Our Christmas Blessings!

God has truly blessed us!

On Christmas Eve day, we were able to meet our children. We sat in a visit room at DHS, along with all the birth parents waiting to have a Christmas visit, and I couldn't help but think about the losses these kids have had. They have lost their birth parents, and they are about to lose their foster parents and foster siblings. The worked also gave us photo albums and letters from the birth mother. There are baby pictures, ultrasound pictures, and so much more in those albums! What a precious gift for our children, and what a terrible loss for their parents. It was kind of tough to think about, but those thoughts were minimized when our kids entered our room. Our daughter, who "doesn't like men" and is "very difficult to get to know" came right in and hugged us. She didn't leave my husband's side! She read book after book with him and snuggled up close. She petted his face and hugged him every so often. It was very special. Our two sons, Little and Big, both gave us hugs and were moderately receptive. They didn't jump for joy, but they didn't reject us. After awhile, we all went to McDonald's. It was a good thing the foster mother was with us because we didn't even know what to order the kids! We spent about an hour there, and then we all went our own ways. Little was adorable with his cheeky laugh and adorable dimples! When I was carrying him to his car, he said, "You're a monster!" I was horrified, but then I realized that he was teasing me so that I would pretend to get him. I "got" him a few times, and was rewarded with the greatest laughter I have ever heard! It was a great Christmas!

Yesterday we were able to take them out on our own. We picked them up, and then drove to a store because we didn't know that Little needed diapers. Daddy sat in the car while I took Big into the store. I knew I was asking for trouble. What 5 year old is going to be well-behaved while we walk through clearance toy aisles to buy diapers? When we were fostering, I don't think we had a single day without a tantrum. I know we never had a trip to a store without a tantrum, so it was a big risk. Big was awesome! He picked out the diapers and wipes, carried them to the self checkout, helped me check out, and never asked for a thing. In fact, when we walked down the cursed toy aisle, he said, "Look at the toys." That was it. I almost cried with joy! When we got back to the car, he announced that he was a "real good helper." I asked foster mom about this later, and she said none of them tantrum in the store anymore because she worked through that with them. What a blessing! Anyway, we went to our hotel to open gifts. I was worried because we didn't have toys - we just had a tie blanket for each child that I had made, a book about forever families, and a backpack. You would have thought they had been given the coolest toys in the world. We read their books while snuggled up, and then we went back to McDonald's. We had a great time with them there, and it was precious to see the little two interacting. What a big sister our daughter is! I heard her say, "Now, you just lay down and pretend to be a sleeping baby." Little didn't go along with this plan, but it was still adorable. We took them back to their home after awhile, and we received some great hugs. The kids enthusiastically shared their whole experience with their foster mommy. They even seem excited about coming home with us next week. They don't understand the losses they are about to have, but at least they like us and are excited about it! I can't wait for today's outing!

Skype - our first meeting!

I am in love! <3 We Skyped with our kids for the first time yesterday!

The kids were told about their upcoming move and adoption yesterday. Afterwards, they read them our welcome book. The kids wanted to see more, so they called us to Skype. I was so nervous - it was a good thing we didn't have much time to prepare for the idea because I would have been a mess! The first thing we saw is our little son's big brown eyes, and we heard his little voice say, "Hi Mommy. Hi Daddy." I did not cry at the time, but I definitely made up for it later (and now). Then we talked to our daughter. I complimented her hair bow. Our older son came into the picture a little bit later. He was loud and excited; it was great! We showed them their rooms, toys, the Christmas tree, the stockings, and so on. The oldest one was excited about Daddy's hat, and he had to show us his hat too. We talked for 25 minutes. At the end of the call, they blew us kisses. I will probably never forget that moment.

I know they don't understand the loss they are about to experience, leaving the family they have known for 2 years, but they are excited to have us as their parents. There will be good days and bad days, and some day they will say that they don't like us and we aren't their real parents, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, we just love them.

We will Skype again today and tomorrow. Then on Monday, we can meet them. I will try to breathe deeply until then.

3 days!

