Discipline

I am the parent of two preschoolers and a first grader. I have known them for about nine months. I am a middle school special education teacher, and my husband is a college coach. I am home evenings and weekends, and he is usually gone those times. What this means is that I am a single parent about half the time, and sometimes I run out of patience.

When I was on adoption leave, I had a lot of patience. I returned to work at the end of February, and I a  lot of patience. Just a few weeks until it was spring break, right? After spring break, I started to lose some patience. Then, in April, we got a puppy. Patience gone! Finally - summer vacation! Patience returned. We spent two glorious months together where I could use my great parenting techniques. Then I went back to work. The last month has been quite the struggle. As we all are struggling to figure out our new normal, Daddy and I have been cranky, impatient, and have become yellers. Not the kind of parenting I want to be doing. 

This weekend Daddy left for his first recruiting trip. I was so scared to be alone with them because I didn't want to yell or be angry. So I decided to refresh my Love & Logic skills. Thank God for You Tube! Then I even purchased a book with a gift card I had for my birthday! In no time at all, I had my patience back! 

Did my kids notice? YES! My six year old had really learned how to push my buttons over the last few months, but he quickly discovered that I wouldn't be pulled into power struggles anymore! His first time out lasted 37 minutes. He tried everything to get a rise out of me: throwing toys, spitting, yelling mean things...and he finally gave up. His second time out lasted 18 minutes. How long was his third time out? 6 minutes. And he only needed gentle reminders after that. Whoa! That left me LOTS more time to love my kids this weekend! 

Seriously, I think it is saving my relationship with my children. It is an adjustment for me because sometimes they aren't "punished" for their behavior. Is discipline really about punishment and consequences, or it is about teaching kids how to behave and understand boundaries in a loving way? My idea of discipline had definitely turned into a completely different idea than how I started this parenting thing. I am thankful Jim Fay, Foster Cline, and Charles Fay were able to remind me of my parenting ideals and bring some joy back into my parenting. 

Tonight we had a small problem before bedtime. My eldest had to go to bed before the others. He was angry. He threw his animal off his bed, but he didn't throw his blankets because he was sad without them last night. He did say some mean things and tried to argue, but when I said, "I love you too much to argue sweetie," he replied, "I love you too." When I asked if he needed a hug, I got a hug and a kiss. His consequence of no stuffed animals stands, but he apologized (unprompted) and said he loved me. Then he told me where he had stuffed a couple more animals in anger. I love my kids! 

Soccer Mom

Today was the day I became a soccer mom - minus the minivan. I still drive my Prius. And I hire a babysitter to help me. Maybe that is a little unorthodox, but it is what I need to do to survive. Here was my morning:

6:00 Wake up, take care of the dog, get ready
7:00 Feed kids and eat breakfast
7:30 Dress kids, brush teeth, do hair
8:00 Load car
8:15 Soccer game for my 3 year old. Here is what I have to say about that. He doesn't understand the rules or listen to his coach, but he does run after the ball the entire time. That makes him about the 4th best player on the team! Lol. Some kids just cry, stand there, or go sit on the sidelines.
9:15 Soccer game for my 6 year old. The kids actually understand what is going on, so it is pretty fun.
10:30 Come home and start lunch.

Whew! It was a good thing I had my babysitter from 8:30-10:30 because my daughter was sure glad to have someone to play with! I am impressed by all the other moms who can take three young kiddos in public alone. Maybe someday I will be that kind of a soccer mom. And maybe I will even get a minivan...maybe those new ones with the built in vacuums! Why did it take so long for that to be invented??

The Minority

My husband and I spend a lot of time on a college campus because of his job. We see lots of minorities.  My kids also attend head start and the elementary school in town that has the most diversity in it. It kind of skews our view of our community. Sometimes, however, we see very clearly that my kids are in the 5% of the community that is not white. Our daughter goes to dance class in a nearby community that is made up almost exclusively of Mennonites. My daughter is literally the only child with brown hair - no joke. They are all blondes except for the one redhead. I wonder if any of the kids notice. I wonder if any of the parents notice. I wonder if anyone else wonders. Today my boys started soccer - that is a little bit better. At least 2 or 3 kids on each team are minorities, so my kiddos only stand out because they are tiny, not because of their race. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the kids' head start classes are filled with lots of ethnicities - in fact, my daughter has only one white child in her class. Interesting, isn't it?

Shoes

Our little one wears orthotics. His ankles are turned in, and his fleet are incredibly flat and wide, so he came to us with special shoes and orthotics...and, in an unsurprising fashion, no paperwork about it all.

Well, he finally outgrew his "shoes from the doctor," so I bought a new pair of shoes from the store and tried to put his orthotics in them. Fail. Then I bought a better, more expensive pair of shoes online. Fail. So I took him to the local shoe store. We live in a small town. There is one shoe store - literally, and I just imagine the shoes will be ridiculously expensive. When we went in, we found out he had grown TWO shoe sizes since he has arrived! I guess that goes along with the TWO inches he grew over the summer (from April to August). Whoa. That would be why the next size up wasn't cutting it.

