OCD

Footsteps went down the hall. 

"Stupid blankets." 

I opened one eye to see that it was barely 7:00 in the morning. More footsteps. 

"Stupid bed." 

I stumbled into D's room to find him obsessively re-making his bed, blankets strewn all over. I helped him make the bed and set his animals neatly on the covers. 

"Go watch cartoons or something," I said. 

He looked at me like I was crazy and then stared at the clock. 3:12. What?!?! Apparently I can't trust my eyes when I first get up! 

"Okay, go back to sleep," I suggested. 

"I can't! I will mess up my covers!" he protested. 

"Then come lay in my room." 

"What about a pillow?" he questioned. 

"You can't move the pillows either? Okay...here is one you can have." 

He tossed and turned for over 45 minutes before finally succumbing to sleep. 

What in the world? Is he starting to demonstrate severe obsessive compulsive tendencies? Is this a one time event? I guess only time will tell. 

Spirit Week and Slumber Parties

I have come to dread a few things since adopting my kiddos. First of all, spirit week. This is supposed to be a fun week where teachers and students can dress up and do something different - out of routine. Therein lies the problem. I am certain spirit week was not created to torture kids with special needs, but it does a great job of it. Every day this week, we had tears, fits, and internal/external struggles. Since my oldest verbalizes all of his thoughts, it was very interesting to hear the turmoil this fun event was causing. Let me paraphrase cowboy day: 

I don't want to wear those pants, but I like the vest. 

I like the hat, but not with my shirt. 

I can't wear that, but how can I tie the hat on? 

I am not wearing anything today! 

Seriously! How can I help him if he can't even decide what he wants!? 

Finally the weekend arrived. Our tradition since moving into this house has been to let the kids sleep together in one room on either Friday night or Saturday night. Since they slept in the same room until they came to live with us, we figured it was comforting. For about the last three months, D sabotages his chances every time. Tonight was no exception. After an hour of fits, bartering, going back and forth, and throwing his stuffed animals everywhere, I finally verbalized my observation. 

D (sobbing): I don't get to sleep in her room and they do! 

Me: I don't think you actually like sleeping in other places. 

D (sobbing subsiding): What? 

Me: I think you just like sleeping in your own bed by yourself. Have you ever noticed that you always end up in here? You are only happy when you are alone in your own room like normal? 

D (sniffle, sniffle): Yeah. 

Me: It's okay to not like things being different. You can always sleep in your own bed. You don't have to sleep with your brother and sister or let them sleep with you. It doesn't mean anything bad. It just means you like things to be the same everyday. 

D: Oh. Okay. 

And he was asleep in five minutes. 

PTSD affects every part of my son's life. Even if he wants to enjoy something, the stress of being out of routine sucks all the fun right out of it. I hope we can give him strategies to be able to cope with his past trauma and the lasting effects. I pray every day for him to continue healing and feel better. For now, we stick with routines and remind him we love him not matter what - good days and bad. 

Spring Cleaning

I know it is only February, but I have done my spring cleaning. Last week it was 70 degrees outside, so we got down and cleaned the house from the bottom up! We decluttered as much as possible. If I haven't used it since I moved in April, it is gone. If I don't fit into it anymore, it is gone (with the exception of my goal dress). If it is broken, it is gone. I had keep, recycle, giveaway, and trash piles. I overheated the vacuum (twice). The dog is shedding her fur, and we are shedding our stuff!

Spring cleaning is a great time for reorganizing. Sometimes the clutter we see around us is only because we don't know how to organize it better. With two kids that are hoarders (largely in part to their history in foster care and moving from home to home, leaving behind all of their possessions), decluttering and rearranging can be a challenge. I rearranged the living room so it is more of a grown up space. Then I hung pictures throughout the house (finally!), and rearranged a few other spaces. including the play area upstairs. I moved the piano there, and it has gotten more use in three days than in the past six months! I even ordered some easy piano books for myself so I can give away the books I never use because they are too hard.

