It's Just Not Fair

Life isn't fair. We have never been promised a fair life, but I would venture to guess we all feel like we deserve to be treated fairly. The idea of fairness is a really difficult one for me. I am a special education teacher. My job is to help equalize education for the students in my classroom. Although each student has different needs and strengths, I am supposed to design lessons, assignments, and assessments that allow all students to equally access and learn the information. Some students get copies of notes, have shortened assignments, or get extra time, but that is all in the name of keeping things equitable, or "fair," for everyone.

Let's jump to a different area of my life. Parenting. There isn't a teacher trying to help this aspect of life be "fair." Just a few of the injustices of parenting:
- infertility
- miscarriage
- stillbirth
- losing a child
- divorce
- single-parenting

I have not experienced many of theses injustices, but the point remains that life isn't fair. People don't deserve or earn infertility (or any of the other items listed above) just as they don't earn or deserve fertility. It just happens. It is personal and private, but it becomes an identifying factor about your life, both to you and to others. Although I would rather not have everyone I come into contact with know about my personal struggles because of miscarriages and working to adopt, this very private part of my life has become almost my entire identity. This has been a challenge.

My oldest son struggles with this same idea. His life isn't fair. He didn't have great birth parents. He was taken away from those parents and has experienced a great loss. He had to live in foster homes. He has PTSD. School is hard for him. He is smaller than the other kids in his class.

Most days, he just can go on with life pretty "normally." On bad days, he spends the day mourning the inequities in his life. When this happens, there are tantrums, tears, cuddling, physical aggression, and much more. It is hard to find the right words to help him sometimes. All I can do is hold him, tell him I love him, and then let him know that I wish his life would have been easier...but I am so glad to have him in my family.

Week 3 - Finding the Right Foods

Three weeks down! I have lost 4.4 pounds!

I think I have been more successful than in the past for several reasons: 

1) I am very motivated to make a change because I want to be able to wear all of my clothes and button all of my pants. 

2) I am more realistic than I have been in the past. I know that I can't kick caffeine completely right now or stay under my calorie goal every day. What I can do is limit my caffeine and set aside a cheat meal so I have something to look forward to if I have followed the rules the rest of the days. I don't feel deprived! 

3) I have been more successful at finding the right foods for me. In the past, I have tried tons of ingestible options to help me lose weight: supplements, meal replacement shakes, diet pills, no carbs, and so on. This time, I am focusing on finding the right foods for me. Those are foods that are high in protein and flavor, but they are still "real food." Let me explain. I can't make it if I have to live on shakes and diet food. Gross! I also have to have foods that work with my teacher schedule and keep me going all day. 

Here is a sample of what I eat in a day with my 1300 calories I am allowed (more if I exercise): 

Breakfast (about 300 calories) 

Key Lime greek yogurt (4.5 grams of fat, but tons of protein and flavor) 

Homemade protein bars, breakfast bars, or nuts (more protein) 

Morning Snack (about 100 calories) 

Fruit (Something sweet and around 100 calories - frozen grapes, frozen cherries, strawberries, banana)

Lunch (about 200 calories) 

Tamales (my favorite food in the world!) 

Diet Dr. Pepper (I just have to have something sweet) 

PM Snack (about 100 calories) 

Something salty such as air-popped popcorn, cheesestick, cottage cheese

Supper (about 600 calories) 

A nice home cooked meal with protein and veggies, maybe even a grain or starch. 

If I still have points, I will indulge in a glass of white or maybe a small bite of chocolate-covered fruit for dessert. 

This type of eating works the best for me because I don't feel deprived of sweet things and foods I love like my lime yogurt, Diet DP, tamales, and cheese! I know I need to add in some more veggies and fruits, and I plan on checking out some smoothie recipes to help out with that. I hate having to eat something different than my family, so, even though I am eating my biggest meal at the wrong time, I can eat what everyone else is eating. I love cooking too, so this works out great. 

