So today was a pretty great day overall. We took the kids to the library to try out the "literacy stations." It was pretty wonderful! They played very nicely, checked out some books, and then left without incident. We were impressed! Having had other kiddos before, we were sure someone would be disappointed when time was up on the computer. We just knew someone would have a major meltdown, but we were wrong! Then we came back, took a rest, and I got ready to take my 6 year old to his first friend birthday party. I figured this was destined to be a disaster, ending in tears over not getting presents, having to leave, or something of the like. I was prepared for a meltdown.
Did I mention it was a water themed birthday party? Squirt guns, water balloons, and hoses. How fun for a group of boys! Upon arrival, my kiddo was a bit slow to warm up. He was acting distant and sulky. I played with him a bit and tried to get him engaged with the others. This is a kid who is normally Mr. Gregarious! What was going on? He started to skirt the perimeter, and I know something was seriously wrong. Being a loving mother, I called him to sit on my lap. I talked with him calmly to try to figure out what the problem was.
And then it happened. Someone popped a huge water balloon right in our faces. BOOM! It was all over. Yep, I forgot that my child is terrified of balloons. Water balloons? Apparently. The balloons in the yard to mark the location? Yep. The balloons tied to the chair I was now sitting in? Yessireee. He went into a fetal position on my lap and covered his ears. I tried to talk to him. Not happening. I brought him in the house and coaxed his hands away from his ears. I talked calmly to him, explaining I was sad that he was scared and that I would be happy to take him home and do something else fun if he was scared. The birthday boy's mom offered for him to come back another time. We made it clear we were not angry; we just wanted him to be happy. But then she mentioned cake. What kid is going to leave when cake is an option? So he decided to stick it out.
As the other kids sang "Happy Birthday," my son was covering his face mumbling, "I am scared. I am angry. I am frustrated." He was clearly still very upset. So, I did what any good mother-of-a-foster-adopt-child-who-has-been-through-trauma-and-sensory-issues would do. I decided to make the choice for my son. I decided we were going to leave. I told him he was not in trouble, but that I wanted him to feel happy and safe, so we were going to go home. He lost it.
We went to the car, and I tried to reason with him. I asked if he wanted to calm down so he could try the cake again. Nope, still scared. I asked if he wanted to go home. Nope, want cake. I drove home. He screamed all the way home that I was being mean. I continued to ask if he wanted to go back to the balloon party. No way, but he didn't want to go home. He wanted an impossible solution. I wanted it all over. I drove the worst 10 minutes of my life, and arrived home frazzled. At one point, sadly, I yelled at him. Not a you-are-being-naughty-and-I've-had-enough-of-this kind of yell. A I-love-you-so-much-that-I-am-taking-you-home-so-you-are-safe-and-can-do-something-fun kind of yell. Does that make it any better???? No, I don't think it does.
When we arrived home, I yelled for back up. My husband spent several minutes calming him down from his near-hyperventilation state. He explained everything that I had tried to rationalize with him while he was freaking out, and my amazing son apologized for his behavior. I told him there was nothing for him to apologize for because he was scared and not thinking. I explained that my job as his mom is to keep him safe, and that I had to make a decision to keep him safe, even if he didn't like it. It was a rough experience for both of us, but I think we learned something from each other.
Then we went in the backyard and played in the pool. What else can you do? His behavior was irrational, as was his fear. I can't punish something that he couldn't control. I can try to help him learn. I can ask his therapist for advice. I can avoid balloons. I can apologize for yelling. I can love him even when his behavior is soooo different than other kids his age.There it is. His first birthday party - bashed.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Summer changes
It seems our lives are made up of changes, whether good or bad. Everyone finished school this last week - Mom, Dad, and kiddos.Next year we will have a 3 year old preschooler, a 4 year old preschooler, and a 1st grader! I hired a tutor for the summer to work with the oldest; he has come so far this year, we want to make sure he doesn't lose a lot of his knowledge over the summer. We also have a plan for how our days will be spent: reading, coloring, cooking, bike rides, swing set, parks, swimming, library programs, Vacation Bible School, and more! We tried not to do more than one "out of the house" thing a day so that we are going to learn how to spend time together with the six of us (we now include the puppy in our family number). We have a few field trips planned to zoos and things. It should be pretty great!
