confusing that was for our kids! They have already lost their biological parents, gone through several sets of foster parents, and transitioned to our home. I am sure they were confused and emotional anyhow because of the finalization and seeing their foster family again. Why would she EVER say that they have to call her mom, especially ten minutes before their finalization?

Now, I tend to be a bit sensitive, especially if it comes to my children, but I feel like this was way across the line. I actually feel like talking to the worker and explaining why the kids may have limited contact with her for a bit. Lots to think about. I know it is food for the kiddos to have connections, but not if those connections are adding confusion and pain, right?

Finalized!

We started the foster care and adoption process in January of 2011. We found our forever on May 22, 2012, and the finalization took place on July 5, 2013. Seems like forever and yet just yesterday that this all began. What a journey!

We arrived at the finalization after a LONG morning. We had checked out of the hotel, daddy got a haircut, we stopped for lunch at Chick Fil A (where there was an e coli breakout so we couldn't have fountain drinks or ice), and we had played at a playground. We were hot, dirty, and happy :)

I went into the building first to try to figure out the room number and so on. I didn't make it past security - apparently you can't have tweezers or nail files. When I got back outside, the kids' worker was there, so we all went in together with her. We had a few friends join us as well as the kids' foster family. It was kind of a zoo while we waited with all six kiddos before going into the courtroom, but everyone settled in when we entered the courtroom.

It was the judges first week on the job, so we were only his second finalization. The GAL stood up and said something like, "This family won us over when they told us that they knew this kids were theirs when they saw them online. They just needed to figure out how to get them. We all had tears in our eyes, and this is the happiest adoption we have ever been a part of." Well, that started it off with some tears, but once the formal stuff began, it moved right along. Little Bitty sat on Dad, raised his right hand, and also agreed to adopt all three kiddos. Lol. My daughter sat on my lap and took it all in, and my big boy corrected the judge when he mispronounced our last name. I also had to stop the judge when he referred to my little two as twins. It was a little bit different than I had imagined. Afterwards the judge gave each kid a bear, and we took some pictures. Then we happily drove off to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate. It was a great day!

A Birthday Bash(ed)

So today was a pretty great day overall. We took the kids to the library to try out the "literacy stations." It was pretty wonderful! They played very nicely, checked out some books, and then left without incident. We were impressed! Having had other kiddos before, we were sure someone would be disappointed when time was up on the computer. We just knew someone would have a major meltdown, but we were wrong! Then we came back, took a rest, and I got ready to take my 6 year old to his first friend birthday party. I figured this was destined to be a disaster, ending in tears over not getting presents, having to leave, or something of the like. I was prepared for a meltdown.

Did I mention it was a water themed birthday party? Squirt guns, water balloons, and hoses. How fun for a group of boys! Upon arrival, my kiddo was a bit slow to warm up. He was acting distant and sulky. I played with him a bit and tried to get him engaged with the others. This is a kid who is normally Mr. Gregarious! What was going on? He started to skirt the perimeter, and I know something was seriously wrong. Being a loving mother, I called him to sit on my lap. I talked with him calmly to try to figure out what the problem was.

And then it happened. Someone popped a huge water balloon right in our faces. BOOM! It was all over. Yep, I forgot that my child is terrified of balloons. Water balloons? Apparently. The balloons in the yard to mark the location? Yep. The balloons tied to the chair I was now sitting in? Yessireee. He went into a fetal position on my lap and covered his ears. I tried to talk to him. Not happening. I brought him in the house and coaxed his hands away from his ears. I talked calmly to him, explaining I was sad that he was scared and that I would be happy to take him home and do something else fun if he was scared. The birthday boy's mom offered for him to come back another time. We made it clear we were not angry; we just wanted him to be happy. But then she mentioned cake. What kid is going to leave when cake is an option? So he decided to stick it out.