In the kids' rooms, we installed ceiling fans. We also finished the "window" frame project that is a year in the making. Each kiddo has an old window with 8 panes of glass. Four the panes now have pictures to match their decor (Cars, Toy Story, or Disney Princesses). The other four panes are just empty. They are so great! If only I would get to the painting...As a final touch, I bought LED diffusers for each room, and the kiddos have a special essential oil to use each night. The boys have relaxing/calming blends, and my daughter has one to improve her breathing. Since she struggles with asthma, I hope to see some improvement. I have been using some oils in my room for about a month now, and I feel like it makes a difference. My husband, on the other hand, has been terribly sick with respiratory crud. Hopefully he feels better soon.

I now have two newly reorganized and decluttered areas in my home that I love! My enclosed back porch, which is a bit chilly today, was great last weekend. I put a bistro set in there as well as an elliptical. I hung curtains too, so it is a wonderful, bright space to read or exercise, and I can still see the trampoline! The other area is my bedroom. I have been looking for a "space" for some time. Through several months of rearranging and buy-sell-trade deals, I have finally created a living area for myself.I have a glider rocker with an ottoman, a small table, a lamp, and several other things to help me relax. When the kids go to bed, I can sit in my chair and relax as well. Raising kids with special needs means I need to have a space to call my own and be able to destress. I finally have it! Although this is the 5th place we have lived since being married, it is definitely home. I thought two other places had been it, but I think we have finally arrived. I am so thankful!

5 Pounds!

I have had this post ready to go for awhile, but I just had to wait to celebrate! I have lost 5 pounds. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it represents about 6 months of gains! Since bringing home the kiddos, I have gained an average of 5 pounds every 6 months.

I really feel like my eating habits are under much better control, so now I need to focus on getting moving. Walking the dog, jumping on the trampoline with the kids, walking with friends, and bike riding are all good ways to include the family. If I need some down time, I can exercise in my room where I have made a space, in the family room with the Xbox, or on the elliptical. There really are no good excuses! I have the tools, now I need to use them. My husband and I agreed that at 10 pounds, I can order an activity tracker, so that is another incentive!

I need to remember that focusing on my health and wellness benefits my whole family as well. Nearly every parenting book for foster parents, biological parents, and/or adoptive parents includes a section dedicated to reminding the parents to take care of themselves.

Charging Our Batteries

After several weeks of difficult behaviors and unpredictable emotional outbursts, I was feeling pretty rundown, agitated, and, well, angry. I was tired of D ruining everyone's morning, afternoon, and evening with his outbursts, screaming, yelling, arguing, hitting, pushing, throwing, and intimidating. Consequences didn't work. Incentives didn't work. Therapy didn't provide relief. Family game night, Xbox night, and stations didn't work. Even our nanny had mentioned how challenging things had gotten for her in the 30 minutes she watched the kiddos after school. Everyone was constantly on guard, ready to intervene at a moment's notice.

My husband had to work late, and I was supposed to do homework, supper, and baths. I decided to change the plan. The weather had been cold and yucky for a few weeks, so we couldn't go outside. What could we do instead? Well, we did homework and then watched a movie, at supper, and then watched a second movie. I was kind of embarrassed and horrified that my children were spend three hours watching TV on a school night, but I was amazed at the result! My kids were just as run down and agitated as I was! We had a great evening together with no fighting, screaming, or physical aggression. We laughed at Alvin, Simon, and Theodore and their crazy antics. Everyone went to bed without fighting and woke up the next morning in a pleasant mood. After nearly two months of crazy schedules, holiday events, vacation, and lots of indoor recess, they just needed a night to charge their batteries!

I am making a note to self that kids need veg time too sometimes. Not once a day or once a week, but they need it just the same. When I look back, we have been on the go since about Thanksgiving! No wonder my older two said they felt angry and mean but didn't know why. Sometimes good parenting is not following the "good parent" guidelines - it is making exceptions and breaking rules. 