We received our finalization date. It is July 5th. I know lots of people have special parties on this day or celebrate it every year as another special date. We hadn't really been that type of people. We were most excited about the day we got them, and we figured that the finalization was just kind of a technicality. Well, after having the kiddos for almost 5 months now, knowing we were going to get them for 5 months before that, and seeing them on the waiting list 3 months before that, it is a much bigger deal that I thought it would be. As I put the date on our calendar, I teared up. Oh great! How am I supposed to go there and make it though the whole thing if I can't even write it down!?!?!
The last big change for the summer is that I got a new job last week! I had been commuting 30 minutes to work. I enjoyed teaching elementary, and I loved my coworkers, but I hated being on a different schedule than my family, leaving the house BY 6:45, and not being more available. The job I applied for was high school math; something I have never done but am "qualified" to do. It was a long shot, but I was encouraged to just be open to anything. After I interviewed, I was told about a middle school position. Middle school! That is my first love! I was offered the middle school position last week, and I have been so excited! It is a little different than anything I have done before. I will be a special education teacher (yes, I will have to go back to school), working solely in math. Four periods a day will be co-teaching, 2 period of planning/PLC time, and two periods of resource math. I will have a caseload of about 15 kids or less. I am so excited! I know there will be challenges, but I think this truly is the job I am meant to have! I went in yesterday to meet the math team, SPED team, and my "penthouse" floormates (we are on the top floor, so they refer to it as the penthouse). I felt so at home! Today I get to move into my classroom. Next week is a meeting with my SPED partner, and then some meetings with my co-teacher. This is a great opportunity, and I am THRILLED about the change.
What will I do with my extra "hour" a day? I am hoping to spend 30 minutes sleeping and 30 minutes exercising....how did I do today? I spent my exercising time blogging...I guess there is always tomorrow!
We received our finalization date. It is July 5th. I know lots of people have special parties on this day or celebrate it every year as another special date. We hadn't really been that type of people. We were most excited about the day we got them, and we figured that the finalization was just kind of a technicality. Well, after having the kiddos for almost 5 months now, knowing we were going to get them for 5 months before that, and seeing them on the waiting list 3 months before that, it is a much bigger deal that I thought it would be. As I put the date on our calendar, I teared up. Oh great! How am I supposed to go there and make it though the whole thing if I can't even write it down!?!?!
The last big change for the summer is that I got a new job last week! I had been commuting 30 minutes to work. I enjoyed teaching elementary, and I loved my coworkers, but I hated being on a different schedule than my family, leaving the house BY 6:45, and not being more available. The job I applied for was high school math; something I have never done but am "qualified" to do. It was a long shot, but I was encouraged to just be open to anything. After I interviewed, I was told about a middle school position. Middle school! That is my first love! I was offered the middle school position last week, and I have been so excited! It is a little different than anything I have done before. I will be a special education teacher (yes, I will have to go back to school), working solely in math. Four periods a day will be co-teaching, 2 period of planning/PLC time, and two periods of resource math. I will have a caseload of about 15 kids or less. I am so excited! I know there will be challenges, but I think this truly is the job I am meant to have! I went in yesterday to meet the math team, SPED team, and my "penthouse" floormates (we are on the top floor, so they refer to it as the penthouse). I felt so at home! Today I get to move into my classroom. Next week is a meeting with my SPED partner, and then some meetings with my co-teacher. This is a great opportunity, and I am THRILLED about the change.
What will I do with my extra "hour" a day? I am hoping to spend 30 minutes sleeping and 30 minutes exercising....how did I do today? I spent my exercising time blogging...I guess there is always tomorrow!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
6 years old
My son is going to be SIX years old tomorrow! I have only been a mom for four months! How can I have a six year old?
Well, we started the party today :) We went bowling and out for pizza with a couple of friends. It was a good time, and it was the first time they had bowled. I loved taking them to do something new.
We have given A LOT of thought to what birthday traditions we would like to have for our family, but we haven't asked the kiddos what they would like to see as part of our traditions. Seems like maybe we should do that tomorrow...this isn't about the kids doing what WE want to do for celebrations and traditions. We are blending a family together and taking the best parts of both families to create this forever family.
Well, we started the party today :) We went bowling and out for pizza with a couple of friends. It was a good time, and it was the first time they had bowled. I loved taking them to do something new.