As the other kids sang "Happy Birthday," my son was covering his face mumbling, "I am scared. I am angry. I am frustrated." He was clearly still very upset. So, I did what any good mother-of-a-foster-adopt-child-who-has-been-through-trauma-and-sensory-issues would do. I decided to make the choice for my son. I decided we were going to leave. I told him he was not in trouble, but that I wanted him to feel happy and safe, so we were going to go home. He lost it.

We went to the car, and I tried to reason with him. I asked if he wanted to calm down so he could try the cake again. Nope, still scared. I asked if he wanted to go home. Nope, want cake. I drove home. He screamed all the way home that I was being mean. I continued to ask if he wanted to go back to the balloon party. No way, but he didn't want to go home. He wanted an impossible solution. I wanted it all over. I drove the worst 10 minutes of my life, and arrived home frazzled. At one point, sadly, I yelled at him. Not a you-are-being-naughty-and-I've-had-enough-of-this kind of yell. A I-love-you-so-much-that-I-am-taking-you-home-so-you-are-safe-and-can-do-something-fun kind of yell. Does that make it any better???? No, I don't think it does.

When we arrived home, I yelled for back up. My husband spent several minutes calming him down from his near-hyperventilation state. He explained everything that I had tried to rationalize with him while he was freaking out, and my amazing son apologized for his behavior. I told him there was nothing for him to apologize for because he was scared and not thinking. I explained that my job as his mom is to keep him safe, and that I had to make a decision to keep him safe, even if he didn't like it. It was a rough experience for both of us, but I think we learned something from each other.

Then we went in the backyard and played in the pool. What else can you do? His behavior was irrational, as was his fear. I can't punish something that he couldn't control. I can try to help him learn. I can ask his therapist for advice. I can avoid balloons. I can apologize for yelling. I can love him even when his behavior is soooo different than other kids his age.There it is. His first birthday party - bashed.

Summer changes

It seems our lives are made up of changes, whether good or bad. Everyone finished school this last week - Mom, Dad, and kiddos.Next year we will have a 3 year old preschooler, a 4 year old preschooler, and a 1st grader! I hired a tutor for the summer to work with the oldest; he has come so far this year, we want to make sure he doesn't lose a lot of his knowledge over the summer. We also have a plan for how our days will be spent: reading, coloring, cooking, bike rides, swing set, parks, swimming, library programs, Vacation Bible School, and more! We tried not to do more than one "out of the house" thing a day so that we are going to learn how to spend time together with the six of us (we now include the puppy in our family number). We have a few field trips planned to zoos and things. It should be pretty great!

We received our finalization date. It is July 5th. I know lots of people have special parties on this day or celebrate it every year as another special date. We hadn't really been that type of people. We were most excited about the day we got them, and we figured that the finalization was just kind of a technicality. Well, after having the kiddos for almost 5 months now, knowing we were going to get them for 5 months before that, and seeing them on the waiting list 3 months before that, it is a much bigger deal that I thought it would be. As I put the date on our calendar, I teared up. Oh great! How am I supposed to go there and make it though the whole thing if I can't even write it down!?!?!

The last big change for the summer is that I got a new job last week! I had been commuting 30 minutes to work. I enjoyed teaching elementary, and I loved my coworkers, but I hated being on a different schedule than my family, leaving the house BY 6:45, and not being more available. The job I applied for was high school math; something I have never done but am "qualified" to do. It was a long shot, but I was encouraged to just be open to anything. After I interviewed, I was told about a middle school position. Middle school! That is my first love! I was offered the middle school position last week, and I have been so excited! It is a little different than anything I have done before. I will be a special education teacher (yes, I will have to go back to school), working solely in math. Four periods a day will be co-teaching, 2 period of planning/PLC time, and two periods of resource math. I will have a caseload of about 15 kids or less. I am so excited! I know there will be challenges, but I think this truly is the job I am meant to have! I went in yesterday to meet the math team, SPED team, and my "penthouse" floormates (we are on the top floor, so they refer to it as the penthouse). I felt so at home! Today I get to move into my classroom. Next week is a meeting with my SPED partner, and then some meetings with my co-teacher. This is a great opportunity, and I am THRILLED about the change.