The salesman was VERY knowledgable about feet and shoes. He explained the foot thing (it is hereditary), the orthotics, where I will need to go to buy new ones someday, and how to buy shoes that will fit my kiddo well. It was great! So I called my husband to have him bring the other two down - just to make sure they were wearing the right sizes and didn't have any special foot needs. Thankfully they were in good shape. Another adventure!

Faith?

I have always been a worrier. I remember that when I started reading the Bible on my own (in middle school sometime), I immediately "claimed" verses that talk about anxiety, worry, and fear as my theme verses for my life. From 2010-2013, I experienced a lot of true heartache and toxic stress. I never lost my faith, but I was angry and bitter at times. I had to grieve. One night right before Thanksgiving of this year, I broke down and wept about my lack of trust, the amazing blessings I have, and how thankful I am for my journey. I vowed never to lose trust in God's plan - all the waiting was very worth finding my three kiddos.

Fast forward a few months. Here I am facing some extreme difficulties again (this time financial), and I am back to toxic stress. Yes, I know that no matter what happens, God will provide. We have a savings. We are both employed. We all have good insurance. I know that this too shall pass, so why do I still spend energy fretting? Does that reflect a lack of faith? If I say I know God will take care of us but I still worry, am I revealing that I really only trust when things are going well?

I began spending more time reading God's word over the summer (I hope to keep it up when I return to work next week), and I read story after story and promise after promise that God makes. I feel like I am being reminded that I am truly blessed beyond my wildest imagination and greatest dream. I love my family, job, friends, family, and I have enough. I will make it through whatever comes my way, and I just need to let go of the worrying. It ruins my day.

I will always be your mother

Yesterday I posted about our exciting adoption finalization. I wanted to highlight all of the excitement and memories we will have forever! I forgot to mention the low point of the day. We invited the foster family that the kiddos had lived with for two years, and the kids loved seeing their foster mother and her kids. It was a great time of hugs and playing, but it was tarnished by the mom's behavior. Upon seeing her, the kids shouted her name and ran to greet her (except my daughter who was NOT interested in reconnecting). When she pulled them in for a hug, she very sternly said, "You do not call me by my name. You can me mom. I will always be your mother, and you will ALWAYS call me mom." Huh?!?!?!

First of all, I am a foster mother. I have foster three kiddos, who I have seen after they have moved on (either back with parents or with another relative). I never told a child to call me mom, and I definitely tried to keep the confusion to a minimum by helping them understand that I would always love them and be their foster mom, but that I didn't expect or want them to continue calling me mom when they left. In the photo album, we labeled everything with our names. One mother asked if the kids could call us "Aunt and Uncle." We told her they could call us whatever she thought was best. Yes, it was hard, especially with the kiddo we had for a year, but that is how fostering goes.

What bothers me the most, though, was how confusing that was for our kids! They have already lost their biological parents, gone through several sets of foster parents, and transitioned to our home. I am sure they were confused and emotional anyhow because of the finalization and seeing their foster family again. Why would she EVER say that they have to call her mom, especially ten minutes before their finalization?

Now, I tend to be a bit sensitive, especially if it comes to my children, but I feel like this was way across the line. I actually feel like talking to the worker and explaining why the kids may have limited contact with her for a bit. Lots to think about. I know it is food for the kiddos to have connections, but not if those connections are adding confusion and pain, right?

Finalized!

We started the foster care and adoption process in January of 2011. We found our forever on May 22, 2012, and the finalization took place on July 5, 2013. Seems like forever and yet just yesterday that this all began. What a journey!

We arrived at the finalization after a LONG morning. We had checked out of the hotel, daddy got a haircut, we stopped for lunch at Chick Fil A (where there was an e coli breakout so we couldn't have fountain drinks or ice), and we had played at a playground. We were hot, dirty, and happy :)

I went into the building first to try to figure out the room number and so on. I didn't make it past security - apparently you can't have tweezers or nail files. When I got back outside, the kids' worker was there, so we all went in together with her. We had a few friends join us as well as the kids' foster family. It was kind of a zoo while we waited with all six kiddos before going into the courtroom, but everyone settled in when we entered the courtroom.

It was the judges first week on the job, so we were only his second finalization. The GAL stood up and said something like, "This family won us over when they told us that they knew this kids were theirs when they saw them online. They just needed to figure out how to get them. We all had tears in our eyes, and this is the happiest adoption we have ever been a part of." Well, that started it off with some tears, but once the formal stuff began, it moved right along. Little Bitty sat on Dad, raised his right hand, and also agreed to adopt all three kiddos. Lol. My daughter sat on my lap and took it all in, and my big boy corrected the judge when he mispronounced our last name. I also had to stop the judge when he referred to my little two as twins. It was a little bit different than I had imagined. Afterwards the judge gave each kid a bear, and we took some pictures. Then we happily drove off to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate. It was a great day!