We meet our kids in THREE days! We are as ready as we could possibly be to welcome home three kids we have never met. We have everything assembled, cleaned, and organized. We have visited schools, made appointments, and planned for our absences from work.

As I was cleaning some things, I found my journal entries from my first pregnancy. I was shocked at how "quickly" I have forgotten the terrible pain of our loss. We were so excited, and a bit worried, until our 8 week appointment. Then we felt reassured that everything was perfect. We were back to pure joy and imagining the future. I don't have any entries that are not happy (what happened to the ones after we found out that the baby had died??). It just is like a frozen frame of two people, in love, waiting for the birth of their first child. I cried when I read it. It just seems so unfair that a special time like that was taken from us. I really had forgotten how life felt before all the bad news started. I haven't really thought about the trauma of it all in quite some time. I thought about sharing the pages with my husband, but I figured they would have no positive effect on his day, so I will file them away in a different hidden corner. It's okay that I forget those feelings and focus on the feelings of now.

THREE DAYS UNTIL FOREVER FAMILY! We are super excited! We are praying for a smooth transition and lots of happy memories :)

The Best Christmas Ever

I am overwhelmed with joy! This is going to be the best Christmas EVER! We will be able to Skype with our kids for a few days before Christmas, and we will meet them on Christmas Eve. We will visit with them for several days and bring them home for the new year. Despite all the challenges of pregnancy loss and the loss of our foster children, God has truly blessed us. I cannot imagine things any other way. I am so emotionally overwhelmed that I cried from my dentist appointment to the pharmacy and then all the way home - not just little tears overflowing, but ugly, scrunched-up-face crying. Ridiculous!

What are we giving our kids for their first Christmas presents? My husband suggested something cuddly, so I made them each a tie blanket (two Cars and one Tinkerbell). I wanted to give each child their own theme of blanket, but, in the end, I decided to give the toys boys the same thing because I know they both like cars, and I don't know what other interests they have. We are also giving them each a book about forever families and adoption. I cried as I read the sample pages on Amazon. Once again, not a cute, happy cry - I cried loudly as I read the pages to my husband. He had to get two tissues to clean up the mess.I even cried a little when my husband brought me the printed schedule of our visits. What a huge blessing!

ICPC approved!

Today I got the best email I have had in quite some time. Our ICPC (the piece we have been waiting for the last 3 months - to the day) was approved today! Tomorrow we will hopefully receive a date and a timeline to pick up our kids! A little part of me is thinking things like this:

Oh my gosh! I still haven't ordered our daughter's bed! Should I wait until that is on the way? I already set that date with my husband to go see Cirque du Soleil - can I really hire a babysitter right after they get here? Do I really want to miss my students' Christmas party? What about that project I have due before break? Can a sub take care of that, or should I stay until that is done?How long do the kids need to process that they are moving before we can get there? A few weeks?

Then another part of me is thinking things like:

I can be available to go get them next week! I will cancel all plans I have and empty my bank account to get there in record time (Does anyone have a jetplane I can borrow for the weekend?). Can they show the kids our welcome book tomorrow? Is that just rushing it? Are people going to work over the holidays so we can get our family? How horrible will it be to have to wait until after Christmas?

I am sure there is a happy medium somewhere. I guess that is why we have a worker and the kids have a worker. Those people will guide us so that the best for all involved.

Another hoop successfully jumped! Waiting for the next one!

Visit

We spent an hour today visiting with our little buddy at McDonald's. It was pretty difficult. When I saw him, I just wanted to hug him and hold him and be his mommy again. Instead, I asked questions and played the role of a teacher/mentor. His speech is regressing, and I imagine his reading is as well. It's hard. We watched him frolicking (for real) in the play place, and try to be brave enough to go the very top. I was very proud of him. I asked him when he got his hair cut, and he replied with, "Um....a few days back." That made me smile. What a funny little boy. What five year old talks like that? He asked about his kindergarten teacher, and whether or not we could go visit some of our friends and family. We had to explain that we probably wouldn't be doing that when we visited with him because the visits won't be very long. Heartbreaking. Anyway, it was definitely a time of mixed emotions.