What will I do with my extra "hour" a day? I am hoping to spend 30 minutes sleeping and 30 minutes exercising....how did I do today? I spent my exercising time blogging...I guess there is always tomorrow!

6 years old

My son is going to be SIX years old tomorrow! I have only been a mom for four months! How can I have a six year old?

Well, we started the party today :) We went bowling and out for pizza with a couple of friends. It was a good time, and it was the first time they had bowled. I loved taking them to do something new.

We have given A LOT of thought to what birthday traditions we would like to have for our family, but we haven't asked the kiddos what they would like to see as part of our traditions. Seems like maybe we should do that tomorrow...this isn't about the kids doing what WE want to do for celebrations and traditions. We are blending a family together and taking the best parts of both families to create this forever family.

Mother's Day

I have a love-hate relationship with Mother's Day. Sometime after a couple years of marriage, I started hating Mother's Day. No, I had not wanted to have a baby or had a miscarriage or anything by then, but it starting stirring negative emotions. I always felt like there were hidden messages like:

If you don't have a child yet, you haven't found your life's meaning. 

Good mothers don't work. God designed moms to be home with their children for as long as possible...maybe forever. 

In 2010, the first strongly hated Mother's Day rolled around. We had recently decided we wanted to have a child. Although we didn't know it, I was pregnant then. I actually skipped church because I didn't want to sit there hearing about how wonderful mothers are. Since we lost that pregnancy...and then a second one... before the next Mother's Day, well you can imagine that I didn't like the holiday any more the next year. We had actually just found out we would be moving to another state, so we spent that weekend looking for a place to live and hiding out in a hotel. It worked out quite well :) Avoidance is probably my favorite way to deal with hard truths.

Mother's Day of 2012 was a totally different experience. I both loved and hated Mother's Day. We were foster parents and had three kids at the time. We were finally "parents." I did receive a couple of Mother's Day gifts, included a very thoughtful family tree picture decoration from my mother in which we could hang wallets of all the children we might foster over the years. My husband and foster kiddos made a hand print collage that brought great sobs through my body. They were sobs of mixed emotions. I was overwhelmed and blessed that we got to parent those three foster kiddos and were now truly parents. I was grieving the loss of my two babies we never got to meet. I was deeply saddened as we were beginning the countdown for the two little kiddos to return home in a few weeks. I was hopeful that we would be able to adopt the oldest child, who had been with us since November - maybe he would be a part of EVERY Mother's Day. I was grieving the loss of the dream of having kiddos the normal way - get pregnant and have the baby. No matter what was to happen in the future, biological or adopted children or both, we would never have the happy pregnancy dream that little girls imagine when they think of motherhood. It had been tainted. I was also anxious to find my forever family and be done with all the stress.

This weekend's Mother's Day had me crying already. I cannot say that I love Mother's Day because it will always probably make me feel someone inadequate for not being "normal." That is horrible to put into writing. Let me clarify. My husband and I have been told repeatedly that there is no reason we cannot have babies like everybody else. No drugs, no interventions, just the old fashioned way. We are choosing not to do that. We chose instead to find our forever family on a waiting child list. This is definitely not how most people become parents. And yet, those are not the tears I am shedding. I cried several times this morning as I was so overcome with gratitude. Three years ago we could not have imagined that we would be in this location, with this journey to parenting, and these jobs. Could not have imagined it. But here we are. And you know what? I love it. I love my town - not very exciting by the world's standard, but it is exactly what we needed for this family. We enjoy our jobs, and we are both doing what we love every day. Most of all, however, we love our family. I was thinking that my kids came into foster care the same time we found out we were pregnant. We waiting the same number of months to find each other. For me, three years is a long time. For them, three years is a lifetime. How can this really be what I have been blessed with? Three kids who love us unconditionally and overwhelmingly? Who don't question the fact that we were meant to be together? How can I not blubber like a fool?

