The Head Wound

Not too long ago, my oldest, the one with PTSD, had a meltdown. A really big meltdown where he was beyond reason and needed some space to calm down. At our house, we have practiced moving the whole family to a different area so D can have room to calm down safely - he gets a little like a Tasmanian devil at times. During this meltdown, for whatever reason, I decided that it just wasn't fair to always rearrange the whole family for one kiddo. I was walking D to his room, holding his hand, and he gave a big yank. He bumped his head, not very hard, on the door frame we were walking past. He said something like, "Ow," but that was it. When we got to his room, he sat down and was continuing his fit. At the same time, we both saw a drop of blood fall on the floor. Since neither one of us knew he had really injured himself, we were shocked. Well, blood, surprises, and heightened emotions don't mix well for a kid with PTSD. Immediately, he started hyperventilating. I calmly called for my husband and my friend who were both in the other room. The first priority was to get rid of the blood so D could calm down. Apparently he bonked his head right on the part of the door where the door where the lock is. You know, the only metal part of the door. Fortunately, it was in his hair, so we knew we wouldn't have to get stitches as long as we could get the bleeding stopped. Bringing my son to get stitches would be just as traumatic as the initial injury, so we definitely avoid those when possible. After stopping the bleeding and then calming him down, we were able to discuss the incident. When I asked what he learned from the head wound, he responded, "You should listen to your mom when she says take a break or you can crack your head open." Well, I guess he understood the main point....kind of. What did I learn? Our plan of moving the other people instead of him is probably not "fair," but it is the best plan - stick to the plan!

Belly Laugh

As I read through my posts from the beginning of our foster adoption journey, I think I have lost some of my perspective. For two over two years, I prayed constantly for my children. I had faith and hope. 

Tonight, listening to my daughter tell about her field trip, I was reminded of the joy in my life that arrived with my children. S is an amazing story-teller. She has great inflection, detail, body and hand movements, and wonderful humor in everything she says. I could listen to her tell stories all day! Her class trip to the zoo today involved a very detailed description of a baboon's appearance, her time in the petting zoo area, an inattentive parent whose children were digging in the gross "poop and pee" sand while she checked her phone, and explanations of why the lion area isn't near the zebra area. I laughed. In fact, I belly-laughed. Many times. Great big guffaws, little snickers, maybe even a snort. Meanwhile, D listened to her story intently, asking questions and enjoying her narrative. J, on the other hand, took a sheet of stickers and covered his face. I love my family. 

Despite all of the tough days and challenges that come with parenting, especially parenting in our situation, my kids bring me joy, laughter, and love. 

The Ranch

Big D has his first job, at the ripe old age of 7, as a ranch hand. Let me explain. For the past two years, he has had a mentor, like a big brother. This mentor comes at least once a month, sometimes more depending upon his work schedule. Big Brother, as I will call him, is patient, attentive, and really helps to provide extra support our son. For the first year and a half, D spent his two or three hours at each visit showing his mentor every game, toy, and idea he has ever had! About two months ago, I was nearly knocked right over when D invited his little brother to go to the park with them! His growth and maturation were just shining through in that one simple invitation. As is usually the case, life changes. Big Brother told us he is going to move over the summer. This was quite a blow for D. We didm't really see it coming. We have a few months to prepare for the loss of Big Brother. Here we are right back in the middle of the grief cycle again. D isn't the only one morning the change. I have been fretting about what this will do to him to lose such a solid support figure in his life. I mentioned it to an out of state friend, but I have kept it pretty quiet.

Then my phone rang. It was a family friend we met through our neighbor. She was talking in circles, and I could tell she was leading up to something uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and waited to hear another piece of unsolicited parenting advice or sales pitch. Instead, I heard an answer to prayer. She and her husband have grown children, but she has always wanted more. As a compromise of sorts, they had called to offer D a job on their ranch. He would be responsible to gather eggs, feed the chickens and goats, learn how to feed the cows, and take care of their horse. In reality, he would be working on the ranch and growing another root to help stabilize him as he grows. Just as Big Brother leaving left the potential for one area of D's life to become stagnant, another part popped up ready to grow. What a blessing! They have a special spot for his work clothes. The cupboard is stocked with treats that are perfect for a 7 year old, and they are ready to love on him!