So we came home and my hubby put up a photo wall. I have been asking him to put up the photos for about three weeks, but I guess a five day weekend and the emotions of the afternoon helped out. Now I can see my kids from any of the living spaces in our home.We also set up all of our Christmas decorations. Stockings for the kids are in the mail from a good friend (super excited to see them!), but everything else is set up and ready to go. Now we wait again. What a special holiday season this will be!

Thanksgiving

Flashback to Thanksgiving 2010...
We had recently lost our first pregnancy, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, so I flew home for her surgery, and my husband's grandpa died while we were visiting. It was pretty hard to find something to be thankful for. I was pretty angry, depressed, and hopeless. A friend came over during Thanksgiving break to tell me that my time for grief was up. I was supposed to be moving forward. How could I move forward when every time I was almost at a good place again, someone else died? She brought her Bible, and read verses that condemned my attitude and grief. And that was the end of our friendship. Honestly. Although we still saw each other, it was just the beginning of the end. I spent Thanksgiving quietly at home with my husband and a friend, and I truly felt I had nothing to be thankful for. Little did I know that in the next three months we would lose another baby and my stepfather.

Thanksgiving 2011
We had just moved to a new state, started new jobs, and had become foster parents a few days earlier. We were thankful for the opportunity to parent. We set up Christmas decorations with a 4 year old (what a crazy adventure!). We drank hot cocoa, hoped for snow, and spent a lot of hours sleeping on his floor so he wouldn't be scared at night. I definitely felt like things were looking up, and I felt thankful for the changes that had moved us out of our comfort zones on every level.

Thanksgiving 2012
I can barely begin to think about everything I am thankful for without tearing up. This last year has not been a picnic, but I feel so blessed to have found my forever family! I just knew it from the moment I saw them online! They will be our children forever. What more can I say? It is the biggest blessing I have ever received. Thanks are definitely in order.

Showers and Crafts

We were blessed this week our church and my workplace both hosted showers for us. It feels like everything is more real. I have clothes, shoes, toys, bedding, and so on. This weekend my friend made the 7 hour trip to come visit, and we even did some crafting! For those people who know me, I am great at organizing, sorting, and cleaning, but I abhor crafts! However, when I am about to get my forever family, crafting is necessary. Not only does it help prepare my home, it makes me feel like I am doing something productive during this waiting game.

What did we make? We made some initials as art for the bathroom, hair bows for my daughter (love that word), and we turned an oatmeal can into a headband and hair bow holder. It was not a relaxing weekend, but it was productive and helped me feel like we are getting closer to being a family.

One tiny worry...

What if they don't show up and we have to somehow give back all of the gifts?!?!? 

Now that I have voiced that fear, I will do as one of my administrators says and "put in a bubble and blow it away." I have known in my heart since May 22 that these are my kids. The rest of the world has known since the end of August. Now I just have to have faith that they will get here when they should.

Here are some photos of the aforementioned crafts. Seriously, I can't believe I spent an afternoon on these things!

Going Home...Coming Home

The first child my husband and I ever parented has gone home to his biological family. The two weeks leading up to yesterday were quite horrible. Stress, tears, and tantrums while still trying to make some great memories. When we first talked about this day as kind of a vague idea, we told our worker that she should just come pick him up one day and not tell us when it would be - that way we wouldn't have to dread a day for weeks before it came. Obviously that is not how it worked. We did make a few more wonderful memories, and we have a plan to see him again in a couple of weeks. It will be hard, but we want him to know that he will always be in our hearts.

Now we turn our full attention to welcoming our children home. I have organized their clothes and toys, and started some full-fledged "nesting." Next weekend I am making some crafts for in their bedrooms as well as the bathroom. I am also going to make them each a fleece tie blanket. Gives me something to do while I wait.

Today is a relatively good day. Busy and full of looking ahead. I am sure there are quite a few more down days as I mourn this vast loss and pine for new beginnings.