I have already received my Mother's Day gift. Unlike last year, it was not sentimental or homemade, and that doesn't bother me. Last year, the kids we were parenting were just stop along our journey. They taught us a lot about ourselves and parenting, we loved them a lot, and we weren't meant to be their parents forever. We needed to take hand prints and memorize the creases because we wouldn't get to see them every day. This year, I received a bike tag-along (actually my husband uses it because its too hard for me, so I still use the bike stroller). We used it last night to go on a whole family bike ride to DQ. All five us on two bikes. Reminds me of a book, Bears on Wheels. But I digress. Anyway, it was a great gift. I will be able to use it all the time, spending time with what I love most. So maybe I do love Mother's Day?

A Puppy?

So apparently we are just plain crazy. Last week we adopted a 12 week old puppy (lab/retriever mix) that had been abandoned. Who wouldn't want to add in a puppy to this mix, right? We thought it would be good for each kiddo in their own way. My oldest craves love and attention, and a dog is truly man's best friend. He is able to love on that puppy and get loved on in return at any time of the day. My daughter doesn't like things that are unpredictable or loud, but the puppy definitely has worked her way into her heart. I think she might learn to go with the flow a bit more. My littlest has some muscle weakness and is supposed to play standing upright as much as possible. Have you ever tried to make a three year old stand and play?? Well, having a puppy chew on your head while you are playing on the floor sure helps to encourage you to stand up more :) (Don't worry, he wasn't frightened or in any serious danger). So now we have another child: another mouth to feed; another kid to potty train; another snuggler; another adorable bundle of joy to make us belly laugh until we hurt. What's one more member to a family, right? But seriously, six is now enough. Two parents, three kids, and a dog. We are closed!

Skype

Technology is a such a blessing! We are able to Skype with the kiddos foster parents, chat with new relatives they have yet to meet, and it's how we first "met" them! Skype has been very emotional for us all in the last few months. I cried for a long time, tears of pure joy, when I first Skyped with the kiddos. The kids also get pretty emotional when they Skype with their foster parents. I know they need this connection to the last two years of their lives, but it is difficult to deal with the aftermath. They fight over the attention, and they all end up crying at one time or another. So what to do?

Well, I think we have finally found a system that works though! Each child gets 5 minutes to talk to whatever "guest" we have on Skype. This ends up being a 15-20 minute conversation, which is about perfect. It prevents the fighting for attention, and, even though it is still emotional for the kids, no one ends up crying. It is wonderful to be able to keep a connection without having to sacrifice our sanity :) 

Birth mom and best mom

Wow! I missed the two month date, just like I missed the one month. I guess that means we are keeping busy. I survived ONE WHOLE week of work! This was my first week of work since the middle of December, so it was a bit tough to be away from the kids that long. Overall, the kids did much better than I thought they would. I expected lots of eczema flare ups, tears, and time-outs, but they didn't do too badly!

Recently my oldest child found out a teacher at his school is pregnant. He came home talking about babies in tummies and them sitting "criss-cross applesauce." I was not sure where it would all go. In fact, I was terrified. Especially when he began like this:

"Mommy, I wish that..."

I knew what was coming. He was going to say that he wished he was still with the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was going to be sad and feeling this horrible loss. I was going to try to be brave, not cry, and say something profound and understanding. 

"...I wish that I had been in your tummy."

Whoa. I was shocked. I did cry, but not for the reasons I thought I would, and I did say something intelligent like:

"You know what, I wish that too, but that isn't how it is. I'm sorry you are sad about that, but I think it is pretty great that I got to pick YOU to be my kid! Not every mom gets to do that!" 

Then we went home and read Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell.