Sometimes we all need to charge.

It's Just Not Fair

Life isn't fair. We have never been promised a fair life, but I would venture to guess we all feel like we deserve to be treated fairly. The idea of fairness is a really difficult one for me. I am a special education teacher. My job is to help equalize education for the students in my classroom. Although each student has different needs and strengths, I am supposed to design lessons, assignments, and assessments that allow all students to equally access and learn the information. Some students get copies of notes, have shortened assignments, or get extra time, but that is all in the name of keeping things equitable, or "fair," for everyone.

Let's jump to a different area of my life. Parenting. There isn't a teacher trying to help this aspect of life be "fair." Just a few of the injustices of parenting:
- infertility
- miscarriage
- stillbirth
- losing a child
- divorce
- single-parenting

I have not experienced many of theses injustices, but the point remains that life isn't fair. People don't deserve or earn infertility (or any of the other items listed above) just as they don't earn or deserve fertility. It just happens. It is personal and private, but it becomes an identifying factor about your life, both to you and to others. Although I would rather not have everyone I come into contact with know about my personal struggles because of miscarriages and working to adopt, this very private part of my life has become almost my entire identity. This has been a challenge.

My oldest son struggles with this same idea. His life isn't fair. He didn't have great birth parents. He was taken away from those parents and has experienced a great loss. He had to live in foster homes. He has PTSD. School is hard for him. He is smaller than the other kids in his class.

Most days, he just can go on with life pretty "normally." On bad days, he spends the day mourning the inequities in his life. When this happens, there are tantrums, tears, cuddling, physical aggression, and much more. It is hard to find the right words to help him sometimes. All I can do is hold him, tell him I love him, and then let him know that I wish his life would have been easier...but I am so glad to have him in my family.

Week 3 - Finding the Right Foods

Three weeks down! I have lost 4.4 pounds!

I think I have been more successful than in the past for several reasons: 

1) I am very motivated to make a change because I want to be able to wear all of my clothes and button all of my pants. 

2) I am more realistic than I have been in the past. I know that I can't kick caffeine completely right now or stay under my calorie goal every day. What I can do is limit my caffeine and set aside a cheat meal so I have something to look forward to if I have followed the rules the rest of the days. I don't feel deprived! 

3) I have been more successful at finding the right foods for me. In the past, I have tried tons of ingestible options to help me lose weight: supplements, meal replacement shakes, diet pills, no carbs, and so on. This time, I am focusing on finding the right foods for me. Those are foods that are high in protein and flavor, but they are still "real food." Let me explain. I can't make it if I have to live on shakes and diet food. Gross! I also have to have foods that work with my teacher schedule and keep me going all day. 

Here is a sample of what I eat in a day with my 1300 calories I am allowed (more if I exercise): 

Breakfast (about 300 calories) 

Key Lime greek yogurt (4.5 grams of fat, but tons of protein and flavor) 

Homemade protein bars, breakfast bars, or nuts (more protein) 

Morning Snack (about 100 calories) 

Fruit (Something sweet and around 100 calories - frozen grapes, frozen cherries, strawberries, banana)

Lunch (about 200 calories) 

Tamales (my favorite food in the world!) 

Diet Dr. Pepper (I just have to have something sweet) 

PM Snack (about 100 calories) 

Something salty such as air-popped popcorn, cheesestick, cottage cheese

Supper (about 600 calories) 

A nice home cooked meal with protein and veggies, maybe even a grain or starch. 

If I still have points, I will indulge in a glass of white or maybe a small bite of chocolate-covered fruit for dessert. 

This type of eating works the best for me because I don't feel deprived of sweet things and foods I love like my lime yogurt, Diet DP, tamales, and cheese! I know I need to add in some more veggies and fruits, and I plan on checking out some smoothie recipes to help out with that. I hate having to eat something different than my family, so, even though I am eating my biggest meal at the wrong time, I can eat what everyone else is eating. I love cooking too, so this works out great.