Postponed

It looks like my little kiddos will be postponed. Originally we thought Thanksgiving was a realistic timeline. This week it was suggested that the end of December is more realistic. Maybe even two or three more months. It was a bit hard to deal with that information. What difference does one month make, right? Well, when you have been waiting two and half years, it is quite frustrating. Of course, having an extra month means one more month of planning, cleaning, and mommy-daddy time before chaos begins. It also means being able to hang out with friends and having an extra month to save up money for things we want to have for them (bunk beds and a kitchen island are at the top of the list).

Today I hung up all my girl's clothes according to size. Since I don't really know what size my daughter wears, at least she can start with her size, and I can give away the items that are too small. Next weekend I hope to organize the boys' room. I probably won't hang up all the clothes, but I might fold them neatly into piles and move a second bed into that room. In two weeks, my friend will be visiting. She is a crafty person, so I have enlisted her help on some other projects: bathroom and bedroom name art as well as a headband holder (thank you, Pinterest). So I guess I am rolling with the punches as postponement becomes an expected part of our lives. I will be so glad when this is all over. 

Faith

I admit that I have a high-strung personality, and I constantly operate with a state of stress running my life. I have always been like this, and it is my "normal." I am not sure I would ever get anything accomplished if I didn't  feel like this! It is the same type of stress that some people cite as reasoning for saving things until the eleventh hour. It motivates me and keeps me on track.

My current level of stress is something I cannot get used to. Waiting for the next task to complete in a series of tasks I have done over and over again, not knowing when my children will officially become mine, waiting to hear when I can meet them and bring them home. Add this on top of just the every day things (housework, parenting, groceries, school work), and I am tipping the scales of what I can handle. How am I supposed to get up each day and do what needs to be done while all I really can think about is my family? I feel like the right answer is to just have faith that things will work out for the best.

If I am honest with myself, the last two and a half years have been the biggest struggle I have ever had in my faith. I know the scriptures and cliches about waiting for God's perfect timing. They were quoted to me regularly over the last few years. I am supposed to be faithful and wait for everything to work out in a way that should overshadow all the pain and loss of the last chapter of my life. Once I have my family, I am suddenly supposed to feel thankful and joyous and understand why God chose to make my parenting journey such an intense struggle. I just don't believe this. God is good, and He is heartbroken as well. He is hurting because of our intense pain. He didn't decide my husband and I needed to learn a lesson or that we weren't good enough to be parents. Our babies died. God could have saved them, but that isn't what happened. He didn't make us lose our babies. I think the book Empty Arms  by Pam Vredevelt explained this best for me. After my first miscarriage, I was really struggling with people telling me that is just wasn't meant to be, and the timing must just not have been right. It made me feel like I was truly to blame for my miscarriage and that God didn't think we were ready. What a horrible way to make a person feel! I felt pressured to turn my frown upside down and pretend I was thankful that God was teaching me a lesson and causing my struggles. Some things just happen. God doesn't make them happen, but He allows them to happen. What we do with those struggles is what shapes us as a person.

So here I am, still waiting on my family. Worried that this will all fall through, for one reason or another, and that I will be back in a state of grief and loss, and stressed out to the max. I am trying to turn my fears over to God, but it is a risk. If I turn them over to Him and something bad happens, how will I process that? Will I feel like God is punishing me? Maybe it would just be better to avoid talking to God about it because then I don't have to worry about feeling abandoned. Am I supposed to act like I have no worries about everything going on, and that, no matter what happens, I will be full of thanks? The only thing I can do or control in this situation is to be honest with God and ask for His peace.

Father God, 

I don't know why things happen as they do. I am still hurting every day over many losses: my two babies, motherhood through pregnancy, passing on my genetics to my children (for better of worse), my innocence and joy related to pregnancy, the children I have fostered, and so much more. I refuse to believe that You would cause these struggles. I choose to believe You, as my loving Father, are hurting through all these things too. Even when I am silent for awhile, fearful of the future and putting my faith in You, You still love me and know everything I am feeling. You never leave my side. God, I need to release my stress to You and breath in Your love and peace. I ask that You intervene in our adoption process and help us jump through all the hoops we have in front of us. Renew my faith, and help me to be a witness to Your love and compassion despite my struggles.