We have given A LOT of thought to what birthday traditions we would like to have for our family, but we haven't asked the kiddos what they would like to see as part of our traditions. Seems like maybe we should do that tomorrow...this isn't about the kids doing what WE want to do for celebrations and traditions. We are blending a family together and taking the best parts of both families to create this forever family.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Mother's Day
I have a love-hate relationship with Mother's Day. Sometime after a couple years of marriage, I started hating Mother's Day. No, I had not wanted to have a baby or had a miscarriage or anything by then, but it starting stirring negative emotions. I always felt like there were hidden messages like:
If you don't have a child yet, you haven't found your life's meaning.
Good mothers don't work. God designed moms to be home with their children for as long as possible...maybe forever.
In 2010, the first strongly hated Mother's Day rolled around. We had recently decided we wanted to have a child. Although we didn't know it, I was pregnant then. I actually skipped church because I didn't want to sit there hearing about how wonderful mothers are. Since we lost that pregnancy...and then a second one... before the next Mother's Day, well you can imagine that I didn't like the holiday any more the next year. We had actually just found out we would be moving to another state, so we spent that weekend looking for a place to live and hiding out in a hotel. It worked out quite well :) Avoidance is probably my favorite way to deal with hard truths.
Mother's Day of 2012 was a totally different experience. I both loved and hated Mother's Day. We were foster parents and had three kids at the time. We were finally "parents." I did receive a couple of Mother's Day gifts, included a very thoughtful family tree picture decoration from my mother in which we could hang wallets of all the children we might foster over the years. My husband and foster kiddos made a hand print collage that brought great sobs through my body. They were sobs of mixed emotions. I was overwhelmed and blessed that we got to parent those three foster kiddos and were now truly parents. I was grieving the loss of my two babies we never got to meet. I was deeply saddened as we were beginning the countdown for the two little kiddos to return home in a few weeks. I was hopeful that we would be able to adopt the oldest child, who had been with us since November - maybe he would be a part of EVERY Mother's Day. I was grieving the loss of the dream of having kiddos the normal way - get pregnant and have the baby. No matter what was to happen in the future, biological or adopted children or both, we would never have the happy pregnancy dream that little girls imagine when they think of motherhood. It had been tainted. I was also anxious to find my forever family and be done with all the stress.
This weekend's Mother's Day had me crying already. I cannot say that I love Mother's Day because it will always probably make me feel someone inadequate for not being "normal." That is horrible to put into writing. Let me clarify. My husband and I have been told repeatedly that there is no reason we cannot have babies like everybody else. No drugs, no interventions, just the old fashioned way. We are choosing not to do that. We chose instead to find our forever family on a waiting child list. This is definitely not how most people become parents. And yet, those are not the tears I am shedding. I cried several times this morning as I was so overcome with gratitude. Three years ago we could not have imagined that we would be in this location, with this journey to parenting, and these jobs. Could not have imagined it. But here we are. And you know what? I love it. I love my town - not very exciting by the world's standard, but it is exactly what we needed for this family. We enjoy our jobs, and we are both doing what we love every day. Most of all, however, we love our family. I was thinking that my kids came into foster care the same time we found out we were pregnant. We waiting the same number of months to find each other. For me, three years is a long time. For them, three years is a lifetime. How can this really be what I have been blessed with? Three kids who love us unconditionally and overwhelmingly? Who don't question the fact that we were meant to be together? How can I not blubber like a fool?
I have already received my Mother's Day gift. Unlike last year, it was not sentimental or homemade, and that doesn't bother me. Last year, the kids we were parenting were just stop along our journey. They taught us a lot about ourselves and parenting, we loved them a lot, and we weren't meant to be their parents forever. We needed to take hand prints and memorize the creases because we wouldn't get to see them every day. This year, I received a bike tag-along (actually my husband uses it because its too hard for me, so I still use the bike stroller). We used it last night to go on a whole family bike ride to DQ. All five us on two bikes. Reminds me of a book, Bears on Wheels. But I digress. Anyway, it was a great gift. I will be able to use it all the time, spending time with what I love most. So maybe I do love Mother's Day?
If you don't have a child yet, you haven't found your life's meaning.
Good mothers don't work. God designed moms to be home with their children for as long as possible...maybe forever.