Show and Tell

My kiddos' teachers were super thoughtful and allowed all the students in their classes to bring an object for show and tell after Christmas. It was a great experience for my kiddos, except D. Since this was a change in routine, it rocked his whole world. The guideline was to bring something school appropriate that could fit in a backpack. Since many of his Christmas presents were Nerf toys, he couldn't bring any of them. His books and games weren't "cool" enough. In his mind, he was going to bring his fire truck crane because it actually can pick up other cars, has flashing lights, and makes noise. Awesome, right? Well, it didn't fit in his backpack. After a super-mega-huge-horrible tantrum about something unrelated to show and tell, I realized that the root cause of the problem was actually show and tell. We emailed his teacher to see what could be done. Technically his fire truck crane could fit in his backpack...but it stuck out about 6 inches, preventing the backpack from closing. For 45 minutes we waited on pins and needles. He nearly rubbed his face off with his blanket. Finally - success! His teacher would allow the fire truck crane! Although, in all honesty, I think I might have sent it anyway. I never cease to be surprised that one small change in routine, even a happy one, can be so difficult on my son. When will I learn? I am extremely thankful he has an understanding and compassionate teacher as well!
 

Week 2 - Making Money, Cravings, and Measurement

Down 3.2 pounds! 

How will I stay motivated for 50 more weeks? What will I do when I have cravings?  

·      HealthyWage and DietBet: Perhaps the best motivator is money. These two websites allow you to place a bet (kind of like an entrance fee), and then get a guaranteed payout if you reach a goal. HealthyWage has you set a goal and a timeframe, then you choose an amount you will pay in each month. If you meet the goal and maintain the weight, you get your money back plus some winnings! You pick the goal and the timeframe – how great is that! Diet Bet is a little different. You pay a set entrance fee to join a certain challenge, and then all the participants in that challenge who meet the goal split the winnings. In both sights, you have to record yourself weighing in, and there are some other guidelines that prevent cheating. I will definitely be joining both of these sites to help with motivation!

·      20-Minute Rule: I read a blog where the author suggested waiting 20 minutes when you think you have a craving. During that 20 minutes, you think about other things, drink some water, and see if the craving passes. Last week I mentioned that I was having cravings in the afternoon, so I tried this 20-minute trick. It worked pretty well for me! When a craving hits, I drink a big class of water and then wait 20 minutes. If I am still hungry, I grab some protein. If I just can’t get the craving out of my mind, I can add it to my “cheat hour” (see below).

·      The Cheat Hour: I cannot stick to a plan if I have to cut something out completely. If I can never have margaritas and chips and salsa, movie theatre popcorn and a Cherry Coke, or a big bowl of Talenti gelato or a DQ Blizzard, I will give up pretty quickly. I can stick to my calories and tracking 167 hours a week, but I need one hour a week where I can do whatever I want. When I was part of Curves a few years ago, this free hour helped me to lose 15% of my body weight in one year (about four sizes). In my first seven days, I didn’t use this cheat hour.  It went okay. By day 8, however, I was ready to use my hour. During that hour on Friday night, I ate chips, salsa, queso, and some chocolate. I didn’t make supper or have a balanced plate of food. I just ate as much of whatever I wanted. Truth be told, I was uncomfortable because my body hasn’t had that much garbage in quite a few days…but I would do it again! Rather than feeling guilty for breaking my plan and then giving up on my goals altogether, I avoided feelings of deprivation and had another 167 good hours.

·      Precision: Knowing exact calories is very important when trying to lose weight. In order to do that, I have to use tools: measuring cups, spoons, and a food scale. The first time I lost weight, the food scale and my measuring cups were my best friend. When I pour a glass of wine (or something more healthy), my five ounces can get a little heavy handed unless I measure. A chicken breast can be almost a pound at times, so the good scale comes in very handy. When putting in my food for the day, I try to make sure I am as precise as possible. Since my goal is to track literally everything I eat, precision counts!

Off to another great week!

2014 in review

When we moved in April, I definitely put blogging on the back burner! So, here is the rest of 2014 in review:

• April: We successfully moved to the Big House. It took some adjustment, but we love it. We just started hanging some pictures...yes, 8 months later. We celebrated Easter in the new house, and we had the kids hide eggs for each other. I just found some of those when we decorated for Christmas.
• May: D turned 7, and we had a slumber party with his friends. Crazy idea, but it went pretty well! Shortly thereafter, he ended up with 12 stitches in his finger from a bike accident. Kind of traumatic, but we made it through. 
• June: We set up the swimming pool and spent many days playing in the water, riding bikes, and hanging out with the neighborhood kids. I am so glad we are close to their friends! We also went to Wyoming for a family vacation with the in-laws. It was at Ring Lake Ranch in Wyoming. What a wonderful place! It was excellent because each family had their own cabin, so we had some space for down time. There was hiking, canoeing, fishing, horseback riding, and a boulder pile. Let's not forget the great food! Although D had a tough time because we were out of routine, we all loved it there. We hope to go back someday.
• July: It was HOT. We swam every day, and my family came for a visit. In this new house, it was really pretty nice. We didn't have more than three people in a room, so everyone was still pretty comfortable. The fireworks were an issue for D (again), but he enjoyed them in the end. 
• August: Back to school! I was concerned about the transition to another school year, especially since D would have a new teacher (he had his kindergarten-first grade teacher for two years); he has done great! He is at benchmark or higher in all subjects, and his behavior has been so much better. His wonderful teacher has an incentive program that includes his behavior at home. D earns special time with the teacher including going out for supper with him at a restaurant. We have been blessed with great teachers! S started kindergarten and cried every day for the first week. She knew the teacher since D had her for two years, but it was hard for her to go back to school. Now she loves it! She has really developed as a leader, and she is a very smart little girl! J started year three of preschool. This year has been a challenge for him behaviorally. We watched our happy little boy morph into a violent, whiny, attention-seeking bully (at school). His behavior at home remains about the same, but he sure gives his teachers a run for their money! 
• September: We learned that S has asthma when we ended up in the ER. The next day, we took a short trip to my sister's wedding. D was upset because it was a change in routine, but he ended up loving the whole thing. He even made a surprise appearance as the ring bearer's right-hand man during the wedding. Oops! S was an adorable flower girl and danced the night away. J mostly sat at the table with Dad. Weddings are not his thing.
• October: S turned 6! We made a cute Frozen dress out of cupcakes. We also enjoyed Halloween with Olaf, Red Ranger, and Elsa. 
• November: We traveled to my sister-in-law's house for Thanksgiving, and I took my 2nd annual mommy vacation. The kids loved spending time with their cousins, and they even went to a model train exhibit. 
• December: What a month! J turned 5 and wanted a Ben 10 birthday. Yes, Ben 10 from 10 years ago. So Amazon came in very handy :) We also traveled to Minnesota and Iowa to see relatives. The transition there was tricky, but the kids had a wonderful time with all of their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Week 1 - Temptations and Cravings

I am on a roll streak of logging my food and activity. Some reflections on the past few days:

• Planning ahead: It is a LOT easier to be successful if I plan my calories the night before. If I try to do it throughout the day, I go over.
• Temptations: I have been tempted with yummy treats both days I have been back at work. On the first day, it was a cinnamon roll, so it was very easy to pass. Today, however, we had a party for a staff member. There were homemade cookies, two kinds of cake, and punch. I am not much of a cookie and cake eater, but I LOVE punch made with sherbet or sorbet! I was able to say no because I knew I had planned all my calories already, but it was hard! 
• Cravings: I have cravings from 2:00 in the afternoon until bedtime. After school used to consist of a snack or two, then supper, then a bedtime snack of popcorn or ice cream. No wonder I am in tough shape! What I plan to do to help my cravings is to spread out my breakfast (usually a granola bar or pack and a yogurt). I will eat some of it before school, and the rest during my daily meeting time. Then I will eat half my lunch and save the other part for plan time or after school at the end of the day. That way I am still eating the same number of calories, but I am spreading out the food and (hopefully) preventing some craving times. 
• Drinks: I also am increasing my water intake. I used to drink 1-3 diet sodas a day. Now I still have one a day, but the rest of the day is water with a flavor enhancer. I like water if it is ice cold, but I like it at any temperature with the enhancers. I am also minimizing my trips to the local coffee shop for my delicious latte....and no more wine with dinner! Seriously, I was drinking a ton of calories every day! 
• Exercise: I am still not exercising. I know I should. I have a million excuses (homework with kids, meetings, church, bath night, supper, tired feet, cold weather). If I wanted to, however, I would do it. If I wanted something badly enough (like coffee or wine or popcorn), I would be willing to do some exercising. Watching Jimmy Fallon while on the elliptical is pretty great, so maybe there is hope! 
• Sleep: My sleep habits have been horrible for the past several years...probably since 2010. I am keeping my electronics away from my bed, which has already increased my sleeping time, and I have been crawling into bed and starting to calm down about an hour earlier than I used to. I still hate mornings, but it is so nice to have time to do my daugther's hair, eat breakfast, and do my own hair nicely each day! I like sleep! 

In a few days, it will be time for me to weigh in again. I am hoping that I see the fruits of my labor, but I also know that it takes time. The first time I lost a lot of weight, I lost about 2 pounds a month for a year. I was able to keep that weight off for many years, so I know I can do it. I am not in my 30s, so it will probably be more difficult, but I have confidence - and accountability!