Amen

Hope

Today we received some hopeful news! Instead of having to do everything over again for the home study process, we might be able to skip the fingerprinting. In addition, the worker was able to complete her home study questions in 2 hours, and she will be able to use our other home study for almost everything! This saves us hours and hours of interviews and paperwork. Apparently she did not know that we had been chosen for specific children that were just waiting on the paperwork to get in order. I am so thankful! I am still hopeful we can have our children in our home by Thanksgiving, even though it might be a bit of a pipe dream. Anytime before the holidays would be great :) What a relief to know that we are all on the same page and things are looking up again! Thank you God for some blessings!

Bureaucracy

Bureaucracy is one of the vocabulary words in my classroom this week. That is very ironic. As I spend nearly every evening filling out paperwork that I have completed multiple times over the last 21 months, I understand bureaucracy. I feel frustrated because I don't know how to be my own advocate and say, "Hey! I have already done fingerprinting for the state and FBI, reference checks, and home inspections. And, by the way, I paid $400 for a home study in May, so why are you doing another one?" From what I have been told, we don't really need to do all this again, but when the lady in charge of my fate tells me to do it, I can either try to prove she is wrong or I can spend that time in quiet compliance, hoping someone else will tell her and save us from the pain of going through this process again. I wish I knew a way to PROVE that we don't need to do this all over, but I just don't.

October

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It is a time to remember babies we have lost or never got to meet. I did not know about this until this year. Sometimes I wonder why I never knew about it before, and if I still wouldn't know about if I hadn't lost two babies. Some people post on Facebook, some hold remembrance celebrations, and some people do nothing at all. We fall into that last group. I am thinking back to when we were invited to a ceremony for our first baby. I had already planned a trip with my friend, so I couldn't go. I don't think we would have gone anyway because the pain was too raw. Let's face it, sometimes the pain is still too raw, and it's been 2 1/2 years. But maybe I am ready to deal with the pain rather than run away from it. Or maybe thinking about the pregnancy loss is easier than thinking about having my foster child leave in a few weeks. Whatever the case, I hope that we find a way that less people can be affected by pregnancy and infant loss in the future. It is a loss beyond losing the life of a child. It is losing your dreams as well. Dreams of a family, dreams of happy pregnancies in the future, dreams of showers and nurseries and Christmas cards. It is good to have a time to remember and reflect so that we can move forward and hope. 

Welcome Book

After all the ups and downs since August, we are finally looking forward to the next chapter in our lives. I have spent the last few days sorting through tubs of clothes and toys, taking some courses on attachment and parenting, and working on a welcome book for our kids. I have taken pictures of all our home, church, school, neighborhood, and places of work. We have requested pictures from our family members and friends as well. I have written a sentence or two for each person and place, and I have included our family rules and daily schedule. How exciting! Would be great if we could meet them soon to give them their welcome book!

We have been contacted by the local agency to work on the ICPC, so that is another huge step in the right direction. I recently ran across this Bible verse from1 Samuel 1:27: "For this child I prayed, and the Lord granted me what I asked of him."

Advice

I will never get used to people's unsolicited advice. Yesterday I met a woman through a mutual acquaintance. She is a retired counselor, and was asking questions about my forever family. After a couple of minutes, she went on a bit of a tirade about adopted kids and made these points clear:

They ALL have attachment disorders. 
You better be sure you know EVERYTHING about their mental health history before you decide. 
Once they have seen abuse there is NOTHING that can change the outcome of who they become.

And so on. So basically she thinks that this is a terrible idea and all adopted kids are crazy and will never be able to lead a good life. Okay, I am aware of challenges of adopting kids through foster care. I have taken classes, read books, watched webinars, and prayed about these things. I have spoken to the kids' counselors and read their histories. I know this will not be easy. Does she think I haven't thought of this? That my husband and I just woke up last week and thought, "Wow, kids in foster care are easy to get and have no problems. They sound like a perfect way to build our family without having to struggle." I believe she had good intentions, but it definitely did not come across well. I KNOW there will be lots of struggles! I have LIVED through lots of struggles already with foster parenting, and I know it will not be an easy road, but I really do not need anyone, let alone random people, implying that I am making the biggest mistake of my life. My advice? Be supportive of people who may be choosing a different path than you. They have their reasons. 

