History of an Adoptive Mother

So it has been awhile since I last blogged. That really isn't too surprising since I am a teacher, grad student, and mother of three school-age kiddos. The semester of the school year has passed without anything of real significance occurring. In our world, that is a good thing!

Everyone is doing well in school. We are loving our riding lessons and the great things that horses can teach us. Church is still a major part of our world and our social circle. I have one more paper before I complete my program. I have been getting healthier and feeling stronger and more fit. I actually feel like I am reaching a point in my life where I can focus more on myself again. That only took 3-5 years, depending on when I start counting. In reality, I went in to "the dark ages" in 2010 after our first miscarriage. I couldn't go out in public. I had panic attacks when I saw pregnant people and baby stuff. Essentially, I was hibernating. Was I hiding? Perhaps. I remember that I finally worked up the courage to go to Walmart, only to discover they had rearranged it so that baby items were right near the entrance. I nearly ran out of the store. Then there was the panic attack in the theatre when my husband and I went to see Salt. And the birthday I don't remember. Literally. I am not sure if I celebrated or just stayed in bed. The stress wiped all memories of that time like a magnet over a hard drive. There was the school year that I didn't start because I had a mental breakdown and flew to be with my grandmother who had just had surgery for colon cancer. That was the year I didn't even set up my own classroom. Some wonderful friends and colleagues took care of it all for me. I mean, there is literally a folder in my file cabinet labeled "first week of school," so I am sure they had some help on my end.

I had almost felt normal again after awhile. Not really normal; more like "settled." I could talk to pregnant people again, and I had a bit of a social life. Then, nearly three years ago, we brought home our kids. What a wonderful Christmas gift they were! That began the next phase of life that lasted until now. Maybe I will refer to it as "the great depression." Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my kids. The adjustment was very difficult. In hindsight, I hadn't really stabilized my mental health fully. I was still running on fumes, depleted by anxiety and anticipation. When the kids came, we all held it together for awhile, and then we all fell apart. Adjustment, trauma, loss, grief, and stress caught up to us all. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I withdrew into myself and became angry and fearful. I lost my whole identity. All of my interests and pursuits were put on hold. I literally gained 25 pounds. I felt, at times, like I was folding down into myself. Yes, there were times of great joy and fun memories, but it was a difficult period.

I now feel like I am on the verge of the "the enlightenment." [I do realize these time periods do not match up with the actual historical time periods.] I am finding myself again. I went on a trip to NYC. I drove to the airport, hopped on a plane with a backpack and a carry on bag. I had my friend's address and a vague plan of how the trip would go. When I was hungry, I ate. I didn't plan anything. When I landed at La Guardia, I got in the taxi line and gave the cabbie the address. I nearly vomited during the ride, but I made it. And I loved the freedom and unpredictability. I rode the subway for over an hour to pick up my sister the next day. By myself. I was not lonely. I just listened to music and went with the flow. Then my sister and I went to Grand Central Station to meet up with another friend. We had no plans besides going to see Wicked the next day. We explored neighborhoods, checked out gelato and bagel shops, and ordered cookies at midnight from a cookie delivery place (they arrived still warm). We took in all the tourist sights that Manhattan offers in seven hours - the whole island. From the World Trade Center Memorial to a carriage ride in Central Park, Little Italy and China Town to Rockefeller Plaza. My feet were killing me, and my stomach ached, but somewhere on the Metro, I found myself again. The strong, educated woman who isn't intimidated by new people and experiences. The woman who enjoys reading, cooking, and performing. The small-town Minnesotan who has traveled all over the world. The same woman whose guts and determination were exactly why she was able to find her kids and adopt them. Somehow this woman had been lost. I am so glad she is found. Do I think that life will be easy now? No. But I feel hopeful that I can now continue to return to the woman I once was, albeit an older and less naive version.