In 2010, the first strongly hated Mother's Day rolled around. We had recently decided we wanted to have a child. Although we didn't know it, I was pregnant then. I actually skipped church because I didn't want to sit there hearing about how wonderful mothers are. Since we lost that pregnancy...and then a second one... before the next Mother's Day, well you can imagine that I didn't like the holiday any more the next year. We had actually just found out we would be moving to another state, so we spent that weekend looking for a place to live and hiding out in a hotel. It worked out quite well :) Avoidance is probably my favorite way to deal with hard truths.
Mother's Day of 2012 was a totally different experience. I both loved and hated Mother's Day. We were foster parents and had three kids at the time. We were finally "parents." I did receive a couple of Mother's Day gifts, included a very thoughtful family tree picture decoration from my mother in which we could hang wallets of all the children we might foster over the years. My husband and foster kiddos made a hand print collage that brought great sobs through my body. They were sobs of mixed emotions. I was overwhelmed and blessed that we got to parent those three foster kiddos and were now truly parents. I was grieving the loss of my two babies we never got to meet. I was deeply saddened as we were beginning the countdown for the two little kiddos to return home in a few weeks. I was hopeful that we would be able to adopt the oldest child, who had been with us since November - maybe he would be a part of EVERY Mother's Day. I was grieving the loss of the dream of having kiddos the normal way - get pregnant and have the baby. No matter what was to happen in the future, biological or adopted children or both, we would never have the happy pregnancy dream that little girls imagine when they think of motherhood. It had been tainted. I was also anxious to find my forever family and be done with all the stress.
This weekend's Mother's Day had me crying already. I cannot say that I love Mother's Day because it will always probably make me feel someone inadequate for not being "normal." That is horrible to put into writing. Let me clarify. My husband and I have been told repeatedly that there is no reason we cannot have babies like everybody else. No drugs, no interventions, just the old fashioned way. We are choosing not to do that. We chose instead to find our forever family on a waiting child list. This is definitely not how most people become parents. And yet, those are not the tears I am shedding. I cried several times this morning as I was so overcome with gratitude. Three years ago we could not have imagined that we would be in this location, with this journey to parenting, and these jobs. Could not have imagined it. But here we are. And you know what? I love it. I love my town - not very exciting by the world's standard, but it is exactly what we needed for this family. We enjoy our jobs, and we are both doing what we love every day. Most of all, however, we love our family. I was thinking that my kids came into foster care the same time we found out we were pregnant. We waiting the same number of months to find each other. For me, three years is a long time. For them, three years is a lifetime. How can this really be what I have been blessed with? Three kids who love us unconditionally and overwhelmingly? Who don't question the fact that we were meant to be together? How can I not blubber like a fool?
I have already received my Mother's Day gift. Unlike last year, it was not sentimental or homemade, and that doesn't bother me. Last year, the kids we were parenting were just stop along our journey. They taught us a lot about ourselves and parenting, we loved them a lot, and we weren't meant to be their parents forever. We needed to take hand prints and memorize the creases because we wouldn't get to see them every day. This year, I received a bike tag-along (actually my husband uses it because its too hard for me, so I still use the bike stroller). We used it last night to go on a whole family bike ride to DQ. All five us on two bikes. Reminds me of a book, Bears on Wheels. But I digress. Anyway, it was a great gift. I will be able to use it all the time, spending time with what I love most. So maybe I do love Mother's Day?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
A Puppy?
So apparently we are just plain crazy. Last week we adopted a 12 week old puppy (lab/retriever mix) that had been abandoned. Who wouldn't want to add in a puppy to this mix, right? We thought it would be good for each kiddo in their own way. My oldest craves love and attention, and a dog is truly man's best friend. He is able to love on that puppy and get loved on in return at any time of the day. My daughter doesn't like things that are unpredictable or loud, but the puppy definitely has worked her way into her heart. I think she might learn to go with the flow a bit more. My littlest has some muscle weakness and is supposed to play standing upright as much as possible. Have you ever tried to make a three year old stand and play?? Well, having a puppy chew on your head while you are playing on the floor sure helps to encourage you to stand up more :) (Don't worry, he wasn't frightened or in any serious danger). So now we have another child: another mouth to feed; another kid to potty train; another snuggler; another adorable bundle of joy to make us belly laugh until we hurt. What's one more member to a family, right? But seriously, six is now enough. Two parents, three kids, and a dog. We are closed!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Skype
Technology is a such a blessing! We are able to Skype with the kiddos foster parents, chat with new relatives they have yet to meet, and it's how we first "met" them! Skype has been very emotional for us all in the last few months. I cried for a long time, tears of pure joy, when I first Skyped with the kiddos. The kids also get pretty emotional when they Skype with their foster parents. I know they need this connection to the last two years of their lives, but it is difficult to deal with the aftermath. They fight over the attention, and they all end up crying at one time or another. So what to do?
