Life isn't fair. We have never been promised a fair life, but I would venture to guess we all feel like we deserve to be treated fairly. The idea of fairness is a really difficult one for me. I am a special education teacher. My job is to help equalize education for the students in my classroom. Although each student has different needs and strengths, I am supposed to design lessons, assignments, and assessments that allow all students to equally access and learn the information. Some students get copies of notes, have shortened assignments, or get extra time, but that is all in the name of keeping things equitable, or "fair," for everyone.
Let's jump to a different area of my life. Parenting. There isn't a teacher trying to help this aspect of life be "fair." Just a few of the injustices of parenting:
- infertility
- miscarriage
- stillbirth
- losing a child
- divorce
- single-parenting
I have not experienced many of theses injustices, but the point remains that life isn't fair. People don't deserve or earn infertility (or any of the other items listed above) just as they don't earn or deserve fertility. It just happens. It is personal and private, but it becomes an identifying factor about your life, both to you and to others. Although I would rather not have everyone I come into contact with know about my personal struggles because of miscarriages and working to adopt, this very private part of my life has become almost my entire identity. This has been a challenge.
My oldest son struggles with this same idea. His life isn't fair. He didn't have great birth parents. He was taken away from those parents and has experienced a great loss. He had to live in foster homes. He has PTSD. School is hard for him. He is smaller than the other kids in his class.
Most days, he just can go on with life pretty "normally." On bad days, he spends the day mourning the inequities in his life. When this happens, there are tantrums, tears, cuddling, physical aggression, and much more. It is hard to find the right words to help him sometimes. All I can do is hold him, tell him I love him, and then let him know that I wish his life would have been easier...but I am so glad to have him in my family.
Showing posts with label birth parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth parents. Show all posts
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Birth mom and best mom
Wow! I missed the two month date, just like I missed the one month. I guess that means we are keeping busy. I survived ONE WHOLE week of work! This was my first week of work since the middle of December, so it was a bit tough to be away from the kids that long. Overall, the kids did much better than I thought they would. I expected lots of eczema flare ups, tears, and time-outs, but they didn't do too badly!
Recently my oldest child found out a teacher at his school is pregnant. He came home talking about babies in tummies and them sitting "criss-cross applesauce." I was not sure where it would all go. In fact, I was terrified. Especially when he began like this:
"Mommy, I wish that..."
I knew what was coming. He was going to say that he wished he was still with the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was going to be sad and feeling this horrible loss. I was going to try to be brave, not cry, and say something profound and understanding.
"...I wish that I had been in your tummy."
Whoa. I was shocked. I did cry, but not for the reasons I thought I would, and I did say something intelligent like:
"You know what, I wish that too, but that isn't how it is. I'm sorry you are sad about that, but I think it is pretty great that I got to pick YOU to be my kid! Not every mom gets to do that!"
Then we went home and read Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell.
After thinking about that for the last few days, I know that he and I both feel the same loss. We missed the first five and a half years together. We can't ever get that back, but we can have rest of the years to spend loving each other. I know there will be a day when he does wish that he was with his birth mom, but I am glad that, for now, he is so thankful for us. I will pray for wisdom when those tougher days come, I will be able to respond appropriately. I pray that I will empathize and validate his feelings while somehow showing him his security and love.
For now, I will settle for the fact that he likes to tell me that I am his "best" mommy. Not his birth mom, foster mom, real mom, or adoptive mom. I am his best mom. That's better than any other title.
Recently my oldest child found out a teacher at his school is pregnant. He came home talking about babies in tummies and them sitting "criss-cross applesauce." I was not sure where it would all go. In fact, I was terrified. Especially when he began like this:
"Mommy, I wish that..."
I knew what was coming. He was going to say that he wished he was still with the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was going to be sad and feeling this horrible loss. I was going to try to be brave, not cry, and say something profound and understanding.
"...I wish that I had been in your tummy."
Whoa. I was shocked. I did cry, but not for the reasons I thought I would, and I did say something intelligent like:
"You know what, I wish that too, but that isn't how it is. I'm sorry you are sad about that, but I think it is pretty great that I got to pick YOU to be my kid! Not every mom gets to do that!"
Then we went home and read Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell.
After thinking about that for the last few days, I know that he and I both feel the same loss. We missed the first five and a half years together. We can't ever get that back, but we can have rest of the years to spend loving each other. I know there will be a day when he does wish that he was with his birth mom, but I am glad that, for now, he is so thankful for us. I will pray for wisdom when those tougher days come, I will be able to respond appropriately. I pray that I will empathize and validate his feelings while somehow showing him his security and love.
For now, I will settle for the fact that he likes to tell me that I am his "best" mommy. Not his birth mom, foster mom, real mom, or adoptive mom. I am his best mom. That's better than any other title.
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