Decisions

After my last post, my little buddy prayed this: "Dear God, if I can only have one thing, please let me live with my grandma." I guess we are not the only ones with broken hearts in this home. The next day, we were told that he could do just that, so I guess God has answered all of our prayers and helped us to make our decision. It is impossibly difficult to think about losing the first child to call us Mom and Dad, and I know that we will always have a hole in our lives that would be perfectly filled by him, but we have faith that this is what is best for us all. Lots of tears to come, though. I don't regret becoming a foster parent and having to deal with struggles and pain, however, because that 10 months we have had to love on him have outweighed everything else.

We can now look forward to our forever family joining us soon. We don't have timelines for anything, but we are very hopeful for Thanksgiving. What a blessing that would be! I know I haven't met them yet, but I already love everything about them, even their struggles.

Broken Heart

Today I have a broken heart. We have to pick one child or the other three. It has been decided that we cannot have the sibling group and the child we have been fostering for a year. What a choice! If we go with the three, we are blindly choosing children we have never met. If we go with the one, we have no guarantee that we will end up with him. We have loved him for almost 1/5 of his life! If we don't take the one, he will go to a relative, and it will probably be okay in the end. If we choose the three, they will have to do another adoption search. If we choose the one, we will have to continue our journey - we know our family is not complete. If we choose the three, that will be the end of our search for our forever family. What kind of choice is this? We have faith that God's plan will work out, but that doesn't make it any easier for us to try to choose between two halves of our hearts.

I am...complicated

I am a first time blogger. I have come to a point in my life where I don't know anyone else who has the same experiences as me, so I am reaching out to the big world wide web. Perhaps someone else will be able to relate. First, let me explain my life.

I am a wife to a great husband. We recently celebrated our 6th anniversary, and we look forward to scores more!

I am a teacher. I taught 6th and 7th grade math for six years. Two years ago we moved, and I began teaching 6th grade elementary. I loved teaching math, but I am also enjoying teaching a wider variety of subjects and having only one group of students rather than 100 students.

Here is where it gets complicated.

I am a parent...I have struggled with parenthood for the past two and a half years. We had a miscarriage with our first child at 13 weeks. We didn't know we had miscarried, so it was a shock when we went to our appointment to hear the heart beat only to find out our baby had died. After a few months, we decided to try again. With the second pregnancy, the doctor knew it was not progressing normally. After a month of appointments, ultrasounds, and blood draws, we miscarried our second child as well. During this time, I struggled more emotionally and spiritually than at any other point in my life. I cried out to God to save my child. I feared each day that I would lose my second baby. It was hell for me. We pursued some testing and found that, as far as they could tell, there are no reasons that we cannot have a healthy baby. Because of the emotional toll, however, we were not sure we could handle another pregnancy.

We decided at that point to look into foster parenting. We started the process and were almost done with a home study and licensing when we unexpectedly moved to another state. Because we hadn't completed the process, we had to start it all over again in our new state. After 11 months of paperwork, trainings, and background checks, we began foster in November 2011. We knew we wanted to adopt a sibling group through foster care. We would gladly have adopted any of the foster children that have been in our home, but that opportunity did not present itself. I guess a public venue is not really the place to share intimate details about something that isn't official and legal yet, but we have been chosen to adopt a family of three. It is an out of state adoption of three kiddos under six years old. The paperwork and logistics could be quite time consuming. We were one of more than 30 families that applied for them, so I can hardly believe we were chosen. At the same time, however, I KNEW when I saw them that they were my kids. Not only will we be adopting these kiddos, we currently have a child with us...so we are about to be parents of FOUR kids. FOUR. What a scary and exciting thing! I don't know how to do that much laundry, organize my house to make room for them, or plan how to spend one-on-one time with each child each day so that they can bond with us and know that they are loved and cared for. It will be a challenge.

I am excited by having our forever family, anxious to have some answers, overwhelmed by the huge changes coming our way, and happier than I could have imagined!

Maybe you can relate? Maybe you have some advice?