We went out there once as a family to check out the job. He was so excited that someone needed him!  He gladly accepted the position...and then asked what they were going to pay him! "Well, since this is a job, you are going to pay me, right?" He loves his job, and is thrilled with the $0.50 he earned last time. It truly takes a whole village to raise a child.

Keeping Ties

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I got a text from the foster family my kids lived with for two years. They asked if they could talk for awhile. We used to Skype or call pretty regularly, but somewhere, over time, the kids became much less interested in keeping connections. This time, everyone was eager to chat! We started out with a few minutes on the phone, and then we moved into Skype. The foster family recently had a new baby, so everyone enjoyed "meeting" her. The foster mom even suggested she might come and visit this summer. At first I was kind of taken aback! I mean, shouldn't someone preview that with the parents before they announce they will be coming to visit? But then I realized that she truly is always welcome at our house, just another extension of a large family tree. 

Today my daughter spent time making a family book of her own (kind of like the life book we gave each kiddo). She used illustrations only, but here are the contents of the book: 

Page 1 - Our family 

Page 2 - Her foster parents (but she really meant her birth parents). I think her only "memories" of her birth parents are what she hears from her brother or sees in her life book. 

Page 3 - My sister and her family 

Page 4 - Her foster family, including their new baby 

Page 5 - All of her cousins 

It truly melted my heart to read her family book. It wasn't a sad book at all but rather a celebration of all the people in her life that love her and have taken care of her or meant something special. The idea that her family book is growing with time is an amazing statement of the love and support I hope she is feeling. My hope for each of my kids is that they will see their support system grow a little bigger each year and that their roots will get a little deeper. Over time, their "family tree" will be so massive from their birth family, foster family, adoptive family, teachers, and our church family that, even if they have a limb that breaks or they experience a season of drought, they will be able to continue to thrive and grow strong.  

Resources for Adopted Children

The following is a list of resources that our family has found useful. We adopted a sibling group of three children under the age of six through foster care. Many of these resources focus on adoption and dealing with trauma, anxiety, and behavior difficulties. It is a list in progress!

• Tapestry Books – A website that states the following: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need.
•  Adoption is for Always by Linda Girard – a book to help children understand the permanency of adoption.
• God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergren – a mother’s story about how God brought her forever family together.
• Welcome Home Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell – a book geared towards children who were adopted after infancy.  
• I Wished for You: An Adoption Story by Marianne R. Richmond – a good explanation of how adoptive families come together.
• A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza – Choco is trying to find his mother, who ends up being a different species of animal.  
• A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret Holmes – an excellent book for children who have experienced any traumatic event.
• Todd Parr is a prolific author with a very unique illustration style. His books cover many emotional topics including being different, making mistakes, and being adopted.  
• What to do When You’re Scared or Worried: A Guide for Kids by James J. Crist
• What to do When It’s Not Fair: A Kid’s Guide to Handling Envy and Jealousy by Jacqueline B. Toner and Claire A. B. Freeland – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When Your Temper Flares: A Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger by Dawn Heubner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Worry Too Much: A Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids and families
• What to do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Problems with Sleep by Dawn Huebner – a workbook full of strategies for kids an families

Resources for Foster & Adoptive Families

Before reading the list, I want to give a little background information to help you understand the lens through which I view the world. My husband and I do not have any biological children. We have always had an interest in adopting a sibling group through foster care. After experiencing the pain and loss of miscarriage, we decided to become foster parents with the end goal of adoption. We found our children on a waiting child list. We knew they were difficult to place and had special needs. Prior to adopting them, we foster three children, all under the age of six. One of the children we fostered had some challenges, including physical aggression, tantrums lasting up to three hours, and extreme nightmares. The children we adopted were in foster care for as long as they had been alive by the time we got them at ages 3, 4, and 5. They have experienced trauma and neglect, loss, and multiple homes in a short amount of time. Although our youngest seems to have few lasting effects due to trauma, he remains developmentally behind his peers in some areas, such as fine motor, due to his early life experiences. Our daughter has high anxiety and moves to "flight" mode whenever she is faced with too much anxiety. Our oldest has anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. As I have written about in many of my other posts, his behaviors are very challenging at times. Therapists and foster-adoption professionals have recommended the majority of the resources below:

•  NACAC – North American Council for Adoptable Children – This is a wonderful website for all adoptive families. There is a wealth of information covering all angles of adoption.   
• The Adoption Exchange – This is the website where we found our forever family on a waiting child list. It also has many resources and information for adoptive parents.
• Adopt US Kids – This website is a great starting point for people looking for more information about foster adoption. It also includes a waiting child list that includes all fifty states.  
•  How Neglect Shapes the Brain – This is a great article for anyone who interacts with someone who has been through trauma.
• Tapestry Books – This website does exactly what it says: Our selection of adoption books are hand-picked to help you find what you need. 
•  IFAPA – Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association – This website has information specific to Iowa, but it also includes two major sections that are excellent resources. The resources section includes links about foster care, adoption, kinship care, resources for youth, trauma information, and legislative resources. The publications section has some great publications as well as life book pages and welcome books pages. 
•  TCU Institute of Child Development – This is a wonderful resource that includes a great program entitled Trust-Based Parenting, one of the best approaches to children who have experienced trauma and loss and who demonstrate challenging behaviors. Dr. Karyn B. Purvis is the Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development. The Connected Child: For Parents who have Welcomed Children from Other Countries and Cultures, from Troubled Backgrounds, with Special Behaviors by Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine explains some of the basic principles found in the Trust-Based Parenting DVD series.
•  Love & Logic – Information on a parenting approach that focuses on natural consequences instead of punishments. This website includes a plethora of resources for parents and teachers of children of all ages and backgrounds.
• Empowering Parents – This website is devoted to child behavior assistance. There are many articles, resources, and printables for parents.  
• Kathy Harrison is a foster and adoptive mother who has authored several books including One Small Boat and Another Place at the Table. These books give great insight into life as a foster and adoptive parent.
• Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos – The actress from My Big Fat Greek Wedding authors this highly-entertaining and honest book about her experience with infertility and adopting through foster care. 
• Dr. Bruce Perry has authored several excellent resources that make neuroscience accessible to the general audience. His books help to explain why children who have experienced trauma behavior the way they do and how to help them heal.
• The PTSD Breakthrough by Dr. Frank Lawlis – Although this book focuses on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in adults, much of the information can be used for children as well.
• When Love is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder by Nancy L. Thomas. This book provides some parenting advice for helping children with some of the most severe behaviors. Most parents will not need many of the parenting guidelines found in this book.
• The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson
• Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories edited by Kay Marner and Adrienne Ehlert Bashista
• Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors by Heather T. Forbes & B. Bryan Post

The Leash

Big D has been experimenting with attention-seeking behavior lately. He wants to see where I will draw the line. These behaviors usually only come up when Dad has been gone for a couple of days or Big D is feeling anxious. In the last six weeks, here are some of the behaviors he has tried out.

He was sitting with me one morning eating his breakfast while I got ready for work. This is not a normal mourning routine, but he was having a rough morning. He was trying to ruffle my feathers, but I held my cool. So he kept raising the stakes little by little: name-calling, sassing, pushing, and so on. Finally he threatened to touch my flat iron and then immediately followed through. Luckily it was only a minor burn on the very tip of one finger, but he spent several days upset over his own behavior.

The second incident was when he got angry and threatened to jump out of his window - on the second  floor of our old Victorian home. Since I was home alone and still freaked out by the flat iron incident, I nailed his window closed. Maybe not the best solution, but it was all I had at the time. At least it kept him safe.

Awhile later, we had an incident with a leash. He was playing nicely with his siblings, and then he came to me and said, "Look at my neck." Upon inspection, i correctly guessed that he had taken he leash and choked himself.  Neither of his siblings ever mentioned anything about it, but I was pretty upset.

Although he is not trying to hurt himself, I am concerned about his need for attention and for his exploration of self-harming behavior. Needless to say, we have had some extra therapy sessions and some interesting communication with school. I am very thankful we have such a network of support for ourselves and for our children. We haven't had an incident for a couple of weeks now, so I am hoping this phase is over.