Well, I think we have finally found a system that works though! Each child gets 5 minutes to talk to whatever "guest" we have on Skype. This ends up being a 15-20 minute conversation, which is about perfect. It prevents the fighting for attention, and, even though it is still emotional for the kids, no one ends up crying. It is wonderful to be able to keep a connection without having to sacrifice our sanity :)
Well, I think we have finally found a system that works though! Each child gets 5 minutes to talk to whatever "guest" we have on Skype. This ends up being a 15-20 minute conversation, which is about perfect. It prevents the fighting for attention, and, even though it is still emotional for the kids, no one ends up crying. It is wonderful to be able to keep a connection without having to sacrifice our sanity :)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Birth mom and best mom
Wow! I missed the two month date, just like I missed the one month. I guess that means we are keeping busy. I survived ONE WHOLE week of work! This was my first week of work since the middle of December, so it was a bit tough to be away from the kids that long. Overall, the kids did much better than I thought they would. I expected lots of eczema flare ups, tears, and time-outs, but they didn't do too badly!
Recently my oldest child found out a teacher at his school is pregnant. He came home talking about babies in tummies and them sitting "criss-cross applesauce." I was not sure where it would all go. In fact, I was terrified. Especially when he began like this:
"Mommy, I wish that..."
I knew what was coming. He was going to say that he wished he was still with the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was going to be sad and feeling this horrible loss. I was going to try to be brave, not cry, and say something profound and understanding.
"...I wish that I had been in your tummy."
Whoa. I was shocked. I did cry, but not for the reasons I thought I would, and I did say something intelligent like:
"You know what, I wish that too, but that isn't how it is. I'm sorry you are sad about that, but I think it is pretty great that I got to pick YOU to be my kid! Not every mom gets to do that!"
Then we went home and read Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell.
After thinking about that for the last few days, I know that he and I both feel the same loss. We missed the first five and a half years together. We can't ever get that back, but we can have rest of the years to spend loving each other. I know there will be a day when he does wish that he was with his birth mom, but I am glad that, for now, he is so thankful for us. I will pray for wisdom when those tougher days come, I will be able to respond appropriately. I pray that I will empathize and validate his feelings while somehow showing him his security and love.
For now, I will settle for the fact that he likes to tell me that I am his "best" mommy. Not his birth mom, foster mom, real mom, or adoptive mom. I am his best mom. That's better than any other title.
Recently my oldest child found out a teacher at his school is pregnant. He came home talking about babies in tummies and them sitting "criss-cross applesauce." I was not sure where it would all go. In fact, I was terrified. Especially when he began like this:
"Mommy, I wish that..."
I knew what was coming. He was going to say that he wished he was still with the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was going to be sad and feeling this horrible loss. I was going to try to be brave, not cry, and say something profound and understanding.
"...I wish that I had been in your tummy."
Whoa. I was shocked. I did cry, but not for the reasons I thought I would, and I did say something intelligent like:
"You know what, I wish that too, but that isn't how it is. I'm sorry you are sad about that, but I think it is pretty great that I got to pick YOU to be my kid! Not every mom gets to do that!"
Then we went home and read Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond by Christine Mitchell.
After thinking about that for the last few days, I know that he and I both feel the same loss. We missed the first five and a half years together. We can't ever get that back, but we can have rest of the years to spend loving each other. I know there will be a day when he does wish that he was with his birth mom, but I am glad that, for now, he is so thankful for us. I will pray for wisdom when those tougher days come, I will be able to respond appropriately. I pray that I will empathize and validate his feelings while somehow showing him his security and love.
For now, I will settle for the fact that he likes to tell me that I am his "best" mommy. Not his birth mom, foster mom, real mom, or adoptive mom. I am his best mom. That's better than any other title.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)