After thinking about that for the last few days, I know that he and I both feel the same loss. We missed the first five and a half years together. We can't ever get that back, but we can have rest of the years to spend loving each other. I know there will be a day when he does wish that he was with his birth mom, but I am glad that, for now, he is so thankful for us. I will pray for wisdom when those tougher days come, I will be able to respond appropriately. I pray that I will empathize and validate his feelings while somehow showing him his security and love.

For now, I will settle for the fact that he likes to tell me that I am his "best" mommy. Not his birth mom, foster mom, real mom, or adoptive mom. I am his best mom. That's better than any other title.

Back to Work...Kind of

So I went back to work on Monday. I hadn't worked in eight weeks because I had two weeks of Christmas vacation and six weeks of adoption leave. I teach 6th graders. My husband is on a business trip for two weeks. Yep, it was definitely a tough week! The days were exhausting, I lost my voice, and I the blizzard sure didn't help. On the bright side, I only ended up working three and half days this week, report cards are done, and I have a four day week again this week. Well, maybe it will only be a three day week because we are supposed to have another blizzard...

Overall, I am feeling like the first week back went better for all of us than expected, and I am excited for next week. I was really worried that my kids would have some regression when I went back to work, but we seem to be going along about the same as we were before. I did forget to do homework with my child one night, but I think this week will be better. Thank God for answered prayers!

One Month

Yesterday was one month since we brought out kids home. That is almost unbelievable! What did we do before they were here? How did we spend our days? What kind of insane people were we to adopt children we had never met? How have I spent the last four weeks? What am I going to do with the next two weeks of leave, and how will I ever function when I go back to work?

I can honestly say that I am already beginning to forget what was like without them. I know we all have so much more adjusting to do, and we definitely haven't learned nearly everything about each other, we are a family that loves each other and is so thankful that we have been united.

When the kids first arrived, I was so worried about them adjusting to life here. They kept telling us about their house and beds and clothes and school. They were talking about all of the things from their past.  I just kept wondering when they would start to think of this life as their life. When would this be their home, teacher, clothes, beds? We are getting there. They know our routines, neighbors, and friends. They can recognize their house and recite their address. In five more months, when we finalize the adoption, I am sure we will feel like we have always been together. Don't misunderstand, we don't want them to forget. We have pictures, and we Skype with their foster family to make sure they remember. We do want them to think of this as their family and to know that these are their things.

I am so thankful for them -even when someone pees in their bed, gets a little sassy, or has a timeout at school. I love them, and I can't imagine life having been any different.

Honeymoon?

So the kids have been doing great! Besides my meltdown when I returned to work for a day, they have really been doing well with transitions, school, eating, sleeping, potty-training, and everything else. Yes, they test our boundaries like normal preschoolers. Yes, it is tough to suddenly have three kids vying for your attention. It's not like things are going perfectly here, but they are going really well. This leads lots of people to tell me that this is just the honeymoon and that things are bound to get worse. So here we are waiting for the bottom to fall out.

I thought yesterday was the day. Our kindergartener woke up with a fever, and the little two were testing boundaries all day. I thought this was the beginning of an unraveling. My daughter threw a fit at preschool for the teacher, and then threw a fit when I picked her up. She laid down on the sidewalk and screamed, refusing to leave unless I carried her. I am not very inclined to carry a four-year old, but I am even less inclined when I have two other kids to walk to the car. After all was said and done, we had a decent even, but she was quite cold towards me. I cried before I went to bed, certain that I had ruined her relationship with me over carrying her to the car. It was a hard day.

I woke up refreshed after a great night's sleep, and so did my daughter. We have had a stellar morning, and she is now happily at preschool. I hope she does great when I pick her up :) Maybe we are still in the honeymoon. Or maybe they really are going to adjust well and just have occasional bad days like all children.