The Grief Cycle

The other day my daughter entered back into the grief cycle. The pain was fresh and raw; she was angry and sad. she had been thinking about her birthday in October, and she wished her birth family and her forever family could all be together for her birthday. I explained why that probably wasn't a possibility. She wept bitterly. Then she brought me her life book and asked me to tell her the story of her life up until she came to live with us. Although I had told her this story before, she seems to have trouble remembering any of it because she was so little. Unlike her big brother, she doesn't have any actual memories of her birth parents -- just photographs and stories. For better or worse, she doesn't remember the trauma of witnessing domestic violence and seeing chemical abuse. She talked about how she sometimes feels lonely and aches for both of her families to be united. She told me a dream she has where our house burns down, and she has no parents. She tries to ride her bike to get to her horse so she can ride it to where her birth parents live so she can ask for help. Anxiety was overwhelming her, so we talked about realistic outcomes if she were to lose both my husband and I. Although I would normally try to explain to her that she needs to focus on rational thinking, our therapist recently helped us to see how coming up with backup plans (even if the fear is completely irrational such as someone will steal all of the kids' toys while we are at school) can be very reassuring for our kids. When we talked through all of the people that could raise her if my husband and I both died, she seemed to be less anxious.

For now, she is back to her normal six-year-old self. The grief cycle can sneak up on you. It resurfaces in times of great sorrow or great joy, and it hides behind transition times like returning to school. Each time we go through the grief cycle, it brings up different aspects of loss. Hopefully time will help her heal.

Back to School

School is back in session. That means a change in routine. Changes in routine lead to anxiety. Anxiety leads to scratching and insomnia. For a neurotypical kiddo, going back to school is an adjustment. For a kiddo with PTSD and anxiety, going back to school is a huge challenge. It stirs up memories of grief and loss. It causes separation anxiety, eczema flair ups, and insomnia. My youngest has the least amount of trauma from his early life experiences, so he is able to go with the flow a bit more. My daughter, however, cried at Meet the Teacher night. I realize that isn't too unusual for a first grader, but she has the same teacher, classroom, and students as last year. Our elementary school loops, so they have two years with the same people. I couldn't believe she had tears again! My oldest, on the other hand, is a mess. He can't sleep at night. We are back to someone laying with him or him sleeping in our room. He is a third grader, and we still go through this with each transition. He has been here almost three years. He has nightmares, his legs are full of scratches, and he can't stop thinking about his birth mom. All of this stems from his "normal" summer routine morphing into his "normal" school routine. I told people that I don't do anything for the first month after school starts. No appointments. No activities. I was thinking maybe I didn't need to pause everything this year, but I am glad I did. D just needs extra time with us. He needs to be reassured that we are not leaving him, he is safe, and he will be okay with this new normal again. Just like my daughter, he has the same classroom, teacher, and students. It isn't anything new. The challenge is just to readjust. We will make it, but it takes a lot of extra TLC. A lot of hugs, patience, and extra family time. We also experience a spike in tantrums and angry outbursts. We will survive.

Get Your Girl Back

Parenting takes a lot out of me. Especially parenting kiddos with special needs. From 2010 until now, I have really struggled with my mental, physical, and emotional health. Recently I attended the Thirty-One National Conference in Denver, and I heard four amazing motivational speakers. The one that really spoke to my heart, however, was Traci Bild, author of Get Your Girl Back. She talked about prioritizing life and taking deliberate steps to get your life back to the way you want it to be. We can't do everything, but we can prioritize and really focus on what is important to us. When I sat down with myself and figured out what "girl" I wanted back, I came to these conclusions:

• Fitness and Health - feel better, stronger, and fit back into my clothes. This includes having time to work out and the resources to eat healthy. 
• Parenting - spending time actually playing with my kids, cuddling, reading, and interacting one-on-one in a fun way every day for at least 10 minutes. Sometimes I spend an hour with one kid, but it is on homework or a project. I want to enjoy my kiddos. After all, I spent years trying to get them, right? Ten minutes doesn't seem like much, but ten minutes of one-on-one attention for each of my lovelies is a lot more than I have been giving.
• Marriage - We obviously married each other because we loved one another. Somewhere over the last few years, we have become a bit disconnected. It happened in little steps with events in our lives: miscarriage, moving, fostering, adopting, parenting, recruiting trips, etc. In the last few months, we have been more intentional about spending time together and remembering why we enjoy one another. We are even going to start "dating" again! 

Wow! My Thirty-One business and my teaching career didn't even make the list! What is truly important to me has nothing to do with money or prestige. It is health and family. Traci has emails, a dream journal, and a book coming out soon. I can't wait to dig further into her challenge to get my girl back! 