One day of work = bad day

I hadn't worked since December 22nd, and then I worked Tuesday evening (a meeting) and all day Wednesday (another meeting). Yes, I am still on leave until February 18th, but I had a couple of meetings that were very important for me to attend. It was a rough day. Things have been going so well, but yesterday was hectic and unpleasant, and I missed my kids. I picked them up after work, made supper, fed them, cleaned up spilled milk, drove to church (late), and then cried in my car after I dropped them off. I felt like I just rushed them around all afternoon and didn't get to spend any time with them. I sure hope I can adjust when I go back to work in a month. It also really made me realize that I need to make the most of my time at home as possible, and that I will have to give myself some time when I go back. At least all the kids are doing great at school and still adjusting well :)

One Week

Well, we made it through the first week! We had some great successes: first week of kindergarten, first time attending Wednesday night church (everyone loved it!), preschool screenings for the little two, and a week of being a stay at home mom while Daddy went back to work. They are such great kids!! They have normal sibling disagreements and age-appropriate issues, but they are pretty wonderful. They are still great sleepers and eaters, and the biggest issue we have is having the kids all vying for our attention at the same time (loudly, I might add). We are ending a great week by pizza, hot wings (yes, they love them), and watching the Lion King. I think this will be a weekly tradition. Dinner and a movie - and I get to watch all my favorites!

Settling In

We have been home now since Wednesday evening. That means we have woken up in our own beds four times as a family of 5! They are great sleepers - 11 hours at night and a two hour nap. We are figuring each other out. Our routines, likes, dislikes, and so much more. It feels like every day is something new to figure out! Bath, supper, weekends, art projects, laundry, and church. There have been almost no tears. In fact, the only tears have been when we have said no to something (I mean, why wouldn't I let my daughter throw play dough, right?). This might still be the honeymoon period, but I am hoping they keep it up! We have an incentive program (a clip chart with colors) that seems to be motivating to all of them, so that is wonderful!

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my kindergartener! He wants to go so he can meet friends and learn, so we are going to send him. I am nervous. I don't want him to leave, but I know he needs to go sometime.  School is a challenge for him, but I am hoping he can do well. He really is a great kid, and he loves to make everyone happy. Now I have to start making arrangements for after school care and daycare/preschool for the other two. I hate to even think about when I go back to school in 6 weeks, but I guess I can't keep them home with me forever. They will be all mine in the summer though :) How surreal is all of this! This might sound strange, but they don't really feel like they are mine yet. I love them, and they love me, but we don't have weeks, months, and years of history yet. We don't know all the details of each others' personalities, and we don't quite know what to expect. I think this will be a great adventure!

2013 - Hopeful beginnings!

We spent the first 11 hours of 2013 with our children. It was our first overnight experience, and it went great! They went to bed very nicely and slept until 7:30! We brought them back to their foster family to spend one more day with them, and then we spent the day relaxing.

Today will be an interesting day because we get to bring them home. There is sure to be lots of excitement as we embark upon our new journey, but there will be some tough stuff too. They will have to leave the home they have been in for two years, and they will be in the car for probably 7 hours. When we do get home, they will want to look around and try out the different toys and things. I will have to go grocery shopping, and there are lots of potential melt-down points. It's probably going to be a tough few days, but we will be patient and pray for the best.

Part of what I did yesterday was to do a bit of shopping (we found some water bottles and divided plates) and to work on the kids' journals I have for them. I found all of these ideas on Pinterest, and I decided to combine them into one leather-bound journal I will give them at some point when they are older. The first idea was a quote book to record all of their precious moments. The second idea was a 20 questions to ask each year on their birthdays (favorite color, what they want to be when they grow up, and so on). The final idea was a journal to write them letters each year on their birthday. Well, I figured I could never keep up with three things, so I combined them all. So far, I have written them each their adoption story, told them about our first meeting and Christmas together, and written down some quotes. I have also started their 20 questions. I know it is none of their birthdays right now, but I wanted an initial starting point. I hope that I can keep this up and have something beautiful and wonderful for them when they are older.

Here's to a great year! 2013 is sure to bring lots of challenges (what year doesn't), but our family is complete, and we are hopeful for our new beginnings. As the saying goes, "Nothing worthwhile comes easily."