Summertime

I have been very quiet on social media lately. Part of the reason is that I needed to complete two graduate courses this summer, and one of them was extremely labor intensive. I mean, 8+ hours a day for three weeks straight. No joke. We also had a nice trip to see my family. The kids did great. They were flexible during changes in routine, they got along with cousins and extended family, and they were so much fun! D ended up picking his legs, but they did well overall. They are amazing travelers! We did boating, fishing, four-wheeling, water park hotel, amusement park, mini golfing, tubing down a river, and more. Memories to last a lifetime!

In other news, D grew 3 inches in the last year! That means, although he is still very small compared to his peers, we do not have to look at human growth hormones. We are so thankful! We will just keep up with high protein, high fat, and lots of fruits and veggies. D lost another tooth, and S finally lost her first tooth. It has been super exciting around here.

One of the biggest changes is that we acquired a second dog. It took eight years for me to agree to the first dog, and now we have two. A seven year old blue heeler mix joined our lab retriever mix. They get along fabulously, and the new dog loves to cuddle with the kids. She is actually more therapeutic than our dog has ever been. Although I am not enjoying the extra dog fur, it is great to see my kids experience unconditional love from an animal.

D continues working on his farm, and the big two went to a therapeutic horse camp this summer for kids who have experienced grief and loss. The sessions were full, so they actually created a separate camp for kids who are in similar situations to my kiddos (adoption, foster care, divorce) rather than death. It has stirred up some emotions, but it is also making them stronger. It is so cool to see my kids leading around these huge animals and gaining confidence. They have all decided to be vets now.

Tomorrow D will experience respite for the first time. His case manager is providing the respite for four hours, so he decided he could give it a try. They will be going hiking or playing at a park, eating lunch, and then playing games. He used to say that he didn't want to do respite (because he didn't understand what it is), but now he is excited to hang out with his friends from summer group. I hope it goes well! During the school year, he can go one Saturday a month to do some really neat activities like skating, the YMCA, movies, going out to eat, and more. I don't think any of us are interested in overnight respite, but I think he will enjoy the time away from his parents. It will be nice for the little two to get some more attention as well.

Next week the kids are going to their grandparents' house for a week while Dad and I get ready for the beginning of school. We will miss them, but I think it will be nice to have time with Nana and Granddad and get spoiled a bit. When they return, it is back to school with a Kingergartener, 1st grader, and 3rd grader! Crazy!

Are we done?

A couple weeks ago marked five years since we first found out we were pregnant. Five years. Wow. In some ways, it seems like just the blink of an eye. At the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago. Since then, we have lost two children to miscarriage, lost a grandfather and stepfather, parented and lost three great kiddos, moved three times, had three different jobs, and gained quite an extra 25 pounds each that we are trying to take off. So the question is, are we done? Do we plan on parenting any more kids? Biological? Adoptive? If the answer is no, which I think it is. Isn't 31 really early to decide you aren't going to have anymore kids? Do we take a surgical route to make sure we won't ever be pregnant again? If we decide to have surgery, then we eliminate all changes of us having biological children. We really and truly will never pass along our genes. We will never experience the first kicks of a child we created. We will never see which traits of ours got passed along. We will never get to pick names and decide if we want to find out the gender or be surprised when the baby is born. On the other hand, my kids are enough for me. Although I don't want to to be "left out" of those experiences, I don't want to parent another child. It all sounds so selfish when I write it all out, but it is really something to think about.

Grandparent Trip

We are so blessed to have such wonderful grandparents for our kids on both sides of the family. I am so grateful for the love and experiences our parents share with our kids. Here is just one example. D is currently on day six of a nine day trip with his paternal grandparents. About a year ago, Nana brought up the idea of a grandparent trip when each kid was at least seven years old. This year, D turned eight, and his cousin turned seven. So off they went! At Christmas, they found out the destination, Mount Rushmore, and received book about some of the places they were going to see as part of their Christmas gifts. Nana created an itinerary to help D with his anxiety, and he has been having a blast! He called the first couple days, but he has just been having too much fun to worry about us. They have gone to Denver, Cheyenne, and Rapid City. Pretty soon they will head back to Denver to drop off the cousin and then return home to Kansas. It is amazing that Nana and Granddad were willing to take my son and all of his baggage (literal and metaphorical) on a nine day adventure. That is true love.